So Many Insecurities

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I have so many insecurities I don't know where to begin! But that's what happens most months, actually. So I thought I would break it down.

Blog Insecurities 

I don't want to talk too much about the A to Z Challenge here because I'm saving that for my reflections post. I will say that this year's was kind of disappointing for me, and that's mostly my own fault. But right now I'm just glad it's over, and I hope to come up with a more fun topic next year so I can enjoy it more. I'm also insecure about writing new posts. This week has been easy, since Monday, Wednesday, and Friday were at least somewhat figured out way beforehand. And next Monday I'll post my A to Z reflections. After that? I have no idea. I'm also very close to both my 400th post AND my 5th blogiversary. I could probably make them happen on the same day, actually. I have no idea what I would want to do, though (and no, not a Muse Party).

Writing Insecurities 

I've gotten zero done on the revision front lately, which is kind of disappointing since I seemed to be on the right track for a while. I still haven't finished the first chapter revision. I know things will get so much easier once I finish it. The next few chapters don't need much work at all. And then besides a few major edits, I can probably fly through to the last third. When I get to the last third, however, I'll be completely lost again. It just seems so overwhelming that I don't even want to work on it. But at the same time, all I can do is think about it.

Life Insecurities 

Did I mention I have a wedding date? NBD, right? September 12 in Las Vegas. We've already got our hotel suite, flights, and the chapel booked. I'm looking at wedding dresses for the first time in a couple weeks and I'm petrified. I'm bringing my fiance because otherwise I will be a nervous wreck, plus I'm not superstitious at all. I am so not the type of person who likes to be the center of attention. I must be the most anti-bride of all the anti-brides who ever lived. So far we've got six people going and that's already too many in my opinion. I just want to hide.

I'm also trying to lose weight. I started Weight Watchers again and it's going pretty well. I've already lost ten pounds (although I think I cheated because I was definitely bloated for my first weigh in...the ladies know what I'm talking about). I want to exercise more but a few weeks ago I pulled a muscle and could barely walk. Work was excruciating at times and today is actually my first day without taking any Advil at all. I think the fact that we have the crappiest mattress ever did not help the healing process, but luckily we're getting a new one this weekend! I just hope it doesn't cost too much because I'm still super broke from that whole not having a job thing. Glad that's over! And do you know how much money it costs to eat healthy? So many fruits and veggies...goodbye paycheck...

Ok, I'm done. I think. What is everyone else insecure about?

Jordan Takes Over: Blame Game

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance.**

Can you believe it's been two months since I've written a post? Are you devastated?? Ok, ok, I know it probably doesn't feel that way since Sarah spent the whole month of April talking about how obsessed with me she is, or something like that. I don't know, I didn't actually read them. AND I'd like to know whose idea was it to have Adam write my March post. Mine, you say? Because I was sleeping?? I want proof. Recordings, documents, things with signatures! I don’t give up things that are mine that easily. And I certainly don’t share. 

So anyway, when you can't write, you tend to make a lot of excuses. No time, too tired, no inspiration, blah blah blah. About that last one, though. If you can't write because you don't feel inspired, who do you usually blame? Yourself? Yeah, right. You blame your muse. And let me tell you, we're sick and tired of your crap. 

Ok, so I'm actually not the most cooperative of muses. I mean, we've been working on this thing forever. Like, I was 15 when we started. Now I'm hearing that Sarah and Adam are teaming up to write some short story for my 21st birthday (and they think I don't know about it!). But that's not until December (plenty of time to figure out what you're getting me). 

Wait, I'm getting off topic. Where was I? Oh right, being cooperative. You see, I didn't exactly sign up for this muse gig. It just kinda happened. It just means I had a good story to tell, not that I was some great resource for inspiration. I mean, do I really have to be around every single day until we get this done? Because I definitely haven't been. Oops. 

I'm not exactly a big picture kind of guy. I don't think too far into the future. I'm more about living in the moment. I guess writing a novel is really a big picture kind of thing. Sure, you take it one word, one scene, one chapter at a time. But you can't exactly get the thing done without at least imagining the whole thing. So I'd have to say I'm not exactly the best person to help with writing a novel. 

But it's not entirely my fault, either! If I actually get on board with providing the inspiration and she doesn't even use it, well, what should I do? Just keep giving and giving and still nothing happens? Yeah, right. Trust me, I don't stick with anything if it isn't worth it for me. So why do I stick around at all? What, do you think I could get someone else to write my story? I do not even want to go there. 

So we're not exactly perfect for each other. Or maybe we are. Still figuring that one out. 

JP

Zipper (and Other Words I Hate)

**My theme for this year's A to Z Challenge is THE REVISION PROJECT. Topics I come across while I write the third draft of my novel, Uneven Lines.**

I barely got a chance to even look before he pulled my zipper down and slipped his hand over my boxers. 

Yeah, there was no quote in UL that uses the word "zipper" that wasn't naughty. Sorry not sorry. Actually, I'm lying. There's totally a sentence in the first chapter that mentions backpack zippers. But where's the fun in that?? 

So I actually hate the word zipper. But it's one of those weird words that you can't really find a way of replacing or editing out. So I started thinking about what other words I hate that I still have to use from time to time. So I made a list!

WARNING: Most of my least favorite words are related to sexytimes in some way.

Zipper
Ok, it's not so much the word that I hate. It's that it's just a necessary part of any below the waist sexy scenes. Pants can't come off without zippers going down. I know you can skip some things, but that always seems to be an action that needs to be on the page or people are going to wonder how the heck those pants came off. Magic? Scissors? And the pants aren't always 100% off, either, but Jordan's always wearing skinny jeans, no one's getting in there without a zipper being undone.

Nipple
I hate this word probably more than any other word and I don't even know why! It's just a weird word! It's a weird thing! Especially on dudes! But I mean, it's there. Sometimes a tongue has to be touching it...

Erection
This is one of those words that just sounds so textbook in a sentence. Like, what is this, high school health class? What's the alternative--hard on? Because that sounds SO romantic! NOT.

The F Word
No, not the obvious one. That's in there 183 times. The mean terrible one. I've tried to use it somewhat ironically but it always stands out like a sore thumb. I think it may be better off not in there at all. (Except maybe the quote featured in my V post. But that whole paragraph is heavy on the sarcasm so I think it works).

Love
Ok, I don't actually hate the word love. But it's kinda hard to come up with words that you dislike and still have to use (because if you dislike a word, you typically just don't use it!). But for this particular novel, I made it a point not to use this word. At all. Ok, once. That's why I'm hoping it will stand out in that particular sentence, because it kind of shows how one character is entirely aware of how another character feels for him (but has not revealed this to the reader). But I have made sure that I don't use it in any other sentence in the book, even something so simple as, "I love pizza!"

I wanted this list to be longer, but like I said, coming up with words that I hate and still have to use is hard. Plus they're all probably related to sex somehow. Well, that is it for this year's A to Z Challenge! I hope you all enjoyed my ramblings this month.

What words do you hate? Are you going to take a nice long nap now that the Challenge is over??

Yummy Stuff

**My theme for this year's A to Z Challenge is THE REVISION PROJECT. Topics I come across while I write the third draft of my novel, Uneven Lines.**

I stuck the fork right into the squishy, yellow center, picking up a big chunk and sliding it onto my tongue. It was sweet and tangy, the flavors erupting in my mouth. I snatched up the entire dish and brought it back to the couch and ate and ate and ate until my fork scraped up all the crust from the bottom. I just couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t even want to. 

One of my favorite things to write are food descriptions. This won't always be necessary in every story, but in UL, food plays a huge role, so it definitely pops up now and then. Writing about food can be fun--what it looks like, smells like, tastes like. It's a great chance to really dive into a description and cover all of the senses. 

But why food? Well, that will depend on the story. For mine, food represents not only an actual hunger, but also a more symbolic one, as well as an awakening of sexuality. With pie and cupcakes. Yeah, it may seem weird, but I think it works. It's one of the more fun parts of writing my novel. 

So where do I sneak in food descriptions? Well, most of them are at the beginning. If you read this post, you may remember that when Tom first meets Jordan, he brings him a pie (it's a math joke!). Chapter One ends with Jordan eating that entire pie in one sitting. His hunger is something that cannot be contained, but also exposes a vulnerability that he isn't quite ready to admit, either. 

I will fully admit that it gets bizarre at points, and I absolutely love it. One of my favorite scenes involves eating lemon bars while Jordan, is, well, by himself...doing something else at the same time (wink wink). It's so weird and yet it works. Every time I include a lengthy food description, what I'm hoping for is to actually show some other aspect other than just the fact that my characters are eating. There are other emotions and desires going on at the same time as a literal hunger for food. 

Why would you want to include food? If not for a symbolic reason, maybe just to show character traits. Maybe one of your characters likes to cook. Having them cook for another character could be a good way to show certain aspects of their relationship as well. Or maybe you just want to make your readers hungry...

Do you include food descriptions in your stories? Do you think you could eat a whole pie in one sitting??

Exceeding Expectations

**My theme for this year's A to Z Challenge is THE REVISION PROJECT. Topics I come across while I write the third draft of my novel, Uneven Lines.**

But clearly it was supposed to happen, since the universe so conveniently placed the answer right in the palm of my hand. I mean, I’m used to getting my way, but this was more than that. This was a sign.

I'm not exactly the type of person to believe that things will go my way. I don't honestly believe that I'll finish this book in the near future and get it published and then all my dreams will come true. But that doesn't mean I don't dream, either. I guess the weirdest part about that is that sometimes I actually worry that these dreams will come true. What if it's just too much for me to handle? What if I just want to run and hide instead? 

I won't deny the fact that I dream big. I mean, I lead a very rich fantasy life. And it's this weird mixture of thinking/hoping that all of these things will come true while also being incredibly rational thinking that they couldn't possibly happen. Like, I'm delusional, but I'm also very much aware of how delusional I am. Sometimes I wonder if these thoughts are helping or if they are holding me back. 

It's not just because I worry about reality not living up to my expectations. That's pretty much guaranteed to happen. There's another underlying fear that I don't really like to think about that much. What if these dreams do all come true? Am I really the type of person who can handle it? I'm not exactly one for the spotlight. I mean, I can't even take the pressure of being a bride right now and only six people are coming to my wedding. So why do I think being some famous author is going to work out for me? 

But I also think everything happens for a reason. I've always thought that this story is bigger than me, because it was just so strange that I even came up with it in the first place. I feel like it serves a bigger purpose than just being a story, but I can't know what that is now. 

And then there was the sign, of course. I know I've mentioned it a few times with my weird vagueness, and that's for two reasons. I don't really want to talk about it that much until I actually know whether or not it was a sign. That could take years to figure out. But also I don't want to explain it and have people say, that's not a sign, you're just crazy! I'd like to hold onto that little bit of hope. 

I will tell you that it involved at least four coincidences at once. I knew three of them beforehand, which was pretty much why I was where I was in the first place. Things seemed to line up perfectly and I just had to be there. What I didn't expect was the fourth coincidence, and it kind of slapped me in the face. I've mentioned before that my novel has colors--blue and gray (yes, I know it's weird, but stay with me). I suddenly realized those two colors were right there, front and center. It was kind of nerve-wracking to realize this. What did it mean?

I know the more logical explanation is that it meant nothing and it was just a big coincidence. But it was just so weird that I still think about it from time to time over three years later. Was this the universe's way of telling me things will work out? Or am I just nuts? 

Either way, the thought of success is mildly terrifying. What if I can't handle it? I feel like I'm the kind of person who would rather go hide in a cave than shine in the spotlight. But that doesn't mean I don't want to finish and publish this book. So I guess, like most things, I'll have to take it one step at a time. 

Are you afraid of success? Do you think the universe sends signs?

Wait, I Take It Back

**My theme for this year's A to Z Challenge is THE REVISION PROJECT. Topics I come across while I write the third draft of my novel, Uneven Lines.**

I felt so stupid and angry. I didn’t want to forgive Brian, not ever, and I wasn’t ready to forgive myself. It just seemed so easy to forgive Tom, because he was so f***ing pathetic, because I didn’t want to start over. 

Stories usually have a lot of twists and turns. Not everything that happens is going to be expected. If you want to keep the reader entertained, including a few surprises could be a good way to go. But how do you get things back on track after you've included a surprise? Does it lead your characters down a completely new road or is it more of a detour? 

What happens after the twist will probably depend on how big it is, or how it relates to the overall story. Is it something life changing or just something that temporarily throws your characters off? How do you recover from a twist (if recovery is even possible)? 

My issue is that I feel like I recover from my twist too quickly. There's something that happens at the end of Chapter 17 that is completely unexpected. I love the twist. LOVE IT. So much so that I'm not going to explain it and spoil it. I love everything about it, how it comes out of left field, my narrator's response to it. It's pretty much perfect (I think...). What I worry about is how fast I smooth things over. In the next chapter, actually. 

Basically one character does something bad to another. It seems like their relationship is over, but then some other unrelated bad things happen and the second character changes his mind. Then the character who did the bad thing explains why he did it and apologizes. And then we're back to normal. 

I just hope that the chain of events leading up to the apology doesn't make it seem so strange. But I also worry that the character's explanation basically takes back the bad thing he did. It's not completely swept under the rug but it's pretty much forgotten within a few chapters. Does this totally ruin the shock of the twist? Or should I find some other way to keep its impact going as the book continues? 

Do you ever "take things back" in a story? How do you deal with a twist?

Voice

**My theme for this year's A to Z Challenge is THE REVISION PROJECT. Topics I come across while I write the third draft of my novel, Uneven Lines.**

Great. Just fabulous. I mean, really. What the hell, why didn’t we just have everyone watch us going at it? It would have been a great show. Watch the f** try to f*** the desperate whore. Who knows what could happen?!

One of the few good things about working on the same novel for over five years is that at this point, I have the voice down. It is done, it's developed, it's perfect in my mind. It certainly may not be everyone's cup of tea ("Who has tea??" Jordan says. "You made tea and didn't make me a cup?!"), but neither is the whole book. For this book, and for this character in particular, the voice works.

Voice is a tricky thing. What you need can depend on a lot of things. Each character should have his/her own distinct voice when they speak, but that doesn't necessarily come up on every page. Your narrator's voice does, though. And if the book is in first person, you're actually writing from a character's point of view. As you read, you're experiencing everything through his eyes and his words. You want it to sound like a real person is telling the story. That's where voice comes in.

Everyone has a certain way of speaking. Your narrator's voice should be distinct from the other characters in the book. We should actually believe that this person would use these words to tell the story. When I first started writing UL, it did not sound like a teenage boy was telling the story. It sounded like a twentysomething girl was, well, because that's who was writing it. Voice doesn't always come to you right away. Sometimes just getting the story down first is more important. But developing a distinct voice for your narrator will not only make the story believable, but hopefully more enjoyable.

Honestly, the first thing I did to develop Jordan's voice was just to throw a lot of swears in. I figured that was a totally plausible thing for a teenager to be doing. I cut the big, lengthy words that he would never use and replaced them with more believable ones (like "bullsh**" for "pretense," that was a good one!). I didn't shy away from fragments. I added little phrases that I probably will need to cut down on in the third draft, like all the "I mean"s and "really"s and "I mean, really"s.

I guess the one thing I worry about is that some people won't like the voice. But I guess those are the same people who wouldn't like the book anyway. But some people are turned off by swears. I almost didn't include the end of the above quote until I realized that was kind of the point. If Jordan wasn't swearing all the time, it would probably seem weird. I know that limits my audience a bit, but I just think it's more believable, and it's something unique to his voice. There are other characters in the book who never swear, but he's definitely not one of them. So why would his narration be any different than his dialogue?

Figuring out the voice can depend on a lot of things. Who your character is, what point in his life he's telling his story from, or just how he speaks in general. It can take a long time to develop, but as long as the narrator has a unique voice, that will make the story come alive even more.

How do you develop a character's voice? Do you mind reading books with swears?