Oh, you thought I was going to tell you how to handle your fear? No, no, I have no idea how to do that. It’s too scary. This is more of an outpouring of my fears.
Everyone’s afraid of stuff. Like spiders (what the hell do they need all those legs for?). But as a writer and blogger, I’m afraid of lots of things. It’s not the obvious things, either. Like rejection. No, I expect that. I’m not afraid of it. I think I’m afraid of actually succeeding. I’m afraid of things changing. I let my anxiety get the better of me.
I’m afraid of my own drive. That it’s too much for me to handle. That I couldn’t possibly have all my ridiculous dreams and fantasies come true without curling up into a ball and hiding from them. I’m way too much of an introvert, and yet I fantasize about book signings and writing plays and movies and winning awards and giving speeches. How is that ever going to work?
I’m afraid that even I don’t understand this pull I have to write gay fiction. I’m afraid that I’m encroaching on a culture that I have no right to be a part of. That people are going to hate me for this story. That I have absolutely no idea how to make a difference, to show that this is something I really care about besides making up stories. How is that enough?
I’m afraid to share my obsessions. My quirks. My favorite music, books, TV shows. The random celebrities I love. What turns me on. All the little things that make me who I am. I don’t know why. I guess the obvious answer is the fear of being judged. Like I’m afraid about you getting to know me because you won’t understand the way I am.
And yes, I’m afraid of people reading my book. I’m afraid to even tell people what it’s about (I’m working on that synopsis, I swear). That doesn’t mean that I still don’t want them to read it. God, do I want them to. I’ve never had such passion for a story in my life. I just don’t understand that passion.
I'm also afraid I'll never finish this NaNo book. But if you're interested, I put up a quick little excerpt on my page on the NaNo site. Also, I just really want to share my favorite line of dialogue so far, spoken by Benny, the human love interest to my vampire protagonist: "It's like I'm living the gay version of Twilight...which, ironically, still isn't as gay as Twilight..."
Oh, and my tickets came yesterday! I was going to take a picture of them for you but then I was afraid that would be too silly. Plus, see above for the part about obsessions. Now I just have to plan the whole rest of the trip! No pressure, right? I’ll get around to it...
What things are you afraid of? Heights? Clowns? Or ten thousand rejection letters?