Jordan Takes Over: Food, Food, & More Food (Plus Questions Answered!)

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance.**

It can't be the first Monday already, can it? Stupid short February. Why can't anyone ever just let me sleep?? *Yawn* Ok, first I'll get to last month's questions, which (as opposed to last month) were all from dudes, who also seemed to really get me...

First, Alex J. Cavanaugh asks: "Jordan, what crazy, outrageous thing would you do if you could get away with it?"

You're assuming I haven't already gotten away with several outrageous things already! Hmm...something I haven't done...Maybe just some way of tricking people into giving me money. Or, you know, if someone crosses me, I'll just find a way to ruin their life. Destroying a reputation is always a good way to go. The old standard.

Next, Stephen Tremp asks: "If you could push anyone over a cliff and get away with it, who would it be?"

Oh geez, there are so many choices. An annoying celebrity, an ex-boyfriend, my mom...You know, actually, shoving someone over a cliff isn't really my style. I'm more of a psychological assassin (see first question).

And finally, David P. King asks: "If I bought a bag of chips, what kind of dip would you get?"

Ugh, Sarah really wants me to say onion dip because she loves it. Hold on, let me give her some to distract her (never fails)...Me, though? I think I'd probably make some kind of dip from scratch. Like, have you ever had fresh guacamole? Holy crap. We're all about avocados over here.

This leads me to today's topic: COOKING. This should come as a surprise to no one: I like to eat. A lot. Hey, growing boy, right? Actually, I probably stopped growing like five years ago, but anyway. If you've read all of the ramblings about my book (no I will not find links for you!), you might remember that food is a big part of it. You know, hunger and symbolism and blah blah blah. Anyway, so my first-kinda-sorta-except-not-boyfriend used to cook for me. A lot. Like if I hadn't had the metabolism of a fifteen-year-old I would have been obese.

So you'd probably think that after we broke up, I wouldn't want to cook things for myself. To which I would reply: ARE YOU NUTS? Do you think I was going to go back to canned soup and frozen pizza? Hell no. So I demanded more grocery money from my mom and started cooking things for myself. It was a slow process, but eventually I got the hang of it. It's important to cook. Even if it's not your favorite thing in the world, there's some level of passion that goes into it. Even if it's just for yourself, it's something you're putting effort into. Plus, everyone likes good food, right?

So I thought I would share some yummy food pictures. Well, since I don't have any pictures of anything I've made, I stole Sarah's phone so I could show you some of my favorites of her dishes.

You know they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, right? Plus, hello: BACON.

Of course the best time to chow down like a starved animal is dinner. Here we have sweet and sour shrimp, crispy orange beef, and MAC AND CHEESE! 

But if you forget dessert, then I have to slap you. We've got mint Oreo pie and strawberry/blueberry shortcakes (yes, with homemade biscuits!). Someone get me some ice cream, please!

Is everyone hungry now? 

So I will NOT be posting in April because of the A to Z Challenge. I know, you're devastated. Feel free to ask some more questions for May. If not, I'm sure I'll figure something out. I'm crafty like that. Well, I'm going back to sleep.

JP

Jordan Takes Over: Questions Answered!

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance.**

Has it been a month already? It felt more like a short nap...

If you stopped in for my post last month, you'll remember I asked everyone what they wanted me to write about. Well, most of you ganged up and asked for some flash fiction and well, I'm not entirely sure how to take that. One the one hand, that shows that you really just want to know more about me, which is great. But I'm not actually the writer here, so I get the feeling that you're trying to give my only post back to Sarah, and that's just not fair. Do you know what happens to people who try and cross me? Do you??

Well, since I don't know what you actually want, I'll think about it. Maybe. If I can come up with something really good to tell you about, I'll do it. But you've been warned...

Anyway, there were a few random questions/suggestions, so I'd like to answer those because I said that I would. Here goes...

L. Diane Wolfe said: "Writers being stupid - go for it."

Don't mind if I do! Of course I could go on about this for days, but I'll keep it brief. Writers are stupid all the time. You fight your characters, try to make them do things that make absolutely no sense. You're stubborn and take forever to realize when things aren't working (I'm not talking about anyone specific here, I swear...). And worst of all! You ignore inspiration when your muse gives it to you! Do you think we're just sitting around all the time waiting around for you? We've got other things to do, too, and if you're not going to take advantage of our inspiration, well, I don't even know what to tell you.

Was that harsh? Uh...sorry? Next question!

Tammy Theriault said: "Hey Jordan! Let's see you write on your theory that women are from Venus and men are from Mars."

Best question ever! Do I think men and women are from different planets? Absolutely. Holy crap. Ok, I get the feeling that everyone thinks I hate women, which is just not true at all. I just have really bad examples in my life. There's my mom, first of all. Not the greatest influence there. And all the other girls I know are teenagers and don't you even try to pretend that teenage girls aren't the worst people on the entire planet. They're all moody and just completely insane. No thanks. But I think the more important question here is, how do I get on the first spaceship to Mars??

And finally! Huntress said: "Inspiration is one topic I need. I vote for that."

That's a tricky one. I could talk about this forever, but I don't think even I could hold your attention for that long. I would say seek out inspiration wherever you can. It's not going to be the same for everyone. Find what speaks to you and then use it as much as you can. My thing is music, for example, and I know a lot of writers use music to inspire them. So if you have a particular song that gets you writing, well, LISTEN TO IT. Several times, until you've squeezed every drop of inspiration you can get out of it.

Hey, if you have more questions, throw them at me! If not, then maybe I'll think about this flash fiction nonsense...

JP

Jordan Takes Over: What Should I Write About?

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance.**

Happy New Year! How's everyone doing?

Ok, was that as weird for you as it was for me? Blech. No, I did not make a New Year's resolution to be nicer or anything. That would just be way too difficult. Plus, you know, if you're a cool person I really don't have any reason to be a jackass to you. So there.

Anyway, before I forget what I wanted to write about...so I know my December post was all about me, me, me!!! Or maybe every post is like that...No, that's not true! I know it. I've given you some good advice before, right? No one's gonna get all cranky just because I wanted all the attention during my birthday month.

Well, ok, here's the thing. I've been accused of being selfish at least once (We won't talk about that. Let's just say I won that fight. Fuck, I even won the make up. Let this be a lesson to you people...), and yeah, maybe sometimes it's true. And I know what I'm about to say is just going to make you think I'm lazy or something, but here goes:

The big question is: What do you want me to write about? 

It's not like I can't come up with ideas on my own. Sometimes I procrastinate, sure, but I get the job done. *wink wink* But I thought I would try reaching out to whoever actually cares about reading what I have to say. So I want you to comment with questions or topics you'd like me to provide my unique perspective on in the upcoming months.

So my favorite topics are usually: inspiration, characters, voice, writers being stupid, MYSELF. What kind of things would you like to know coming directly from a character/muse? What things do you find yourself screaming while you shake your fists in the air and curse your muse for not inspiring you? Or if you just want me to talk about myself, then I certainly don't have a problem with that.

I promise, no matter how silly or serious the question, I will try to answer it. If no one has any questions, or just doesn't care, well then, at least I had a topic for this month just by asking. HA. See? I always win.

JP

Jordan Takes Over: What I Want for My Birthday

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance.**

You didn't really think I'd miss December, did you? It's the best time of the year! And no, not because of Christmas (ugh). It's my birthday month, obviously! You read the title, right? So you're not surprised or anything. Yup, in two weeks I will be turning 19. Technically. Do muses actually age? I guess that's something that's just way too much work to figure out. Honestly, I can't think of a more anticlimactic age than 19. Ho hum. What do you get when you turn 19? Nothing! No new privileges, and you're still in that weird transition stage where you're an adult but still a teenager. So it's weird. Still can't drink (legally...).

Anyway, I'm just going to make it easy for you and tell you what I want! You were so worried, weren't you? (Yes, I'm being sarcastic. But I'm still going to tell you my list.)

• Anything music related is cool. I like pretty much everything. So, you know, concert tickets, gift cards. Some really expensive headphones! Or whatever. 
• Equipment for my band is always needed, but you'd have to talk to Eric about that. I just sing and look pretty. I'M KIDDING. I'm not that shallow. I actually write like 90% of our songs. So there. 
• Actually, I could totally use a new laptop. I can learn technical stuff, ok?! I'm sure someone out there has money to waste on me. 
• Practical things are always appreciated. Notebooks, pens, pencils, MetroCards, condoms. You know, stuff I use every day *wink* 
• CHOCOLATE. 
• Or just cold hard cash. That's what my mom always gets me since she doesn't know what I like. 

Right, so that's pretty much it. Wait, was I supposed to ask for things a muse would want? Like having my book finished? Yeah, well that's not going to happen in two weeks so I'm not gonna bother. Or something with the blog? Well, I do already get to take over once a month so that's nothing special, really.

I'm open to suggestions. Like, how the hell do you throw a birthday party on a blog? You guys can't email me cake. Or if I do decide to take over, what should I talk about? Or I could just do nothing.

Thoughts?! No, really! I want to know! I guess I'll see you in two weeks. If I feel like it...

JP

Jordan Takes Over, with Special Guest: ME!

Ok, ok, I take full blame for this one. When Heather M. Gardner asked for volunteers to pass on the Meet My Character Blog Tour to, I sort of jumped on board without even thinking. I soon realized the day I needed to post was also the first Monday of the month, which is of course the day I always let Jordan write a guest post. Uh oh. He wasn’t too happy. But in my defense, it is only my love and obsession for him that made me want to answer these character questions in the first place.

So I got to thinking—wouldn’t it be fun to have the blog tour AND Jordan’s post on the same day?! He didn’t share my enthusiasm, of course, but he’s going along with it. So we’re both going to be answering the questions! To minimize confusion, I’ll be typing in black and Jordan will be in blue.

Whoa, wait, what? Why do I have to be blue? I don’t want to be blue!

Ok, fine! I’ll be blue. There, happy?

Why can’t I be gray? Gray is my color. You know this.

Because my blog background is gray. You know this.

You think I pay attention to that shit? I just write my posts. I don’t worry about the details.

Can we start now?

I COULD BE RED.

No no no! You type in black, I’ll type in blue. There! Let’s get started now, ok?

So cranky…

First, business! I was nominated for the Meet My Character Blog tour by the awesome—

You call everyone awesome…

Shut up! Anyway…the AWESOME (deal with it) Heather M. Gardner!

~

Heather M. Gardner's love of books began on the hand-woven rugs of her small town library where her mother worked. There she had a never-ending supply of stories to read at her fingertips.

As a teen, her favorite genres to curl up with were romance and mysteries. When she started to create her own stories, they were the perfect fit.

Heather resides in New York with her best friend, who is also her husband, plus her talented and handsome son. She is currently owned by four stray cats.

Heather's a full-time mom, works part-time from home, a chocolate enthusiast, coffee junkie, cat addict, book hoarder and fluent in sarcasm.

Facebook Author Page: Heather Writes Romance

Blog: The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Twitter: @hmgardner

Goodreads: Heather M. Gardner

~

And now, for the questions! I apologize for any bickering or rambling that is about to happen. If you read the whole thing, you get a cupcake!

She's lying. There are no cupcakes. And if there were, I would have eaten them all. So there are no cupcakes.

1) What is the name of your character?  Is he/she fictional or a historic person?
  Full name?
If you must…
Ok! My main character is named…drumroll please…
From who? Me? I don’t think so.
*sigh* Jordan Mason Palmer! Although his middle name doesn’t come up in the book…
That’s because it’s STUPID.
Anyhoo, he’s a fictional character. 
That’s what she thinks.

2) When and where is the story set?
It takes place in modern day New York City. 
In the bedroom, mostly…
That’s not true!
Ok, on couches. And the kitchen.
I was trying to create juxtaposition between the busy city that the characters live in and their need to be isolated. So yes, it mostly takes place within the characters’ apartments. 

3) What should we know about him/her?

Where do I begin…?

Maybe I should handle this. Jordan is fifteen, pretty much lives alone because his mom is always working or…err…

She fucks her boss! 

Right, so for various reasons, she’s never home. But he’s ok with this. What’s unique about Jordan is that he’s always looking for something interesting—some way he can manipulate a person or play some kind of game where he is in complete control. He’s always looking for the next thrill. So for example, when the book starts, he’s trying to fail his math class just to see how long it takes the teacher to confront him. He’s kind of a borderline sociopath, honestly. 
     You left out the most important part!

     What?

     I like boys! 

Oh, I thought everyone knew that already. He’s a great singer, too! He likes walks in Central Park and people watching. And any kind of dessert, especially chocolate. 

     Are you telling people about me or trying to find me a date? 

      I'm not--

     Only cute boys need apply, thank you. 

4) What is the main conflict? What messes up his/her life?

My life doesn’t get messed up. I mess up other people’s lives.

What about when one of your friends punched you in the face? 

  That only messed up my complexion. 

Right, so, conflict! So when his teacher figures out his little game he calls Jordan’s mom, who, in her cluelessness (or maybe not…) hires a private tutor to keep him in line. What Jordan doesn’t expect is to get a huge crush on his new tutor, Tom. When he figures out that Tom is gay, he just has to find a way to get something to happen between them. But Tom is 28, so even when he admits to being attracted to Jordan, he refuses to do anything about it. 

Yeah, see, that’s where he fucked up. I don’t take refusal well. 

Since Jordan’s mind is constantly plotting, he comes up with a whole scheme that allows them to be physical but with specific boundaries. They start by just kissing and very gradually take it further. And it becomes a trade, really, where a kiss is worth something. Like, since Tom cooks—he makes Jordan dinner and then they make out for a while. 

You make it sound ridiculous when it was really GENIUS… 

The point is that the structure is always in place. Jordan gets whatever he wants and they get to be physical, but it’s still safe. 

You forgot to tell them that Tom is a pervert.

He’s an ephebophile. 

No one knows what that is! 

He’s exclusively attracted to a certain age group—like around 14-16. For obvious legal reasons, he’s repressed those desires but his guilt over feeling them has led him to become a recluse (besides doing his job). He agrees to Jordan’s game because it allows him to give in to those desires but with the strict boundaries in place, so it feels safe. Jordan controls every second of their relationship, which is what they both want, because Tom is afraid of losing control. AGH. Ok, I’m done. No wonder I had such a hard time summarizing this in a query…

Huh, what? Sorry, I fell asleep. 

5) What is the personal goal of the character?

Food and handjobs, mostly. 

     *glares* I’d say if you boil it down, his main goal is to be in constant control of the situation. Being able to manipulate someone who is nearly twice his age is a huge rush. But his more immediate goals are constantly changing as what he wants changes. The more he learns about Tom, the more he feels he can manipulate him and get what he wants. 

I wasn’t lying about the food…

I know you weren’t. 

He makes me pasta from scratch! And desserts! So many desserts…

The food is supposed to represent a hunger. First, a literal one for food because his mother has never been present in his life so he’s never had a home cooked meal or a cookie fresh out of the oven. Second, a sexual hunger, because he’s pretty much known that he’s gay since he was 8 years old but hasn’t been able to do anything with another guy until he meets Tom. And third is a hunger for life—something to be passionate about. He sees other people with their passions and he can’t fathom being able to care about something on that level, but that changes when he and his friend Eric start to explore their love of music. 

Whoa. That was deep. 

Thank you.

You didn’t tell them about the cupcakes! 

……..

6) Is there a working title for this novel, and can we read more about it?

     Phew, ok, this is an easy one. The title for this novel is Uneven Lines, and the only place to read about it at this point is here on my blog. 
     Because it’s ALL she ever talks about. 

7) When can we expect the book to be published?

     Probably never, at this rate…
     Oh, come on, I can be very persuasive. Just point me at the agents!

     Writing the query from the character's point of view is a big no-no.

     Who said I was going to write it? I was thinking something like bribery. Or seduction...

Well, there you have it! I'm sure I lost everyone somewhere along the way...Now to pass the tour along to three more people! And wooooooooo I finally have all three! Is anyone still looking at this post? Crickets? 


Crystal R. Martin

Crystal R. Martin is an as yet unpublished author. She enjoys living a creative life and hopes you will give her stories a read.

Crystal Martin on Google+
Tweet With Me
The Write Life

Crystal Collier

❀Unleashing the dream world, one book at a time ❀

  Blog | Twitter | Goodreads | Facebook | Website

S.E. Dee

Born in 1987, Hackney, London, Shay suffered a major mishap at the age of two when she came across a pencil and sheet of paper. Twenty odd years later, you could say the result from that encounter was having her right hand replaced with a Bic Pen - blue if she can help it. (Hence her Blue Bic Blog and matching @bluebicblog)

As a stay at home mum raising a crazier reincarnation of herself, Shay often delves into the world of Young Adult/Adult Sci-Fi and Fantasy, but when escapism is compulsory, she’s not afraid to pen the wEiRd either…

Jordan Takes Over: Write Everything Down

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance.**

Here's the thing, everyone. I actually had a really good idea for a post today. I really did. But, you know, I'm very busy, so I kinda forgot what it was supposed to be about. You can't blame me, really. I mean, technically I'm not real, so I don't have arms to write things down. And I totally told Sarah my idea but did she write it down? Of course not! So who's to blame here? Not me.

But it turns out this little mistake (not mine!) gave me a great idea for a bit of advice for you people. I'm sure you've heard it before, but it really can't be stressed enough: WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN. No, seriously. EVERYTHING. If you expect your muse to remember every tiny little thought you have...well, I mean, maybe you have a muse who cares more than I do, but what do you want from us? We have to inspire you AND be some kind of bookkeeper? I don't think so.

And do you really think you're going to remember every single idea you have? How many times have you been hit by inspiration and you think to yourself, "oh, I'll remember that." Does that ever happen? Maybe if you came up with something major, sure. And I think the abstract ideas are easier to remember than something more concrete, say, a sentence. If you're writing an actual sentence in your head, do you actually expect to remember it hours, maybe days later--word for word? How about when you're drifting off to sleep and you come up with something, then say to yourself "I'll remember it in the morning!" Are you quite sure about that?

So here's my advice. First of all, always have something to write things down on. A notebook, a scrap of paper, your phone (this works great for those middle of the night ideas, since you don't even have to get up and turn on a light if your phone is right by your bed). Anything, really. Heck, if you've only got a pen, write it on your arm. If you think it's a good idea then why would you ever chance it slipping away?

Second! Always interrupt what you're doing for an idea. No, I don't care what it is or how important (I mean, unless you're at work and you think you'll get fired or something). If your muse has been gracious enough to inspire you, you'd better be damn sure you take notice or they might just start ignoring you. So yes, even if you're in the middle of a conversation, stop. If you're falling asleep, or you wake up in the middle of the night, or if a dream gives you an idea...get up and write it down. If you're drunk and get an idea, write it down--really slow so that you can actually read it once you're sober. If you're doing, you know...THINGS...with your boyfriend or your girlfriend...or your boyfriend AND your girlfriend (I'm just kidding, I've never had a threesome...not with a girl, anyway...) Where was I? Oh, right. So no matter what you're doing, if an idea hits you, STOP.

Ok, so now that I have a whole month to remember that good idea again, hopefully it will come back to me. That doesn't mean that I'm going to write it down...do as I say, not as I do, people.

JP

Jordan Takes Over: Finding the Right Word

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance.**

I’m back, bitches! Did you miss me? I know, I know—I haven’t written a blog post in forever. And it’s not because of laziness (no matter what Sarah tells you) or anything. It’s just…well, the last time I did a post was sort of last minute and not all that thought out. And it kinda sucked, really. So basically if I don’t have a good idea, I’m not gonna write a post every month, even if a certain someone starts kicking me. Yeah, ok, she kicks. But I bite.

Anyway! Today we’re gonna talk about word choice. Sometimes it’s easy, other times, not so much. Sometimes when you picture a scene, the words will just pop into your head without any effort at all (and on behalf of all the muses—you’re welcome). Other times you can struggle for hours just trying to get one sentence out (we really don't have anything to do with that...). 

What I really want to talk about is finding a word that works. One that fits with the scene you’re writing as well as the voice of the character (or the narrator if you’re using third person). Sometimes these two things don’t coincide. You may come up with the absolute, most perfect word ever to describe what is happening, but then realize that your narrator would never use this word—he may not even know this word exists. So then what? Do you leave that word in and hope no one notices—that the reader will suspend their disbelief about your narrator’s vocabulary?

Chances are that word is going to stick out like a sore thumb (wait…do sore thumbs stick out? Who came up with that phrase?). You want your voice to be authentic, because even if one word feels off, the reader is going to notice, and it’s going to take them out of the story. You want them to be so engulfed in your story that they forget that they’re reading one. And if they hit one of those words like a bump in the road, it will hit them: “Oh, right. This isn’t real.”

So how do you fix this problem? Well, first of all, you have to know your narrator. You have to know how he or she speaks and what sort of words and phrases will be believable for them. Once you have the voice developed enough, it should come naturally to you. But if you have a bigger vocabulary than your narrator, from time to time, you might come up with a sentence that maybe you would say but your narrator wouldn’t. That sentence may seem perfect for the situation, and it probably is, but if it doesn’t also fit your narrator’s voice, it isn’t going to work.

Example? I thought you’d never ask! So in my book, I’m fifteen and so I don’t have too many fancy words that I would use. But when miss writer lady was writing a particular sentence, the perfect word seemed to be “pretense.” Here’s what the sentence started out as: “I just wanted to strip away all of our clothing and pretense until all that was left was him and me, nothing in between.” Uh, right. Like I would ever use that word. In theory, it was perfect—a noun meaning pretending or make-believe. If you have pretense, then you’re faking something. That was the point she was trying to make—that the characters were pretending, faking—that this act was what was keeping them apart.

But that word just didn’t fit. It felt off. It was something I would never say. So we went to the thesaurus. It wasn’t much help. Charade, act, façade. Nothing seemed to fit both what she was trying to say and the voice of the narrator. Which isn’t to say that the thesaurus can’t be your best friend. We’ve found plenty of alternative words when she came up with some big, fancy schmancy word that I would never use. But sometimes, you’re gonna have to do a bit more thinking, which is exactly what we had to do. We had to let that pretense sit there for weeks—months, even—before finding the answer. Really, sometimes the best thing you can do is to just walk away. Keep writing. Perfect the voice a little more. Get inside the narrator’s head a little more. Write him or her in different situations. And then maybe when you go back to that imperfect phrase, the perfect word will slap you in the face.

And that’s exactly what happened. Because the perfect alternative for “pretense” in this particular sentence turned out to be…drumroll please…BULLSHIT. I’m serious. Here, look at it now: “I just wanted to strip away all of our clothing and bullshit until all that was left was him and me, nothing in between.” Sounds better, right? Less awkward? Like something I’d actually say? Honestly, I think it gets the point across even better than “pretense.”

So trust your narrator and trust your gut. If you think a word is wrong, it probably is, and if you notice it, your readers probably will, too.

See you next month! Maybe.

JP

Jordan Takes Over: Just Calm Down Already

**The first Monday of the month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance.**

You writers can be so uptight. I mean, seriously, one second you're off on some creative binge, and the next you're all, "this crap is never going to amount to anything!" I've just got one thing to say about that: cool it! Just fucking cool it!

Look at it from my perspective. I'm not exactly the commitment type, but Sarah and I have been together for three effing years. That's longer than all of my relationships combined. And trust me, I would not stick around for nothing.

But this post isn't about trusting your muse--I'm sure I've said that all before (or have I? I don't remember...). This is about anxiety. Oh, what's that? You don't get anxiety? Are you a writer? Oh, well in that case...LIAR! It's not just about nerves--every time you tell yourself that you're no good, that's anxiety. You're too worried about spending all this time working on your writing and having it never amount to anything. But you're looking at it the wrong way. So what if it's crap? Everything starts out as crap. No one is brilliant on the first try (No, not even me. But I'm talking like, when I write songs. Not *ahem* other skills...). The point is that you have at least a scrap of a good idea underneath all the shit, and that you understand what needs to be fixed.

You're really just looking at anxiety the wrong way. I think anxiety is awesome. I mean, come on, it makes your heart pound, puts you on the edge. It's something raw and visceral. If you focus too much on this "woe is me" bullshit, then you're gonna lose the whole experience. Think about what being anxious is actually doing for you. If you just walked around thinking you were perfect all the time (hey, shut up, this isn't about me), how could you ever find the flaws in your work? You'll just think it's wonderful and send it out thinking you'll be some overnight star. And then what happens? Well, you get rejections, and you have no idea why. Because you're so goddamn perfect, right?

See the problem? In the long run, a little anxiety can be good for you. That doesn't mean you should be consumed by it. Trust me, I've been with a few guys who were all, "I'm terrible, I'm nothing, I'm doomed to hell just for existing." It gets annoying after a while. Plus, they were usually the nicest, sweetest people you could imagine.

So for fuck's sake, stop being so hard on yourself. And just calm down already.

JP

Jordan Takes Over: Better Late than Never!

Yeah, yeah, I know I didn't post last month and it's almost the end of the day, but you read the title, didn't you? I didn't even want to do this one. But Sarah kicked me and said all I do is sleep, fuck, and sing songs. I said, excuse me, that's not true. I also stuff my face. WITH FOOD. Christ. Perverts.

So lately miss writer lady and I have been wandering in second draft land. For this past week or so we've been deep in the trenches of Chapter Four. It's rough, man. There's like, a big giant math problem, AND symbolism, AND ridiculous amounts of flirting. So basically it's the hardest chapter to get right. So yeah, it's taking a while.

Ok, I feel as though I need to share some of the random insecurities she's having (uh, excuse me, shouldn't we save that for Wednesday? Stop treading on MY post). Anyway, having readers is equal parts exciting and terrifying. Not for me, of course. I don't really give a shit. I mean, I don't mind getting on people's nerves in real life, so why would I care if reading my story annoys people? But yeah, you're not really gonna have a successful book if people don't like the narrator. You could probably get away with it if there's a love to hate me sort of situation, but if they think I'm just whiny and annoying they're probably not going to get through the whole thing.

Oh for fuck's sake, would someone please tell her I'm not going to compare myself to Holden Caulfield AGAIN? And also to stop hovering over my shoulder while I write MY post? Which is mine???

I swear, one of these days we're just going to have one big cat fight. I'm so going to win.

I think I was making a point somewhere. Oh! Well, we've pretty much gotten two kinds of feedback: either people absolutely love it or they don't say anything at all. I'm sure some of them haven't even started reading yet, which is ok. But then she's wondering if there are people who have read it and aren't saying anything--do they not like it? Did they give up after the first chapter? Or are they just waiting to read more to make a comment? I mean, who the hell knows? Or cares, really?

Anyway, if you don't like me then I can tell you exactly where to stick the story. Too much?

See you next month!

JP

Jordan Takes Over: Sweet, Sweet Freedom! And Some Other Sh**

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance.**

You know what's great about December? Well, that I was born, but I'll get to that in a minute. What's great about December is that November is over!!! Start the fireworks! Cue the orchestra!

Wait, am I the only one who's happy about November being over? And by November, I really mean...NaNoWriMo. Ugh, it gives me chills just saying it. I suppose you're wondering how it went. But really, come on, do you seriously care?

Ugh. Fine. The final word count was 30,434. Not a whole lot done structure-wise, just the first two chapters, but a lot of random scenes that are later in the book. She never likes to write things in order. So, yeah, we failed. But it's kinda hard to work on something when your muse wants nothing to do with it. And for me, it was like being locked in a cage for a month. Well, guess what? Now I'm free! And I couldn't be more thrilled. Believe me, it takes a lot to thrill me.

So now that the horrible vampire shit show is pushed aside, we can get back to what really matters. Me, duh. We've got some serious editing to do. And I want it done fast. So chop chop. I'm thinking second draft by February, just in time for the *sigh* muse-iversary. Such a stupid word. But there is a whole big trip to plan. And besides getting the concert tickets, she hasn't even started. We've got a lot of work to do so I guess I'd better start kicking her or something.

Aaaaaaaand the best part! What I know you're all just dying for--the 100th post! December 15. It's coming up fast. Less than two weeks now. And it's on my birthday, of course. It's weird, turning 18 doesn't seem all that exciting for me. Well, because there's not much I'll be able to do that I'm not able to do at 17. I don't smoke and I certainly don't want a tattoo or anything. I could buy porn, I guess, but there's this great thing called the internet that hasn't exactly stopped me before. Plus, you know, technically I'll only be 2 years and 10 months old. But I don't want to confuse you.

Let me just tell you, the 100th post is going to be an extravaganza. A list of 100 fun facts, the synopsis, and possibly a title reveal. If the one she's thinking of right now actually sticks. I can't make any promises. Plus, it is my birthday, so I'll be expecting presents!

Hugs and kisses! I know, that was weird for me, too. I must be in a good mood.

JP

Jordan Takes Over: Creating a Voice

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance. **

Sarah wanted to write a quick little paragraph to introduce this post but guess what? I get one post a month and it’s MINE. So no. No no no. I’m plenty good at explaining things.

But first, holy shit I haven’t posted since we finished the book! No one has given me any credit! You know it’s not entirely my fault that it took so long, right? But we won’t get into that. I mean, yeah, the end was tough, but I don’t think everyone is just peachy spilling their guts over how they lost their virginity. So there. But yeah, it’s done! I won’t get into the second draft woes. She’ll probably write about that on Wednesday. *heavy sigh*

So I guess we’re taking a break to write about VAMPIRES. Ugh. Whatever. It’s only a month. But it’s kind of like being in a relationship with someone for a while and then they turn to you and say, “Oh by the way, honey, I love this super lame thing and you have to love it, too!” And you’re stuck.

But anyway, we’ve been writing away on this thing for only three days and she’s already having doubts about it. I mean, like, put on the brakes and give up sort of doubts. Because she’s got good ideas, but they’re just not translating to the page the way she wanted. As usual, I figured out the problem right away. And it’s all about voice.

The problem is the narrator, Alex. He’s a wimp. He’s not even a good vampire and he can’t decide who or what he’s attracted to—boys, girls, or just someone whose blood smells tasty. He refuses to kill anyone and that’s really what gets him into trouble with the bad guy, who’s still nameless, by the way. Needless to say, I don’t like him. And I had absolutely nothing to do with creating him, thank you very much.

The other characters are cool. Jackelyn is the best—she used to be a slayer who tried to kill Alex and when he beat her instead of letting her die he turned her into a vampire. So since they’re eternally linked or whatever, or because she just wants to annoy him to get revenge, they live together. And she kinda still wants to kill him. Benny, the love interest, isn’t exactly a strong character, but he’s well developed. He’s sort of fragile and naïve, and he was abused as a kid and is afraid of the dark. I mean, come on, you’re dating a vampire and you’re afraid of the dark? That’s some complex stuff right there. Oh, and the baddy is just sadistic for the sake of being sadistic. Who doesn’t love that?

I’m getting off track here. I’m supposed to be talking about voice. Your character’s voice is never gonna come to you instantly. No, not even mine. When Sarah first wrote the short story about me, guess what? It sounded like a girl’s voice. It takes a while to craft a unique voice. The first step with me was to just throw in a bunch of f-bombs and then we worked from there. Now it’s hard for her to NOT write in my voice. It’s like second nature. It’s probably because I’m so awesome. Does my voice annoy you? I’m not as bad in the book, I swear.

So I know why this book is bothering her so much. Alex doesn’t have his own voice yet. Sure, it’s fine for the character to be wishy-washy because that’s something for him to overcome. But his voice shouldn’t be, and right now it is. There’s nothing very striking about it, nothing to distinguish him from anybody else. But honestly, we’re probably not going to make it perfect AND get the whole book done within a month. The best thing we can do is make the story interesting, and then if she wants to go back and edit, then we can craft the voice into something better.

But if she keeps WORRYING about it, then nothing is going to get done. Nothing. We just need to go with it.

JP

Jordan Takes Over: Musing Around

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance...**

Did you miss me? I know you did.

So. Business. Blech. This will be short, though. We’re gonna be doing a revamping of the whole Muse Mondays thing soon, so that it’s more concrete and easier for other people to do. But not right now. We’re way too busy. Trying to finish this book, right? Then stupid NaNoWriMo, which she just insists on doing, and I guess I have to help. So I’m thinking December-ish. Just in time for my birthday! So think about what you’re all getting me.

There’s supposed to be a point to this, right? A certain point to each post I make. Like, I’m supposed to give you some insight from the point of view of a muse and character. Well, I don’t really feel like it. I mean, why do I need to solve your problems anyway? So I’ve got no major points to make today, no writing tips or advice. I’ll save that for the writer.

I want to spoil this whole NaNoWriMo thing sooooooo bad. But she’d kill me. I mean, like really, she could kill me off (pfft yeah right, I could barely say that with a straight face). But I’ll give you some little tidbits. Well the great thing about being a muse is that I can dig through memories and old projects and find some juicy stuff that we can make even better. So it’s something old. Something she started when she was a teenager, but didn’t have nearly the amount of insight or, ahem, inspiration that she does now. It started out as a really bad short story and a few cute but not well plotted vignettes. But we’re taking the characters and giving them whole new life. Or death, for some. Get it yet? I can’t say anything more. I’ll get in trouble. Wouldn’t want to get BITTEN or anything.

I swear I’ll come up with a better idea for next month’s post. I’m open to ideas, too. Like, what would you want your muse to explain to you? Why they exist? Why they’re such assholes? Or what would you want to ask your characters? We’re like real people, just living in a world that you designed. That’s some crazy philosophical shit, right? 

JP

Jordan Takes Over: Forcing Your Characters

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance...**

First of all, I've gotta slap some people around. Not a single one of you signed up for the Muse Mondays blog hop. Pfft. Whatever. We don't need you bitches. But in case you have no freaking clue what I'm talking about, click here! It's pretty flexible, I mean just pick any Monday you want. We'll probably get stricter if MORE PEOPLE JOIN.

Anyway, we've been having some issues. And as usual, I'm the one to blame. Sure, blame the muse when you can't write. Take the easy way out. Well, ok. Chapter 12 is such a bitch. Especially because it’s actually Chapter 11. But that’s beside the point!

Ok, let me lay out the scene for you. I go to this party and there’s some girls there. It’s really boring, but somehow I end up talking to this chick Madison, and she totally wants to jump me. Why? Because I’m gorgeous, duh. No, really, it may or may not be to get revenge on this girl who I had a thing with at some point in ancient history and who pissed Madison off for whatever reason. (You don’t find out because I didn’t. Yay first person!) And so we almost do it. Almost?! you're probably wondering—I’ll get to it…

Anyway, the almighty writer doesn’t understand why this chapter is so hard to write. But guess what? I do!

Here’s the problem: I DON’T LIKE GIRLS. Well, maybe sometimes. I guess that’s why it’s confusing. But still, it’s out of character because I swore off girls in the very first sentence of the book. So that brings me to a bigger question—are you forcing your characters? Are you making them do something that they wouldn’t normally do?

So if you try to force your characters—like into a girl’s…OH SHE WON’T LET ME WRITE IT. PG-13 SHE SAYS. Wait, does that mean I only get one f-bomb? When did this rule start?!

What was I saying?! Oh yeah, so if you think you’re in control of your story (is that what you think?), you might try to shove your characters into places where they don’t fit. I mean figuratively! Geez.

Like, ok! An example. Let’s say your character’s really shy, and they see somebody getting picked on, and they just randomly stand up to the bully. Does it seem realistic? Or are you forcing your character to do something they would never actually do just for the sake of the story?

Hold on—What? Stop whispering in my ear, woman! Ok, so if your character overcoming something is part of the plot—like they need to get over their shyness in order to grow, then that’s ok. You just need a reason for it. And the character needs to be aware of how out of character it is for them (whoa). And you need a lot of aftermath and contemplation and all that stuff.

So if you don’t have a good reason for it, then WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IT?

I guess what I’m saying is let your characters be themselves. It’s gonna be obvious if they’re doing something weird. So if you need that moment in the story, you need a reason for it. The whole me and Madison thing is super complicated. But there’s a reason for it happening, and that leads to something happening after that’s even more important. I don’t wanna give anything away…*ahem.* Oh, who am I kidding? I didn’t get laid that night. By anyone. So lame.

But to make it a little clearer—I end up finding Madison attractive because she’s basically the girl version of me and I’m in love with myself (I could be a shrink, I swear). She had a vibe that was different from other girls. Plus I’m just a sucker for attention. So there’s your reasoning for why we start going at it. For a few reasons (that I’m not going to tell you, la la la la la la), it doesn’t happen. BUT. It does put me in a mindset to make a few impulsive decisions that lead to one thing and that leads to another and another and—you get it? The things that happen because of this out-of-character moment end up being HUGE for the overall story. So, there’s reasoning and there’s aftermath.

Those two things are essential if you’re forcing your characters to do something they wouldn’t normally do. Otherwise you’re just pushing them around. They’re not gonna seem like a real person if they’re just doing random shit all the time. You need some consistency, people! Don’t bully your characters. We can bite back. And I’m not gentle.

I guess that’s it. Well. Fuck. Good day!

JP 

Jordan Takes Over: See What I Did There?

I’m back, bitches! Every first Monday of the month, I get to take over. And today, I’m going to tell you why I’m awesome.

But let’s get business out of the way first. Look up! See something new? That’s the Muse Mondays page, where you can sign up and join all the festivities. Why would you want to join? Because I said so!

All right, now that’s over, back to the real reason why you’re here: me! I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Geez. Well, sort of. I’m actually gonna talk about why your muse is perfect and why you should always listen to him/her.

We’re fickle creatures, really. I mean, I certainly don’t stay put for very long. I’ve got quite the short attention span. But that doesn’t mean I’m not ever helpful. I just have a lot of shit to do, you know? I’m distracted by shiny objects. And cute boys. And snacks. But whatever. I’m a creative person. I get it. There are days where you sit around hoping that inspiration strikes, and then there are days where you say to yourself, “fuck it, if I want to write, then I’m gonna write!” Easier said than done, right? It’s those times that you force yourself that it feels off—the fact that you weren’t really feeling it shows up in your writing. It’s because you need your inspiration—you need your muse. And sometimes we’re just not around.

Anyway, I said something about your muse being perfect, right? Right. Well, that’s because they are. Perfect for you. And, please, do not get it into your head that you created us or chose us or whatever bullshit reason you have come up with. We exist just fine on our own, and we chose you. Sometimes you’ve got a good story, but you can’t tell it on your own. You need somebody to help. That’s where you come in. It’s the perfect relationship, don’t you think? We need a person with fingers to type and words in their head and you need somebody to inspire you and give you ideas.

But I guess the main thing I’m trying to say here is that you need to trust your muse. Even if it doesn’t make sense. If you get struck with an idea and you don’t think it’s going to work, try it anyway. Trust me, there’s a reason for it. What’s the worst that could happen? If you finish it and you know it doesn’t work, so you lose a few minutes. You probably would have spent more time wondering about it if you didn’t write it. Things don’t always work out. I mean, we’ve written some horrible shit that seemed perfect at the time. But, you know, things change. If you let ideas build up inside your head then, well, you’re just gonna explode. And nobody wants that (I mean, brain explosions. Others are just fine *wink wink*).  

How many times have you written something that seemed insignificant but then you looked back and saw just how perfect it was? Or you somehow worked some genius symbolism that you didn’t even notice? Yeah, well, you’re welcome. You know when they say, trust your gut? Well, in writing that just means trust your muse. Because we know what the fuck we’re doing, all right?

All right, I’m done rambling. I’ll see all you losers in a month.

JP

Muse Mondays: The Takeover

A Guest Blog

by Jordan M. Palmer

I don’t get the whole middle initial thing. Maybe it’s because Mason is the stupidest name ever. But anyway…

I guess I’m supposed to apologize first, which I’m not going to do. There’s a difference between accepting responsibility and being sorry. I’m not fucking sorry. She should know better. Was I sorry for seducing an older man? Well, maybe, we’re still working on that I guess.

I’m sorry, I get distracted easily. What were we talking about? Oh, I hadn't even begun to make a point yet. Well then. You may have noticed that there hasn't been anything posted here in months (I like to italicize. It’s good for emphasis). And I guess it’s all my fault, because I’m a selfish asshole. Blah blah blah, what else is new?

So she works, like a lot. It’s really boring. I usually find something else to do, except when there’s inappropriate conversation between coworkers, which is a lot, actually. You’d be surprised. I can help with that sort of thing. Actually, I managed to crack her up while she was on the phone with a customer once. But anyway, so that takes up a lot of time and so if there’s time to write, well then it has to be about me. Sorry, it just does. So once we ran out of blog ideas I wasn't really putting in the effort for new ones.

Do you know what a muse really is? I mean, weren't they like some imaginary bitches in Ancient Greece or something that helped you write poems? (Oh Christ—don’t even get me started, she’s on this Ancient Greece kick right now, like reading all this shit. Because everyone was a fucking pederast back then. And something about math. Pythagoras  I dunno. I stop paying attention when symbolism comes up.) When did teenage boys become muses? I don’t know how I got this gig, really. 

You probably don’t understand how hard it is to be a muse. I mean, it’s like, 24/7. Sometimes I have to hijack her dreams, but mostly that’s just for exploiting memories. But I've got all the responsibility here—my book, obviously, but the blogs, and poems, and whatever else she comes up with. Sometimes I have to tweet, too. It’s like I’m freakin' in charge of everything. I can only focus so much attention on each thing. Maybe I’m a little biased but whatever. I’m running the show.

Do you have any idea how exhausting it is? I have to exist, simultaneously, in every important moment of my life. The character version of myself will always be fifteen, no matter how much time goes by. But if she wants to work on the sequel thingy? Well, then I have to be twenty. We've even gone so far as twenty-nine. You try to be fourteen different ages all at once. And if we’re talking real time? Well then I’m sixteen, almost seventeen. I’m a junior in high school, so I've got a lot of shit to do. Plus I've got the band with my friend Eric (I’m an amazing singer—she didn't tell you? Geez). And I've got like three boyfriends and maybe a girlfriend, too. THEN I’m supposed to help this chick write my life story? Does that sound fair to you?

But anyway, this post is called “The Takeover,” not “Jordan Bitches All Night.” We’re at a turning point. We’re gonna pump some life back into this dead and rotting blog. And I guess the first step is getting my permission. So fine, I guess I won’t hog all of the attention (even though she’s more in love with me than her boyfriend…cough cough…but you didn't hear it from me). We’re even gonna work on a play that has absolutely nothing to do with me.

So we’re gonna try blogging three times a week. Mondays will often be called “Muse Mondays,” usually about inspiration, what sorts of things help with her writing, or just about me in general *grin*. Fridays will also have some fun posts, but I’m not gonna give everything away right now. And then Wednesdays, too. We’re gonna wing it for now and hopefully we won’t run out of steam too quickly. Neither of us is very organized, but we’ll find a way to plan ahead.

So look forward to some action around here. And you never know, I might pop back in now and then. Be afraid!

I’m just kidding. You love me. It’s a gift I have.

JP