Down Bad

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Have you ever related to a breakup song not because of a past romantic relationship, but because of the relationship that you had with one of your own fictional characters? No? Just me? Well, buckle up! 

Yes, I'm talking about a Taylor Swift song. Again. 

The song is called "Down Bad," and for the first few weeks of listening to it, I didn't think I related to it at all. Other than my husband, I only had one boyfriend for a couple months in high school, so I generally don't relate to breakup songs at all. I just don't have all that much experience. 

This song uses an alien abduction as a metaphor for being swept up in an intense romance that feels other-worldly, and then being left suddenly, stranded like none of it ever happened. 

Funnily enough, the connection hit me while I was at the gym (the first line of the chorus is "Now I'm down bad crying at the gym"). I've been in a writing rut for several years, so I'm not surprised I didn't pick up on it right away. So long, in fact, that if you're new here or just stopping by from the IWSG list, you probably don't even know what I'm talking about. But I realized I felt exactly the same way about my relationship with Jordan, my main character/muse from my novel Uneven Lines (that I've been off and on working on since 2011). 

I remember those first days of writing this particular story. The idea hit me out of nowhere, and the need to work on it was so intense that I would forget to eat or be physically bothered by the fact that I wasn't writing. I was obsessed with this story, and continued to be obsessed with it for years. Life, time, and energy always kept me from finishing it as quickly as that first short story. Turning it into a novel was a daunting task, but it was still an obsession. 

I also truly felt like Jordan was practically a real person who I had this intense relationship with that can really only happen with your own characters. It's some weird combo of best friend, brother, son, and arch enemy. I would talk to him. I felt his presence. I wanted to finish this book so badly and get it out into the world. 

But then one day it all kind of went away. Maybe it wasn't all at once and was more gradual than just being dropped in the middle of a field from an alien ship. But it definitely felt like being stranded. I felt like Jordan had left me. I felt like this story had left me. I loved working on it so much and I still long for the days where everything was intense and the ideas and the words just flowed so easily. 

One of my favorite lines in the song is: "Like I lost my twin." That's what it feels like. 

I feel like this post is getting more depressing than I intended. I just miss that feeling of wanting to work on something every second I could, because it's been so long since I've wanted to really work on anything at all. I don't know how to get that feeling back.

I guess I'll just keep staring at the sky, hoping he'll come back and pick me up. 

**here's the song if you'd like a listen, but just a warning, there are many many many f-bombs**