IWSG and Keep Writing with Fey Blog Hop

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

What am I insecure about this month? Well, I've just recently (like the past two days) been getting back into working on my flat character arc for Jordan, and it's led me to the conclusion that the third act of my book is WAY too long. I know I'm going to have to cut some things, and I do have a few ideas that immediately jump out at me, but I know it's still going to be a grueling process. But I'll just take it one step at a time. 

Today is also the day for the Keep Writing with Fey Blog Hop to celebrate the release of Chrys Fey's new book! We're supposed to share a story about writer's block, depression, and/or burnout, and how we overcame it or what we are currently doing to heal. 

If I'm being totally honest, I think I'm experiencing some form of writer's block or burnout right now. I've kind of had to force myself to do anything writing related. None of my ideas have excited me lately. I've just had no desire to write. 

It's tough because I've been working on one book for so long and it's taken so much to figure things out, and I'm still not done (see above!). Plus I constantly think about how when I actually DO finish this book, no one will want to read it. I don't think an agent or publisher would touch it with a ten foot pole. So why do I keep going? Maybe because I've come this far, I can't just give up. I have to see it through to the end, no matter what that end may be. 

My strategy with pretty much everything, like I said above, is to take it one step at a time. If you try to pile on too much or think too far ahead, it can get overwhelming. I just like to focus on one thing at a time. Right now, it's to make myself work on something writing related every day. This can be working on my character arc, brainstorming, or editing. If I don't want to actually write, it's ok. I just want to be able to say I did SOMETHING. 

Catch the sparks you need to conquer writer’s block, depression, and burnout!

 

When Chrys Fey shared her story about depression and burnout, it struck a chord with other writers. That put into perspective for her how desperate writers are to hear they aren’t alone. Many creative types experience these challenges, battling to recover. Let Keep Writing with Fey: Sparks to Defeat Writer's Block, Depression, and Burnout guide you through:

 

·        Writer's block

·        Depression

·        Writer's burnout

·        What a writer doesn’t need to succeed

·        Finding creativity boosts

 

With these sparks, you can begin your journey of rediscovering your creativity and get back to what you love - writing.

 

 

BOOK LINKS:

 

Amazon / Nook / iTunes / Kobo / Goodreads

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Chrys Fey is the author of Write with Fey: 10 Sparks to Guide You from Idea to Publication. She is also the author of the Disaster Crimes series. Visit her blog, Write with Fey, for more tips on how to reverse writer’s burnout. https://www.chrysfey.com/

Falling Flat

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

I mentioned in my last post that I was having some health issues, but I got everything checked out and it's all good. Not really sure what was causing my head pain but it seems to have gotten better on its own. I have a few theories, including having to wear a mask for eight hours in a hot kitchen or maybe my hair is just too long. But I digress...

Getting back in to writing is still pretty difficult. I was doing a lot of editing just to be doing SOMETHING. Mostly getting rid of unnecessary and overused words. I know a big project is to rewrite Chapter 27, so I'll probably get to that soon. But the ending of the book still doesn't feel quite right. 

I've been trying to figure out character arcs. As I've learned more about them (thanks to a book we read for the IWSG book club!) I've felt that UL has more of a flat arc. I say "more of" because, well...it still doesn't feel quite right. Maybe that's part of my problem? But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

One of the main aspects of the flat arc is that the main character doesn't change, but changes the world and other people around him. This is where I think UL fits in the most (with some exceptions, but more on that in a bit). By the end of the book, Jordan is pretty much in the same spot he was in the beginning. The last line of the book really hammers that home. 

The only exception would be one of the subplots, which definitely has its own arc, and this one's positive. I guess the discord is partly coming from the idea that in the subplot, Jordan does go through changes and ends up in a better spot than the beginning of the book. I think this can still work even with a flat arc in the main plot. He's changed in some ways, ways he actually always knew he needed to change. But in some ways, he hasn't changed at all. 

I guess where I'm struggling is the idea of a character's "truth." In a flat arc, the main character already believes a truth and uses that to overcome the world's lie. My problem here is that all I can really come up with is that Jordan's truth is, "I can get whatever I want if I try hard enough/manipulate people in just the right way." The "lie" would be something like, "society has rules that need to be followed." Which isn't really a "lie," right? Or maybe in the context of this book, it is, because Jordan knows he can get around rules to get what he wants. He's a bit of an antihero, so his truth isn't going to be some righteous quest that's going to change the world, after all. 

Am I answering my own questions? Maybe I just want someone else to tell me that this actually does work. I'm going to try to map it out, either way, and see if that sparks any ideas or changes. 

Real Life Gets in the Way

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

This month's optional question is: Writers have secrets! What are one or two of yours, something readers would never know from your work?

I don't *think* I have any real secrets. If they were reading Jordan's book, they may be surprised that I am literally his polar opposite. No idea how that guy came out of a shy nervous wreck's brain. Actually, I think this works more in reverse. If a lot of the people I know in real life read what I wrote, they wouldn't believe I wrote it. Plot, characters, genre, language--all of it. They never would have guessed this was what I was writing.

Well, I gotta be honest, I haven't been doing much writing lately. I really was on a roll for a while, mostly with editing UL (since I still haven't quite figured out those last two chapters...). But real life kinda slapped me in the face and I've got some health issues to deal with now. I started having pain in my head, right where I had a shunt put in when I was an infant. It's never hurt me my whole life so I knew something was wrong. And trying to get to a doctor right now is a PROCESS, let me tell you. The good news was that it got me to get a physical for the first time since I was a teenager (yeah, I'm one of those people who avoids the doctor until absolutely necessary). I have a virtual appointment with a neurosurgeon on Friday. I'm just really worried because I'm sure if something is wrong, I'll most likely need surgery. But one thing at a time, right?

I've just been really exhausted lately between being in pain and my anxiety going through the roof pretty much nonstop, plus still working at a hospital full time. So my writing hasn't even been on my mind. I kinda wish it was because I could use the distraction, but I just don't think my brain works that way. When I'm worried or dreading something, that's all I can think about.

This afternoon I'm getting together with some coworkers for some kind of social-distancing-around-the-pool-party, so that should be fun, at least. I may be late getting around to other blogs (unless your post is up at 4 AM EST because I try to read some before work like the psycho that I am). Hope everyone is doing well!

Just Keep Writing...or Editing...or Brainstorming...

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

Has it been a month already? March felt like it took six years but April took about three days. So which plague comes after the murder hornets? Don't remember that part in the Bible...

This month's optional question from the IWSG is: Do you have any rituals that you use when you need help getting into the ZONE? Care to share?

I've probably mentioned this before, but I've always been very in tune with my characters, and my routines to get into the WRITING ZONE, if you will, usually have to do with them. Listening to music has always been a way to get in the zone for me, but even moreso now because Jordan is a musician. I actually realized that lately I haven't been listening to music (since that happened mostly at the gym and the gym is closed), and my desire to write was pretty much zero. I started listening again and my urge to write has slowly been creeping back. The muse is fickle. 

Anyhoo, I've been trying really hard to at least WORK on writing, if not ACTUAL writing. I'll probably have to explain that. I've added to my daily checklist of goals to work on writing for at least a half hour. But this doesn't necessarily mean I have to be writing. It could be editing, making lists of things to eventually fix, brainstorming ideas in my journal. It just has to be writing related. So far I've been sticking to it every day. 

This past weekend I spent a lot of time writing in my journal. I really like taking a basic idea that I feel I haven't gotten quite right or needs more exploration and just letting my thoughts run free until I've figured it all out. I kid you not, I wrote NINE pages exploring the symbolism of Jordan's phone. You'd think, well, all teens have phones, right? Haha WRONG. It's actually symbolic of not only his secret keeping, but also the isolation he forces on himself.

Literally titled "phone stuff"

It's ok, you can tell me I'm insane. 

All this brainstorming has also read to some mini-revelations. Basically certain parts in the story where I think I can do better. Every time I think of something, I jot it down in a separate journal where I've basically laid out (or am in the process of laying out) all of my editing and rewriting goals. I've already got HUGE lists for rewriting Chapter 1 (because is a first chapter ever really finished?) and Chapter 27 (because it's a trash fire).

And maybe at some point I will actually write the last two chapters of the book. But I'm hoping that by getting all of this other stuff done, not only will I feel more accomplished, but maybe the ending will become clearer.

Keep Calm and Purell

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

Since I am pretty much a giant ball of stress, I will just skip to this month's optional question:

The IWSG’s focus is on our writers. Each month, from all over the globe, we are a united group sharing our insecurities, our troubles, and our pain. So, in this time when our world is in crisis with the covid-19 pandemic, our optional question this month is: how are things in your world?

Boy, oh boy! Did I mention that I was a giant stress ball? Well, I work in a hospital kitchen, and things are CRAZY right now, as you can imagine. While our overall patient count has dropped significantly (because no one is going to be there if they don't absolutely have to), and the days are really long and slow, there are also a TON of precautions in place and things seem to be changing every day. It's a lot to keep up with and my anxiety is probably at an all time high.

We are being very safe. We have to wear masks everywhere we go in the hospital (except in the kitchen, which is good because it's hot in there and those things already make it hard to breathe!), we don't have contact with a lot of patients who are under certain precautions, we can't even go in certain sections of the hospital. The newest change is that right when we get to work, we're asked if we have any of the coronavirus symptoms. They're not checking our temperatures yet (unless maybe you have the symptoms? I'm not sure because luckily I don't), but I'm sure that will be next. My hands are also very raw from all the Purell and hand washing.

Besides the added stress level at work, though, honestly, things don't feel that different. Probably because I'm a hermit who never leaves my apartment anyway, and I also still have to go to work every day. I'm definitely grateful to still have a job.

How's the writing going? you might ask. Yeah, that's not happening right now (kind of like my diet...). I pretty much just want to decompress and watch Netflix (got one episode left of Tiger King!). Since my schedule hasn't changed at all, and my stress level is high, I don't see any writing happening in the near future unless I'm really struck by an idea.

I am still trying to actively think about Chapter 28. So you never know...

Multiple Projects, Multiple Options

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up! This month's awesome co-hosts are Jacqui Murray, Lisa Buie-Collard, Natalie Aguirre, and Shannon Lawrence! Wait a second! I missed one...hold on...need my glasses...Sarah Foster? Never heard of her...

Hi! Welcome! If you've never been here before...sorry, I'm weird. 

This month's optional question is: Other than the obvious holiday traditions, have you ever included any personal or family traditions/customs in your stories? 

Not really. I've definitely never inserted any of my own traditions or customs into my stories. The closest thing I can think of is in Uneven Lines, it's kind of a periodic ritual for Jordan and his mom to eat ice cream together. It's something that happened a lot more when he was little, but as he gets older and their relationship gets more strained, it happens less often (and not until Chapter 14!). But I think it helps to show they can have their moments of a normal mother/son relationship. 

Now I want some ice cream...

I'm a little scatterbrained lately. Kind of all over the place. I keep jumping from one story idea to another, letting my thoughts (and fingers, when I actually sit down to write) fly free. And you know what? I kinda like it. 

Ok, so I KNOW my main focus should be Chapter 28 of Uneven Lines. I'm so so close to finishing that third draft. However, it's probably the most difficult chapter to write, for more reasons than I can count. And the words are not coming easily to me. I'm chipping away at it very slowly, but at least at this point it is no longer a blank page with nothing but "Twenty-Eight" at the top. 

But I also have other projects I want to work on. There's my NaNo win from last November, Sexy Fluff #1 (I'll come up with a title eventually...), then there's the exciting, action packed, although not quite as sexy but I'm still calling it Sexy Fluff #2 (see above), and how could I forget Shiny New Story (what's a title?)?? Although it isn't really shiny OR new at this point. 

The thing is, I want to write all of these books, too. And I figure, if I can't make the words happen with UL, it's better to be writing SOMETHING than nothing at all. So I've been doing a bit of story hopping lately, just trying to get my ideas down whenever they strike me. I completed an unfinished chapter in SF#1, outlined SF#2, and lately a lot has been coming to me with SNS, so I've been writing that for the past few days. I've been keeping track of my word counts in my fancy planner, really just trying to up the word counts for everything every week, even if it's just a little bit. 

Look, it even worked the first week! 

Did it work the next week? Well...sort of...two of them went up...but one was UL! So yay! 

I think I just like having the options. If I'm stuck on one story, I can work on a different one. If a particular scene pops into my head, it's ok to write it, no matter what story it is. Also having some first draft freedom with my other stories is nice since UL is in its third draft and I want everything to be PERFECT. It's nice to change to something with less pressure. 

In the end, aren't some words better than no words? 

Do you work on multiple stories at once? What's your favorite flavor of ice cream? 

Help! I've Been Abducted by Aliens Blog Hop

To celebrate the book birthday for Abducted Life, Patricia Josephine has put together a blog hop! Everyone participating has written a story about an alien abduction. The only thing more unbelievable than an alien abduction is me writing a short story! Check it out!

(The only title I could think of was "Alienfish" but then I thought that was really stupid...)

***

        “Megan, wait up!”
Erica pulled herself off the ground, prying her foot away from the tree root that tripped her. She brushed her palms against her jeans and looked up, but her best friend was several yards ahead, walking into the open field. Nothing could slow her down.
“This is completely insane,” Erica muttered, then walked faster to catch up.
Erica had no desire to be in the middle of the woods, especially after dark, but she wasn’t about to let Megan go by herself. Pretty much everything about this scenario screamed serial killer.
“Still don’t know why you’re meeting this guy in the middle of nowhere. We’re both about to be murdered, you know.”
Megan paused and slowly turned to face her friend. The moonlight illuminated her calm face. “I didn’t need you to come.”
Erica rolled her eyes. “Unlikely.”
  It had been nearly six months since Megan began talking to “Kyle,” or whatever his name really was. She’d met him online, and spent countless hours talking to him every day. She was obsessed. Erica indulged her little fantasy life for a bit, but she tried to talk some sense into Megan every chance she got. Now that Kyle finally wanted to meet, there was no way she was letting Megan go alone.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this. You’ve never even talked to this guy on the phone, let alone video chat, and that one picture he sent you…clearly a fake.”
“Don’t you get it?” Megan said, a faint smile pulling up her lips. “It doesn’t matter what he looks like. It doesn’t matter what his name is. This is bigger than all that.”
“What are you talking about?”
Megan shook her head and looked up at the sky, the smile never leaving her face.
Erica folded her arms across her chest. “I really should have written in to Catfish. We could be on TV right now instead of you know, dying.”
Megan didn’t respond. She smoothed out her skirt and ran her fingers through her hair, then closed her eyes and let out a slow, deep breath. “It’s almost time.”
Erica glanced at her phone. Almost nine o’clock. Crazy time. She wished she had been able to get her hands on a weapon, or at least some pepper spray, but everything happened so fast once Kyle decided to meet. She was surprised Megan even took the time to tell her. But they’d been best friends since they were little. They told each other everything.
“Erica,” Megan said. “I love you. I hope someday you’ll understand.”
Before Erica could respond, a blinding beam of light appeared out of nowhere, so bright and strong it knocked her to the ground. She lifted her arm above her eyes, shielding herself while trying to see what was happening. All she could see was the bright, stark white light. It pulsed with an energy that shook the ground beneath her feet. She slowly pulled herself off the ground, squinting her eyes until she saw Megan, standing right in the middle of the light, looking up into the source of the beam, a wide smile on her lips.
Everything went black. The light vanished as quickly as it had appeared, leaving Erica blind in the darkness, gasping for breath. She fumbled with her phone until she turned on the flashlight, then scanned it across the field.
“Megan!” she screamed, seeing absolutely nothing. Just a wide field of grass and the trees surrounding her.
Megan was gone.

***

Savannah Janowitz’s perfect life was destroyed the night she and her boyfriend vanished without a trace. A year later she reappears—alone. With no memory of what happened and strange, new abilities manifesting, Savannah struggles to rebuild her life.

Evan Sullivan never gave aliens much thought until the night he and Savannah were abducted. Now, changed by the horrifying experiments that made him less than human, Evan hides in the shadows and watches Savannah rebuild her life without him.

But neither can let the other go. Reunited, Savannah and Evan finally see a glimmer of their old lives return. As they face what happened to them together, they realize aliens aren’t the only danger out there.

Someone closer to home is watching, waiting for the right moment to tear them apart.

Amazon | Smashwords | iTunes | Kobo | B&N

About the Author 

Patricia Josephine is a writer of Urban Fantasy and Sci-Fi Romance books. She actually never set out to become a writer, and in fact, she was more interested in art and band in high school and college. Her dreams were of becoming an artist like Picasso. On a whim, she wrote down a story bouncing in her head for fun. That was the start of her writing journey, and she hasn't regretted a moment. When she's not writing, she's watching Doctor Who or reading about serial killers. She's an avid knitter. One can never have too much yarn. She writes Young Adult Paranormal, Science Fiction, and Fantasy under the name Patricia Lynne.

Patricia lives with her husband in Michigan, hopes one day to have what will resemble a small petting zoo, and has a fondness for dying her hair the colors of the rainbow. 

Website | Patreon | Twitter | Facebook | Instagram | Newsletter | Goodreads | Amazon | Smashwords

Not Feeling It

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

Well, another IWSG post and I am definitely feeling insecure. I'm in such a rut when it comes to writing. Probably because I'm not writing. At all. Usually that would be enough to depress me, but I don't even feel that pull to write. I haven't even been thinking about my stories all that much. I'm just not feeling any of it.

I'm not sure what happened. Maybe it was a lot of things. Maybe I burned myself out doing NaNo because after winning on November 30, I haven't written a single word of Sexy Fluff #1. I've barely even looked at it. I knew I needed a bit of a break after writing so much every single day, but I haven't written more than a sentence or two of anything since then.

For a little bit, I thought I was at least on the right track with Uneven Lines. If I wasn't actually working on Chapter 28, at least I was thinking about it. Now the thoughts have seemed to fizzle out as well. I don't really think about it at all. I just feel like all my motivation and inspiration has vanished.

I know a big part of it is that my day job leaves me physically drained (and sometimes emotionally). All I want to do when I get home is relax and not think. Then I'm also actively trying to lose weight, which means time spent at the gym (and more exhaustion) plus a lot of grocery shopping and meal planning. Then I'm trying to do other daily tasks like cleaning and reading. Writing is usually the last thing on my mind, but it seems the longer I go without doing it, the worse I feel.

I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to pull myself out of this rut. I don't know how to make time for writing because even when there is time, I just don't want to do it. There aren't any ideas in my head to put down on paper. I could barely come up with an idea for this blog post.

I don't even know how to end this blog post! Well, as my hubby would say, "Now that I've brought the room down..."

One Line at a Time

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I finally finished my read through of Uneven Lines (all 27 chapters so far), in order to get a feel for the story again and think about what needs to happen in the next chapter. The bad news is that I wanted to finish this two weeks ago.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am already falling behind on my goals for the year. Is anyone surprised? I suppose I should look on the bright side that at least I did eventually finish my first goal, right? But my plan of having Chapter 28 written by the end of January is definitely not going to happen.

I thought the end would be more clear to me. I mean, I know what needs to happen. I've known since I wrote the short story version almost nine years ago. But it has to work with everything that has happened before it. It has to be the right ending to this new version I've created.

Maybe my read through didn't go quite how I thought it would, and not just because it took longer than I'd planned. I was also editing as I went, which I really shouldn't have been doing (I blame reading On Writing by Stephen King at the same time...had to kill those adverbs...). I plan on editing once the whole third draft is done. I was really just supposed to be reading it for enjoyment. I did enjoy it somewhat. I liked reading the earlier chapters that I haven't looked at in a while, and the newer chapters that I don't have memorized yet. But I wasn't really reading. I was working.

But I digress! The next step is to do some journal writing to help me figure out the ending. I've made a list of topics I want to dive into in order to make sure I'll address everything I need to in the last two chapters. I'm hoping to write at least one journal entry a day this week, and then maybe I can actually start writing.

In the meantime, I'm just letting the ideas come to me. I try thinking about the next chapter as often as I can. I listen to songs that make me think about it while I'm on the treadmill. I fall asleep thinking about it. I wake up thinking about it. And every so often, I'm struck with a line. It's usually dialogue, but sometimes it's narration. But no matter what it is, I grab my phone and I write it in a note. I know I probably won't use them all, but I have to consider everything in order to get this chapter right.

So for now, I'm collecting lines. I feel like eventually I'm going to be stitching them into some kind of franken-chapter. But that just might be ok. I'm not sure if this chapter will ever hit me all at once. It's going to be one step at a time, maybe one line at a time. As long as it works out in the end, it doesn't really matter.

I Didn't Ask for This Epiphany

Sometimes you get hit with an epiphany about a story. Sometimes it feels amazing, like everything is falling into place. That one chapter, that one scene that you couldn't quite figure out is suddenly crystal clear in your mind. But sometimes there's another side to these epiphanies. While you just know in your gut it's the right thing to do for the story, it also means a whole lot more work to do. Sometimes that doesn't feel so amazing.

So, yes, I was very recently struck with such an epiphany. And instead of the usual, "OMG finally!" my reaction was more like, "do I have to??" Mostly because I knew that yes, I did, if I wanted this particular moment to work. And if I could snap my fingers and have it all fall into place, I would be thrilled (can I do that for the whole book, actually?). But I have to go back and rewrite. Again. And I'm not exactly looking forward to it.

I was on the treadmill, of all places, listening to a song that I've always associated with a minor character in UL, Eric. But I started to feel like the song didn't quite fit him anymore. And then I suddenly realized why. There's a moment in Chapter 27 where he stands up to a long time friend, Brian, who hasn't always been the nicest guy. He finally stops being timid and shy and stands up not only for Jordan (who Brian is also trying to hurt in this moment), but for himself. Brian's been keeping Eric down for years and it takes seeing what he does to Jordan for him to finally say, "enough."

Here's where I went wrong. I didn't actually show the moment where Eric stands up to Brian. Another character tells the story to Jordan briefly, and he talks about it with Eric for about the length of two sentences. STUPID, I know. I was rushing through the chapter. It was difficult and I just wanted it done. And it was done. Until now. Now I have to go back and change a huge chunk of it. And while I know it's what the story needs, I just don't want to. I want to be able to still say that it's done. Alas, I cannot.

I know I need to show Eric standing up to Brian. And I know Jordan needs to have a final moment/confrontation with Brian as well. I even think this moment will help lead to the conclusion of the main plot. So in the end, it should help EVERYTHING. So why am I not happy??

It could be because adding this will make Chapter 27 waaaaaaaaaaaay too long. I'm going to have to split it into two chapters, but then that will probably throw off my total chapter length. I wanted it to be 29, and now it's probably going to be 30.

Or maybe it's because I just want everything DONE. But you can't really call it done if it isn't where it needs to be. Sometimes I think I'll be working on this story forever, that it will never feel quite right. But I guess every little epiphany will eventually lead to that moment where I can say, yes, it's done, I'm done, it's perfect.

One can dream.

New Year, New Plan(ner)

It's the first second Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

It's a new year so that means it's time to start anew and try to kick my butt into gear on getting all the things done that I didn't get done last year. Sounds like a broken record, right? I feel like I get a fresh start every new year and then all that motivation just fizzles out to nothing. Well, this time, I have a plan. No, wait, I have a planner! Is there a difference? Sort of...

One of the Christmas presents I was most looking forward to (not that I just send my husband my Amazon wishlist or anything...) was a fancy planner for 2020. I really want to crack down and get organized with all of the writing and non-writing (*cough* lose weight *cough*) goals that I always have but never seem to accomplish. Well, when I finally got my hands on said planner, I loved it! It's super fancy, with monthly and weekly breakdowns, daily checklists, places to reflect, and STICKERS. I've barely begun to use it and I'm already excited. 

So how will this help me? Well, it's really easy to make BIG goals. Like, finish my novel. Lose 60 pounds. What I like about this planner is that not only do you make those big, year-long goals, but then you break it down. It has sections for 3-month goals, then monthly goals, and even weekly goals. I'm a person who likes to take things one step at a time. I can get overwhelmed real easily and that just leads to me watching a lot of TV and eating a lot of junk food. But if I can break everything down into smaller goals, then it doesn't seem as daunting. 

For example, one of my big goals is to finish Uneven Lines. So, for the yearly goal, I wrote that I want to finish the third draft and get it published, or in the process of being published (because that could take awhile). Then for my 3-month goal, I put just to finish the third draft. For January in particular, my goal is to write Chapter 28. But since even that is a huge task, my goal for this week is to actually just read through the entire draft so far. Not only to refresh myself (spent all of November doing NaNo and December doing nothing), but to get a feel of what really needs to happen in this chapter. I'm sure I'll edit a bit as I go, but this particular task doesn't seem difficult at all. It could actually be fun. 

You're supposed to reward yourself for accomplishing goals, but I can't think of any rewards that aren't food...

Then next week, my plan is to start journaling some ideas (something I've been doing with the last third of the book as I completely gutted the last draft), and then hopefully but the next week, that will lead to some writing. And hopefully at that point I'll find the writing easier. It won't be something that seems so difficult that I'll just avoid it entirely. And then maybe I can actually get it done. 

I like the way this planner breaks everything down so I don't have to figure it out all at once. I'm sure my goals will change and adapt as the year continues. I don't need to figure out my goals for later in the year right now. I can literally just focus on this week, with just a hint of an idea of what will be next.

Do you use planners? Do you break down goals into smaller ones?

Better Late than Never

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up! 

HEY! SO! I wouldn't necessarily say I forgot to write my post for today. It's more like, I forgot that it was the first Wednesday of the month. In my defense, I have been very busy lately. Between NaNo and Thanksgiving and thinking about Christmas, and working full time, and my sister-in-law is getting married this Saturday, and I had to go to the dentist...I've been a little preoccupied. I didn't even blog at all last month besides my IWSG post because I was too busy with NaNo. 

But when I was browsing Facebook on my lunch break at work and I saw the IWSG's post for today, well...I may have lost it for a second. But I'm writing it now! 

I guess that's the thing I'm most insecure about right now. Because I am in no way insecure about my NaNo project! Because...that's right...

I WON!!! I actually wrote 50,000 words in the month of November. Sexy Fluff #1 is going well, although it's definitely not done yet. But 50k!!! I still can't believe I actually did it. It was actually a really nice break to not only work on something different, but something that was a lot lighter than my usual stuff AND had that first draft freedom. If the words sucked, I didn't care! I just kept going. 

So I guess the big question is...now what? I still have to finish SF#1, but I really should bring my focus back to UL. I've only got two chapter rewrites to go and it'll be done! Of course, one of those chapters will be particularly difficult, but I'm hoping working on SF will in some way help? By just shaking things up and by also writing a few perfectly normal sex scenes will at least help get the jitters out for the one I have to write for UL. We'll see when I actually try. I've been too busy to write the past few days! But I loved writing every day during NaNo. I'd really like to stick with that. 

I think my main focus should be on finishing UL, and maybe one day a week working on Sexy Fluff. But what will probably end up happening is that I'll just go wherever the inspiration takes me. 

The Thing I Said I Wouldn't Do...

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

Before I get to my nonsense, I think I'll start with this month's optional question, which is: 

What's the strangest thing you've ever googled in researching a story?

I feel like I've researched a lot of questionable things for different stories. I think I've mentioned before how I know way too much about age of consent laws, so that's definitely up there. Recently, I started some research for a story that included googling "can you break someone's hand by squeezing it" and "is strangling someone considered attempted murder?" (Turns out it's not, BTW, and the way I picture it happening in the story will only be a misdemeanor, which surprised me).  I've also got a new story idea that I know will require lots of things that will probably get me on some watch list, including bombs/explosions, computer hacking, bullet wounds, and methods of torture. Should be a fun time! 

So if you follow any of my Twitter or Instagram posts, this won't be a surprise, but remember my last blog post, where I said I came up with a new story idea? A sexy fluff idea? And I gave a very vague statement about not even considering doing NaNoWriMo for it? 

Well, PLOT TWIST! I changed my mind at the last minute, decided to write the damn thing for NaNo, and I'm already over 10,000 words in. I...don't know how this happened. Oh, right! Because I'm crazy. But! I am not insecure!

There is so much about writing this story that is so refreshing. First of all, it's a MUCH lighter story than what I'm used to writing (sexy fluff, after all). Plus, it's a first draft, so the usual pressure I put on myself to make everything perfect isn't there. If it sucks...who cares?? Just keep writing! Plus long rambling sentences and endless dialogue are welcome for NaNo since you want to get to those 50,000 words! 

And so far, I've been beating the daily word goal EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's so weird but I love it. Ok, I know I need to get back to UL and tackle Chapter 28 (the second to last chapter!) but I'm taking a break from it while I do NaNo. I thought of it this way: usually it takes me months to do a chapter rewrite. And I spend a lot of that time not doing any writing at all. So I figured, what will it hurt to take one month off, and also potentially write an entire novel in that time? 

I also got ANOTHER story idea, most likely for my potential pen name, from a dream of all places. Right now I'm calling it Sexy Fluff #2, although it involves a lot more action, whereas SF #1 is a pretty straightforward romance. I so don't need it right now because I have to finish UL of course, and then I'll have Sexy Fluff #1 to edit/rewrite once NaNo is over. It's a long line of ideas. I guess I'll just take them one at a time. 

A Very Good Bad Idea

So...I got this crazy idea...

It all started when I finished Chapter 27. [Holds for applause]. Yes, finally! But I'll talk about that more another time. Once I finished the chapter, I wanted to give myself a break by writing something fun and easy. Now, I don't know if it was because of the book I just finished reading, or knowing what I have to write for the next chapter (and I need some no pressure practice), or just because this idea was in my head, I decided to write some SEXY FLUFF.

You know sexy fluff, right? Just something that's like, cute lovey dovey with a moderate amount of sex and a dash of angst. I don't read a lot of romance novels, but the ones I typically read are like this. The thing I started writing actually happens between Books 2 & 3 in my series, and no one will ever read it besides me, so I could just do whatever I want with it.

But I realized something as I was writing. The words were flowing rather easily. Now, I wasn't trying very hard to make the words perfect like I usually do, but I was writing PAGES. And so fast! I was just staring at the screen wondering, what is this sorcery??

My story ideas are usually ridiculously complicated. UL has taken me over 8 years and I'm still not done. Even Shiny New Story, while a lot lighter than UL, is still pretty complicated. Since the fluff was coming along at such a rapid pace, I wondered, am I doing this all wrong? Should I just be writing sexy fluff all the time??

That's when the idea hit. What if I *did* try writing sexy fluff? It's not my usual style, but I could totally do it. And I would have fun doing it. I even thought, hey, what if I wrote my fluff under a pen name?? Then my super complicated novels could be under my real name. And since it was a Saturday night, I was home alone, and I'd had a few cocktails...naturally I started researching romance novel tropes and brainstorming my pen name.

Half of my brain was like, I AM SO DOING THIS, while the other half said, PUMP THE BRAKES, SISTER. But I could not shake off this idea of, what if I could bust out sexy fluff novel after sexy fluff novel and ACTUALLY MAKE MONEY DOING IT?? The only downside being, for the love of God and all that is holy, I really need to finish Uneven Lines. I can't be distracted by all the shiny.

But then I thought, what if I just spent one day a week working on fluff? Or, I could use it for those times I'm feeling blocked, or just feeling depressed because the writing isn't happening. Maybe the fluff could fuel my work on UL when it's stalled (as it typically is). I even came up with an idea for a book! (Eeek!) I liked the idea of enemies to lovers, so my brain just kept thinking and thinking and suddenly I've got a full fledged plot, about a couple of former high school rivals who then become work rivals years later which naturally leads to sexytimes. And now I can't stop thinking about it *facepalm*.

I know I shouldn't do this, but part of me thinks it's a good idea. If I can find the right balance between these projects, anyway, where I'm still devoting most of my time to UL. Part of me just wants to see how fast I could bust out a fluff novel (don't NaNo @ me).

So...will I do it? I don't know. I'll probably write this first fluff story at some point, at least. But like SNS, I'm putting it on a back burner. Or, more accurately, in a glass case labeled TO BE USED IN CASE OF WRITER'S BLOCK.

BTW, I decided for my pen name I would use initials. My middle name is Anne, but for some reason I didn't want to use S.A. So I thought of S.J. (I got that exactly where you think I got it). Then I started thinking about a fake last name. First I thought of S.J. Adams, which gave me a chuckle. But then I thought of S.J. Gray, which sounds totally fake but I also like. Feel free to vote or suggest something new! Or talk me out of it!!!

In the Pie of the Beholder

If you're like me (crazy), you like to sneak symbolism and themes and all that literary nonsense (that you swore writers never did on purpose when you read Lord of the Flies in sophomore year) into your books. You think it gives your story more depth, and gives the reader more to think about. Or you just worry your book would be a massive trash pile without it. Either way, is it possible to have too much symbolism? When is enough enough?

Ok, so A LOT of tiny little details in UL are totally planned. I've got symbolism, parallel lines, parallel characters. You name it, I probably have it. So when I come across something that doesn't have some sort of double meaning, I wonder if it should.

Chapter 1 ends with Jordan eating an entire pie in one sitting. I have no worries about the act itself, it really works, it has different layers and whatnot. The thing that keeps nagging at my brain is the type of pie. This is some serious literature here, right?? When the type of pie you wrote doesn't feel quite right...

Ok, so since the dawn of time, aka, when I started writing this book, the pie in question has ALWAYS been key lime. HOWEVER...I had absolutely no reason for making it a key lime pie. There is no double meaning, no symbolism. If I ever publish this book and someone asked me, "why key lime??" I wouldn't have an answer. So I wonder if I should have a more symbolic flavor of pie (words I didn't ever think I'd be saying).

I've thought of a few. There's cherry, which could totally have some sexual symbolism (I think...?). Plus red is a color I use symbolically throughout the book, so diving into a cherry pie and making a mess of it would seem more meaningful.

Then there's apple pie. My obvious thought is the whole apple/forbidden fruit idea, which would totally work in the book itself. But I also know I'm throwing in a lot of Garden of Eden themed symbols in Book 3, so this could also connect to that.

But then I also wonder...does it really matter? Should I just keep it key lime because that's what it's always been? Or because I already have enough symbolism in my book? Do I really need ANOTHER THING??? I also think eating a whole key lime pie in one sitting would be way more doable than an apple or cherry pie, but I also don't have a teenage boy's metabolism.

So what do you think? Does the pie really matter? Or am I overthinking this way too much? Or are you all just hungry now??

Let Crappy First Drafts Lie

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

Well, another month has passed and where am I on my third draft progress? Err...about the same place I was last month. Ok, ok, not exactly the same place! For my last IWSG post, I said I had written 3 pages for Chapter 27. So, good news...I currently just went onto page 11! So, obviously, words are happening. Just very slowly. And we will ignore my concerns that this chapter is turning out way too long and I'll probably have to split it but that will leave me with 30 chapters and I need them to be UNEVEN, hello??? *deep breath* Yes, ignoring that for now. 

I know one of the big reasons this chapter is taking forever is the fact that I don't often make myself just sit there and write it. Especially on a work day, I just kinda want to sit there watching TV and go to bed early. But another problem is that when I actually do sit down to write, I find it very difficult to actually get the words out. I know it's because I want those words to be perfect, and sometimes it's just hard to make it that way. Probably the worst thing I do is that I won't even write a sentence down until it's perfect in my head. So when perfection isn't happening, words aren't happening, either. 

But I think something kinda clicked. At one point while working on 27, I said to myself, "UGH. This feels so first drafty." Then I realized...well, it basically IS a first draft. While I'm working on the third draft of the novel as a whole, almost everything I've written past Chapter 19 has been brand spankin' new. Not rewritten, like everything before it, but completely new stuff that never even happened in the first two drafts. So the words I'm writing right now are essentially a first draft. And can you make a first draft perfect? HELL NO!

It's difficult to part with that idea of finishing this draft and basically having it ready to go, but I think if I keep clinging to it, I'll never even get to the end. I just have to put the words down and if they're kinda crappy, just let it be. I can always go back and fix it. I just have to look at everything before Chapter 19 to see how great things can turn out if you just keep working at it. But you can't fix what isn't there. And trying to make it perfect before it's written will just lead to a whole lot more waiting. 

So I'm plowing through this chapter. Even if I think some moments are illogical. If I think two characters should have gone deeper with a certain conversation but can't quite figure that out right now. If some moments were too drawn out, but others were rushed. I may not know how to fix certain things, but I'll at least know what needs to be fixed. And maybe some time and distance will make the figuring out much easier.

Think, Think, Think

Being a writer means you spend a lot of time thinking. That kind of goes without saying. The stories and all the words that go into them come straight from our brains. Sometimes you're lucky enough to have the ideas and words flow so fast and easily that it doesn't feel like you're thinking much at all. Other times, it's not so easy. Sometimes, you have to do a whole lot of thinking. 

That's pretty much where I am right now. Ok, I still haven't finished Chapter 27 yet, but I'm chipping away at it. The major thinking I need to do there is just find the right words. I already know every scene and event that needs to happen. But once I get done with this chapter, that's when things will get tricky. 

I'm in this weird predicament where I do know what needs to happen, but at the same time, I feel like I don't. I haven't quite figured out how to get my characters there to make it a satisfying ending. And I know I can't draw out the story any longer, either, because it will start to get boring and lose the momentum of the last few chapters. The end is so close, and yet still feels so far away. 

So what's my strategy to figure it all out? Think. A lot. 

Maybe thinking about something in order to figure it out is a bit obvious. But it feels like the only thing I can do. I want to spend as much time as possible just considering everything. I think one of my problems with the ending is that I have always pictured it the same way. For years. So I'm trying to get out of that corner, start going about it a different way. It helps that the events leading up to it are a lot different than previous drafts. I've already come up with a few little tweaks that I never would have even considered when writing the first draft, so I think it helps to keep an open mind. 

I just feel like the ending is missing something. Some type of punch-the-reader-in-the-face type moment. There is going to be a bit of a reveal because my MC has been hiding things even from the reader, but that part still doesn't feel like it's quite strong enough to me. There needs to be something else. Maybe he realizes something about himself that he never considered. Maybe both characters are finally confronted not only with the lies they tell each other, but the ones they tell themselves. 

I think I'm slowly getting there. I try to indulge every thought that crosses my mind, see where it takes me. Even if it doesn't work out, at least I've ruled something out, and who knows? Maybe a bad idea could trigger a good one. You never know what you could figure out if just let the thoughts flow.

Doing More Stuff

Do not attempt to adjust your screens! I am really writing a non-IWSG post! For the first time in...exactly a year! Yup, September 17 of last year was the last time I wrote a regular blog post. Not the same date, but the exact same Monday. That's actually just a weird coincidence, because this blog post wasn't even a thought in my head until yesterday afternoon. Well, because I've been doing a bit of thinking...

I realized I don't really do enough stuff. Writing, you say? Well, yes, but you already knew that. But, I mean, online stuff. Blogging and networking and such. I have my toes in the water but I feel like I've fizzled out. I used to blog three times a week! Well, I don't think I had a job when I did that. But like I said above, my only posts are for IWSG. But blogging isn't the only thing. So I'm trying to come up with some ideas to get me out there more, doing more stuff! And maybe the stuff will fuel the writing, and vice versa.

1. Blogging

Obviously! Or this post wouldn't exist. I'd really like to get back to posting something every Monday. I think I've stopped not only because of motivation, but because I don't feel like I have any good ideas to write about. But I want to start paying attention to any thought that pops in my head. If I think it'll make for a halfway decent post, I will write it immediately!

I also don't visit other blogs enough. Like writing my own posts, I only visit others on IWSG day. I usually feel out of the loop with other bloggers' news, blog tours, book releases, etc. I have no idea what's going on! And if I can hop on some blog tours, that covers writing my own posts, too! Two birds, one stone, people.

I could also possibly let Jordan write his monthly posts again?? That would be fun. I may change when they happen, since I found whenever the first Monday of the month was the same week as the first Wednesday (IWSG day), I got less traffic, which was disheartening. Maybe the last Monday of the month? There could be overlap there but I think it happens less often. I'll figure it out. Now I just have to wake up Jordan and convince him to do it...

2. Twitter/Instagram 

Twitter drives me nuts sometimes because I have about 2,800 followers but I feel like I get hardly any interactions. So I think two main things need to happen--I need to tweet more, especially writing related stuff, and I need to interact more with others' tweets. Hopefully if I just keep putting myself out there more, it'll start to come back.

Instagram is a little more tricky, because I feel like I don't have a lot of things to post. I can only post so many pictures of my cat, right? So maybe with this, I need to do some more research first about what other writers tend to post, and start figuring out what I can do. For now, I'll just continue with the cat.

Ok, I thought I had more major things but maybe that's it? Of course, those aren't the only things I want to accomplish...

Frightening tasks that I may or may not attempt in a more distant future:

- writing book reviews and posting them on Amazon and Goodreads
- trying to get some of my poetry published/write more poems
- try to write a short story or two (yeah right, they'll just turn into more novels)
- figure out the whole Goodreads Author thing. It looks tricky. Especially since I've only been published in anthologies.
- find more anthologies/contests to submit to
- set up an Amazon author page (I've been putting this off forever)
- updating my LinkedIn page and trying to get some actual writing jobs!!

Since blogging is one of my major goals, and this blog post is now DONE, I guess I'm off to a good start? But I should probably get back to actual writing now...

I'll Figure It Out Eventually

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

What am I insecure about this month? Well, probably the fact that I haven't been doing much writing. At all. For those of you keeping score at home, I'm still on Chapter 27. I don't know what is so difficult about it. It's not really difficult at all. I know exactly what needs to happen. I even made an outline for it! And I'm a die-hard pantser, so you can imagine how difficult that was for me. It's just, for some reason, actually sitting down and making myself write just isn't happening. 

I guess I can't be too hard on myself because I have *occasionally* gotten some words down. I've got 3 pages done on Chapter 27, which is something, at least, but I don't feel like I've gotten very far with it. I think it's going to be a very long chapter. I'll get through one chunk of it and then get stuck, and just stay stuck for days. 

I've been working on Shiny New Story a bit as well, which I swear will get a title someday, especially since it's not really new anymore, but is still very shiny. Sometimes I like to dive into that when I'm feeling blocked, to try and get the creative juices flowing a bit. It helps to work on something that's a first draft and I don't have to think so much about getting all the words perfect. I just wish it would lead me back to my main project. 

Something I'm not insecure about? The aha moments! One of my favorite things about writing is figuring things out. When you have a problem that you can't see your way out of and eventually it comes to you. I was working on Shiny's first chapter and I was trying to create this suspense between my two main characters, like you think they're just friends and there's a reveal where you realize they're actually a couple (which is probably silly because the blurb would totally give that away, but I digress...). My problem was that I was starting the chapter with the characters not seeing each other for a week. Wouldn't they immediately run into each other's arms and start smooching? That sort of killed my suspense. But since the scene took place on a farm, I had one character working on something, and figured out...his hands could be dirty! The character has to wash up first, which gives time for the two characters to talk before anything romantic happens. It was such a simple idea but I think it really made the scene work the way I wanted. 

I love those moments because it makes me think I'll always be able to figure things out eventually, no matter how impossible they may seem. I just would like that to be sooner rather than later when it comes to the rest of Uneven Lines. Please?? I'm talking to you, brain. 

Here's some really good news! I'm on vacation starting this Friday for a week and a half. Another vacation?? you're probably asking. Yeah, I took a lot of time off this year because I always have way too many hours accumulated by the end of the year. But anyway, that is lots and lots and lots of writing time! I'm hoping it'll be like my boot camp for Chapter 26 back in June, where I just spent all day every day (mostly) working on it. Maybe I could even...dare I say...finish the whole third draft? No way, right???

Full of Surprises

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

I'm on vacation from work so that means I can visit many many blogs today at a reasonable hour. It also means I'm going to actually try to get some writing done. I mean, yesterday was my lazy recovery day and today is blogging day, so...

I'm still working on Chapter 27. Actually, I haven't been working on it much at all. I don't know the exact reason. I just haven't felt like it. Maybe writing Chapter 26 took a lot out of me, but I think it's been way too long for that to still be an excuse. I guess I'm just having a motivation problem. I know everything that needs to happen in this chapter, so it's not like I have anything to figure out. I just have to actually make with the words.

Well, since I'm not at work this week, I can't use being tired as an excuse. Bring on the words!

Onto this month's optional question: Has your writing ever taken you by surprise? For example, a positive and belated response to a submission you'd forgotten about or an ending you never saw coming?

Uhh, literally everything? Seriously, go tell my teenage self about the story I'm writing. She'll think you're crazy, and she'll wonder where the vampires are.

Sometimes I'm surprised by random lines, like there's no way I could have come up with them on my own (because Jordan is writing the book, not me, duh). There's one in particular that always comes to mind, but it involves a bad word. Well, ok. I took "whatever floats your boat" but replaced "boat" with a male body part. One of the many lines that I didn't write. And yes, I know that makes it not rhyme anymore. It still works, trust me.

My biggest surprise is actually my entire idea for Book 3. It involves something that I swore would never happen. I'm so secretive about it, which I know is silly since I haven't even published Book 1, but I am keeping this concept locked up in my brain. I did tell my husband, but he probably forgot. When I first got the idea, I thought, wait, this wasn't supposed to happen. But the more I thought about it, the more I fell in love with the idea.

So if I ever finish this book, maybe someday I'll get to that surprise book idea.

Country Music, Chest Hair, & Cupcakes

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

Someone please tell me how it's July already! And how I'm still not done with this book! I am making progress, though. I finished Chapter 26! I had a staycation at the beginning of June and spent every single day (mostly) working on it all day long (mostly). Boy was it difficult! I had two super intense scenes in the same chapter because that's the kind of masochist I am. But it's done! And it's not terrible! I think? It has some killer lines. I think it has the most important line in the book. And I gave it to Jordan's mom of all people! She doesn't deserve it! She's terrible! Oh well...

So I'm winding down with this book. Too bad the ending is the hardest part to write. I'm trying not to force it, just let the ideas come to me in their own time. I know everything that has to happen in Chapter 27 so once I actually sit down and WORK ON IT it'll get done pretty quickly. I wish I could be on vacation all the time (you know, as long as I was getting paid). I think I will end up having 29 chapters. I wanted to push it to 30 to have a nice even number, but as my husband pointed out to me, the word UNEVEN is in the damn title of the book *facepalm*. Plus 29 feels like such an uncomfortable number to me. It's perfect! 

Anyhoo, moving on to this month's optional question: What personal traits have you written into your character(s)?

Oh! This is a fun one! So I pretty much have nothing in common with Jordan. Maybe that's why I like writing him so much. We really are polar opposites. But in a book where pretty much everything has some sort of hidden or symbolic meaning, I've found that Jordan has a few random dislikes just because they're things I dislike, like country music and chest hair. I just don't like these things. I couldn't force Jordan to like them. I'm sure there are other things that I dislike that Jordan could like or dislike, but these were the only ones that came up in the story. 

My second most important character, Tom, bakes a lot, which is definitely something I like to do. This may be a chicken and egg situation, though. I did take a cake decorating course when I was 13 so I've always been interested in baking, but my signature nowadays is definitely cupcakes. But I only got obsessed with making cupcakes after writing about a cupcake that Tom brings Jordan in Chapter 3. So being obsessed with cupcakes is just because I'm obsessed with my own book...

One of the things I would love for someone to ask me if this book is ever published and anyone actually reads it, is "are you more like Jordan or Tom?" To which I would say, "lol I'm Eric." Eric is Jordan's best friend and is a shy nervous wreck. I don't think I'm exactly like him, but I'm definitely most like him. Another thing I think we have in common is being really passionate about something (for Eric, it's music) but being terrified to share it with the world or even people we know. 

Oddly enough, it's Jordan who gets Eric out of his shell and showing off his talent. Hopefully he'll do the same for me. You know...if we can FINISH THE BOOK! He's a good friend (when he wants to be) but he's a terrible muse. Don't tell him I said that...