**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance.**
Ok, people, we're gonna do things a little differently today, so everybody be quiet and pay attention! Because my life apparently isn't crazy enough, I'm here to offer tips to the beginner or wannabe muse. Or for you writers out there, a more in depth look of what exactly is going on with your most favorite (just try and call us) imaginary friends. So! Where are my pupils??
*Adam waves frantically*
Just one??? Oh, by the way, I'm training Adam as my backup for when Sarah's being annoying and I want a nap. She's not going to like it, but, uh, tough something or other.
Adam: We've got a student/teacher thing going on here.
Been there, done that. Ok, one student. *sigh* Fine. First lesson! Let's talk about the ABNs of musing.
Adam: Don't you mean ABCs?
First of all, how about raising a hand when you have a question, Mr. uhhh...do you have a last name yet?
Of course not. Mr. Perfect Hair. Anyway, no! The ABNs. Always Be Napping. This is crucial. A muse needs his beauty sleep. Or, you know, hers, because I guess most muses are girls but we're working for a psycho over here. Either way, beauty sleep! How can you be providing your best inspiration if you're tired and groggy? I'd say at least 22 hours a day. Are you writing this down?
Adam:....You never said to take notes....
Moving on! The next lesson is about spontaneity. If your writer is getting all their stuff together, finishing her coffee, booting up the laptop, getting the pencils and paper lined up, is that the perfect time to provide inspiration?
Adam: Well, I would think s--
WRONG! Of course not! You can't just give ideas when they're expecting them! Where's the fun in that? Where's the passion? We're not freaking robots over here! It's best to be completely random when providing inspiration. Whenever you feel like it, really, but never when they're expecting it. Now, when are the best times to provide inspiration?
Adam: Oh, wait, I know this! Uh...when she's falling asleep or when she's in the shower.
CORRECT. You've been paying attention!
Adam: ...Why are those the best times, exactly?
That's just the way it is. We don't ask questions about it. Lesson number three: withholding stuff. We can't just give it all away. That would make us sluts, now wouldn't it?
I mean with muse stuff! Get your mind out of the gutter. Save that for after class. Anyway, you always want to make your writer work for their inspiration and information. It shouldn't always be easy. Got a piece of information that she needs? Don't tell her! Make her think about it for months, maybe even years before you finally give it up. Like our band's name, for example.
Adam: Oh, you mean--
Shhhhhhhhh! Spoilers! We're not there yet!
Finally, lesson number four: something a bit unexpected. The complete and total onslaught of inspiration. This can be fun but also very exhausting. (Just remember lesson one!) When you're feeling up to providing a decent amount of inspiration, just go for the extreme. Hit them with everything you've got. Don't let them sleep or eat or do anything except write. Make it physically painful for them not to be writing. Every single thought and every single second should be about the story. Basically it's a giant torture session but with a really good payoff.
Thus concludes our first class. What have we learned?
Adam: Uh...I think being a muse is basically just being a jerk.
Yeah, pretty much. Until next class! If there is a next class. If I remember. If I'm awake.