Still Burnt Out

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

I didn't really know what to write about for this month, probably because I've been feeling the same way that I have for months. I just don't really have the desire to write at all. I was keeping up with the editing for a while (got 400 'then's down to 125!), but now I haven't been doing much of anything, except watching the occasional Youtube video and writing down a few notes when ideas come to me.

I think there are a lot of factors making me feel so burnt out, and not all of them are actually about writing. My job has been really stressful and busy lately and I'm just exhausted all of the time. I used to get up early on my days off to get things done, but now I sleep in. I haven't been going to the gym that much anymore and I've found pretty much every excuse to cheat on my diet (I like to eat my feelings, ok?). My energy level has just been so low lately, so it's hard to come home and want to do anything but relax and watch TV. 

I do feel burnt out when it comes to writing, though. There is still SO MUCH I want to fix in UL, not to mention the fact that I still don't quite know how to end it. Sometimes I feel like giving up on it, but I know that I can't. I've put so much work into it already and I just can't give up, but sometimes it's hard to keep going when it's already been so long and there's still so much to do.

I've thought about working on something different for a while. I'd like to get back to my NaNo book from 2019 (currently titled Sexy Fluff #1), but part of me wants to start over instead of just finishing the first draft. I feel like my rivals to lovers concept wasn't strong enough, like my characters weren't strong enough rivals. But I digress. I think I should finish the first draft and then go back and fix things in the second draft. 

It's probably a good idea to work on SF #1 because I actually feel a little bit excited about it? I just need to find the motivation. I started reading a book that's in the same genre, and I chose one by an author I'd read before and I really liked that book, but the one I'm trying to read right now is just...not good. So I thought it would inspire me to get to writing, and it's just not. But maybe trying to write a better book than this one will motivate me! 

Anyway, I've written way more than I thought I would, but the good news is that after work this Friday, I'm off for 6 days! I don't want to push myself too hard to work on writing unless I really want to, but either way, I think it will be good to have some time off work and relax, do a few fun things, and just unwind. Maybe by the end of my mini vacation, I'll have some of my energy back, and then hopefully the motivation will follow. 

Anything but a Quitter

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

This month's optional question is: What would make you quit writing? 

I think the short answer is...NOTHING. And I'm being completely serious. I mean, I've experienced pretty much everything that involves not writing--breaks, breathers, pauses, hiatuses, burnout, crushing depression, feeling like my writing is never going to be any good and no one will ever read it. But the one thing that I never did was quit. I just don't think it's in me. 

I've always been a writer. Ever since I was little, I imagined stories in my head. I don't think I could make that go away if I tried. Even if I had no intention to publish, I would still write for myself. I would still come up with stories and want to put them into words. 

I guess the only plausible scenario would be if I ran out of ideas, and that definitely isn't happening any time soon. I've still got plenty of ideas that I haven't even started yet. 

I have been feeling rather insecure when it comes to writing lately. I mentioned a while back that I had a three month goal of working on something writing related every day (and that I would reward myself with Cheesecake Factory when I finished). I was doing great for a while. Some days were more productive than others, sure, but I was doing it. 

Well, when June hit, at first I was feeling a bit burnt out. I was struggling to pick things to do every day, and for several days in a row I just watched Youtube videos about writing. I felt kind of guilty even counting that, but I was able to write down a few notes and get inspired from those videos. Not too long after, though, I got sick. I don't even know what I had. First I thought I had strep throat, but I tested negative. Then a couple weeks later I had a horrible headache for days and even a fever for a bit. I pretty much refused to go to urgent care because they couldn't do anything for my throat and I didn't want to go back, and I really just felt like I needed to rest. 

I did get better after a couple days, but I didn't do any writing whatsoever. Part of me was upset, but another part felt like I needed the break. I needed a few days to not have that pressure hanging over my head. 

But I did want to get back on track, so I decided to let July be my third month! It's going well so far. I've started slowly with a search for "that," which can be really easy to eliminate a lot of the time. My first sweep got 1255 'thats' down to 1062. I honestly thought it would be more, but I'm going to go back through it again and get rid of some of the trickier ones, or the times where there are way too many in the same paragraph or page. And then I'll move on to the next task.

Do you ever feel like you need a break? What would make you quit writing?

The Rewriting Rush

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

This month I'm a co-host! The other awesome co-hosts are J Lenni Dorner, Natalie Aguirre, Lee Lowery, and Rachna Chhabria!

This month's optional question is: For how long do you shelve your first draft, before reading it and re-drafting? Is this dependent on your writing experience and the number of stories/books under your belt?

For me, I think it depends on the story, and whether I am so excited about it that I just want to keep going, or if writing it was so exhausting that I need a little break from it. Or, if there's a deadline involved, you usually have to jump right into editing once the first draft is done. When I wrote the first draft of "The Last Dragon" for the Hero Lost anthology, I had to jump right back into it in order to submit it in time (and get my word count waaaaaaaaaaay down). 

Uneven Lines is a whole other animal. There have been so many versions and drafts and breaks and hiatuses that I don't even know where I am anymore sometimes. Technically I'm on the third draft (of the novel version), but there have been draft changes halfway through, and while I'm mostly editing right now, this draft isn't actually complete. I still haven't written the last two chapters. What happens isn't completely clear to me, and I hope getting the previous chapters to exactly where I want them will help me figure it out. 

Sometimes, in order to just get something done, I just have to pick a specific task and focus on that. I've been trying to purge all of the editing comments that I've left myself in the Word document for the whole manuscript. A couple weeks ago I tackled every "rewrite" comment, getting it down from 78 to 11, only leaving the ones that will involve a big rewrite (at least a page), or more brainstorming to figure it out. Most of the ones I fixed were either a sentence or a paragraph, so it was easier to go through and improve on those sentences. 

And you know what? Rewriting is really satisfying! There have been plenty of times where I've stared at a page of writing, having absolutely no clue and no desire to try editing it. But when I focus on a specific part, knowing that if I just take a moment and really think about it, I can fix it and make it better. And doing that feels great! 

Last week I went through my comments again, finding the ones that said "show," meaning that the sentence I wrote was telling when it should have been showing. There were only 22 this time, and I only left one incomplete because it's part of a whole page rewrite. 

But I just love the feeling of taking a sentence/paragraph that isn't so great and transforming it into something better. For instance, I had this passage marked in my manuscript: 

Before we could say anything else, the waiter came back and set our food in front of us. I wasn’t really hungry anymore, but we started eating because there was nothing else left to do. 

I had specifically marked "I wasn't really hungry anymore," with a "show" comment, because I didn't really think I conveyed why Jordan didn't feel hungry anymore. It took me a while to actually figure out what I needed to say in this moment, but I finally rewrote it as: 

The waiter came back and set our food in front of us, pulling us out of this moment and back to reality. I stared down at my plate for the longest time, not wanting it because that emptiness in the pit of my stomach didn’t feel like hunger anymore. I didn’t know what else to say, and Tom didn’t say anything, either. We started eating because there was nothing else left to do. 

Sometimes less is more, but I think in this particular instance, I needed more words to show how Jordan was feeling in that moment. I really like how this rewrite turned out. It's a really great feeling when you just know you've changed something for the better.

Do you like rewriting? How long do you shelve your first draft? 

Random Bursts of Motivation

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I know I've probably mentioned this (many) times before, but I struggle with motivation, especially when it comes to writing. Like, I'm really good at motivating myself to do the dishes, but not so much at doing some editing or brainstorming. I don't know what it is. Sometimes I just feel like all the energy has been sucked out of me, and I just can't bring myself to do it.

When I actually do get motivated, it happens at random and fizzles out just as fast as it started. Sometimes I make a list of goals for the week and I get something done right away, then avoid the rest. Or another thing I'm constantly guilty of is researching different submissions for stories or poetry, bookmarking the websites, and then never actually making a plan to write or submit anything. Usually by the time I go back and look at them, the deadlines have passed or are too close to try to start writing something new. 

I have been working on my goal of doing something writing related every single day for 3 months. I think having a reward at the end is helping to motivate me (I promised myself a giant Cheesecake Factory to go order after the 3 months, and it will take me that long to pick what I want because I've been on a diet for quite some time and I also used to work there so I have a lot of favorites). It really is easy to motivate myself with food (or a fancy Starbucks drink), but I can't constantly be doing that because I'm also trying to lose weight. 

When I get into a slump like this, it really is hard to motivate myself out of it. But I am at least doing *something* every day. Even if it's just a few edited lines. I just wish those random bursts of motivation would come more often. Or that I could think of a reward that isn't food....

Do you struggle with motivation? What do you do to reward yourself? 

Editing Can Be Fun?

I can't believe I'm actually about to say this, but...I'm enjoying editing. 

*GASP*

Ok, ok, I know it sounds crazy. But there are two sides to editing. One is the grueling, staring at the screen, wincing at terrible sentences, have no idea how to fix anything side. The other side, the fun side, is when you DO figure things out, and things start to fall into place. And that feeling is amazing! 

I've certainly been on both sides while doing my "was" search. There have been plenty of spots in the manuscript where I just have to leave a note and say, I'll fix this later. But I think the more I get into it, the easier it is to figure out how to fix things. It's also easier to look at a particular paragraph or sentence and say to myself, you can fix this right now. Just take a second, don't just pass it by, and figure it out. 

For the most part during my was search, I've just been skimming, reading the sentences that actually have "was" in there. But when I hit Chapter 18, I started reading every part. Well, 18 is definitely my favorite chapter in the book, so I really couldn't help myself. I would fix the "was" moments along the way, but I was reading every word, getting sucked into the story. 

Seriously, whenever I am doubting this story and want nothing to do with it, just tell me to read Chapter 18. It always gets me back into it. 

When I got to the very end of the chapter, part of it just wasn't sitting right with me. It's a moment that's filled with a lot of emotion, and Jordan has just been hit with something that doesn't make any sense to him, but part of this moment didn't make any sense to me. I felt like I was forcing an idea and all of the parts around it didn't help to explain it. This idea *could* work, and I really liked the particular sentence that contained it (it also leads in to some stuff in the next chapter), but I need to fix things.

So, I got to editing. I cut some pointless dialogue, moved a sentence I really wanted to keep to a different spot. I added in a few sentences to make sense of what's going on in Jordan's mind, even if it's unclear to him. He's spitting out ideas because he doesn't know what's true anymore. I think it's ok for him to not know, but I had to make what he was thinking and saying at least make sense. Going back and forth between these ideas helped reach the conclusion that the originally out of place sentence came to. I liked this scene already, but these little changes really tightened it up.

It was just a few paragraphs, but I got to keep all of the best parts, cut the useless parts, and fix anything that seemed confusing. Usually you know when something isn't working, but when you actually figure out how to fix it, it's a very accomplished feeling. I just hope I can keep figuring out the rest of the book!

A Sea of "Was"

I said last week that I needed to get better at blogging. And what's the first step? Write a blog post! I also have to read more blog posts. I feel bad because I didn't visit a single blog for IWSG last week. I was just really exhausted and every time I tried, I could just not get my brain to focus enough to read any posts or come up with a comment. But it's a new week! So...baby steps! 

I'm still not actually writing, but I am EDITING! I have a love/hate relationship with editing. I hate doing it, but I love the results. It just feels so good to figure something out, or to rewrite a sentence to make it better. But getting there isn't always easy.

My big project right now is doing a search through all of the chapters of Uneven Lines for "WAS." Using forms of "to be" can often mean weak writing, so I'm trying to get rid of as many as I can. But here's the thing...there are a lot! I actually didn't even look at the number when I started (damn!) but here's a pretty typical looking page in my manuscript: 

YIKES.

I felt very sluggish when I started my first sweep. I didn't even want to look at my writing. I guess part of that is because I hate the first few pages and want to completely rewrite them anyway. But it did take me a while to actually get into the swing of editing. I would just stare at every single "was" and have no idea how to fix it. Sure, there were easy ones...something like "I was feeling," just change to "I felt." Easy peasy. But they're not all like that. 

A lot of these "was" instances just show me that the sentence could be rewritten to be more showing than telling. For instance, there's a whole paragraph in Chapter 4 where Jordan is describing a cupcake he's eating. One sentence that popped up in my search was, "There was a tang mixed in with the sweetness that I couldn’t quite figure out." I know this sentence could be better. In fact, I never liked it, but I couldn't really figure out WHY until I did my search. I realized it was a very telling sentence. I think "tang" is a good word for showing (maybe, I'll probably change that, too...), but the rest of the sentence is garbage. 

So all I'm doing right now is going through each "was," page by page, fixing the ones where the solution comes to me right away, but not getting stuck staring at each one and feeling lost in a sea of "was." I think I'll do several sweeps before I consider this task done. If I can't figure one out, I move on to the next. It will certainly still be there when I do my next Ctrl+F. 

When Controversy Strikes

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

I almost forgot to write this post! Luckily, I looked in my planner last night and saw that today was IWSG Day! I really need to get better at blogging. And writing. But I am trying! One of my three month goals is to work on *something* writing related every single day, even if it's a tiny thing. I did already screw up and forgot to do something on Monday...oops. I was sleep deprived, ok? (It was the cat's fault!) I'm gonna do some extra work on one day to make up for it. 

Anyhoo, this month's optional question is: Are you a risk-taker when writing? Do you try something radically different in style/POV/etc. or add controversial topics to your work?

Let's see...my main WIP is about a relationship between a 15-year-old and a 28-year-old, so....YES. I wouldn't say I seek out controversial ideas. Most ideas I've had have just kind of hit me out of nowhere. And it's definitely tricky to do. You don't even want to know how many times I've told myself that no one is going to read my book. One of the many things that has held me back over the years, but I do keep going. Slowly. I do think the time has helped me understand the story better though, and where it was when I first started would not have been good. It was more of a forbidden romance at first, but with a lot of time and work, it's become a lot more complicated, in a way that I hope will make someone want to read it. 

When I started writing it, Jordan was definitely a unique choice of narrator for me as well. I'd pretty much only written female main characters before him. I feel like when it comes to writing, I'll try anything once. If an idea I like strikes me, then I run with it.

I think I'll cut this short since, you know...almost forgot to write the thing...I'll leave you with a picture of the cupcakes I made for Easter! I tried a tricolor frosting technique for the first time and I think it came out pretty good!