Remember when I said I give my characters birthdays? Well, today just so happens to be Jordan’s birthday.
Remember when I said I was crazy? No? I didn’t say that? Are you sure?
I was grocery shopping the other day and somehow ended up in the baking aisle. I halted my cart for a brief second, my eyes glancing over the boxes of cake mixes. Twenty different kinds of chocolate, vanilla—no, no, no, I said to myself, inching the cart forward. Then I saw it—lemon cake, which held a particular significance with me because of a certain scene in Chapter Four involving a cupcake. I was tempted to reach for the box but pushed onward, despite the distinct voice in my head saying, “make me a cake, woman!”
Yes, we have actual conversations. Sure, I’ll say I imagine them, but really, his responses are so quick that I have my doubts.
I decided against the cake with various thoughts of, “You know I’m the only person who will eat that whole freaking cake,” and “You can’t turn sixteen if you’ve only existed for ten months!” And that was the end of it.
I still felt like I had to do something celebratory. But how do you commemorate your muse’s birthday? A day filled with writing? That seems more like a present for me. I still don’t really know, and maybe this blog post is the best I can do. I can’t accurately explain my devotion to him. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve told my boyfriend things like, “I have two soul mates!” and “You know I’m in love with him, right?” but he just brushes it off as part of my crazy writer’s mind.
How do you describe something that isn’t real but at the same time is more real than anything? Something you created that became bigger than yourself? Or a relationship that is insanely passionate but completely platonic? Or somebody who is equal parts son, brother, lover, friend, but also part of yourself?
I can’t, I guess. I can just say “happy birthday” and promise to keep writing until this insanity fulfills its purpose.
So, alas, there will be no cake. But just for fun, here is the birthday playlist I made (because I make playlists for EVERYTHING). I thought I’d explain each song, but where’s the fun in that? I’d probably still be the only person who will understand. And that’s just fine.
Songs for My Muse
- Vanessa Carlton – Ordinary Day
- Vienna Teng – Stray Italian Greyhound
- Duncan Sheik – Mr. Chess
- Coldplay – Yellow
- Goo Goo Dolls – Big Machine
- Lady GaGa – Bad Romance
