Girls Who Kick Butt

I'm thinking about switching up my blog schedule this month, maybe even posting more often! We'll see. For Mondays, I want to dive a little deeper into my story "The Last Dragon," from the IWSG anthology, Hero Lost: Mysteries of Death and Life. Then if I have some other writing related nonsense (like if I ever finish Chapter 7 of UL...), I'll post something on Wednesdays. But you know what happens when I promise things...

Anyway! Today I'm going to talk about one of my favorite characters. Well, ok, there are really only three characters in "The Last Dragon," so calling one of them "one of my favorites" would seem a bit strange. I love them all, and for different reasons. But the character who's definitely the coolest? In my opinion, at least, it's the MC's twin sister, Irillya. Why? Well, she kicks butt. Ok, maybe not literally. But she's definitely a strong female character.

Even though the story is told from Raynor's point of view, and revolves around the search for their uncle Mikah, there would be no story without Irillya, or Illy, as she's called throughout the story. I have a feeling she actually dislikes her nickname, or at least the fact that it gives her a softer, childlike side that she'd rather not acknowledge. She's tough as nails. She knows what she has to do and she gets it done. Or at least, tries to. Sometimes the way isn't always so clear. But since she has a goal, she knows she has to accomplish it, no matter what.

Illy is Gifted--meaning she has a special power. Her power is seeing visions of the future. In this world, being Gifted is more of a curse than a blessing. But that just gives her more motivation once she has a vision of her uncle fighting a great battle. She knows she has to find him and convince him to fight, even though she's never met him and has no idea how he'll respond. He did disappear, after all. She doesn't know if he still wants to be the hero he once was.

So Illy and her brother Raynor go on their journey, because she wasn't going to take no for an answer. Illy is always seen as the stronger twin. Raynor reflects on how he wishes he had his sister's confidence and strength. The only reason he feels protective of her is because being Gifted is so dangerous. Illy isn't exactly someone who wants to be protected, but the twins are close and they take care of each other.

For reasons that are spoilerific, Illy unfortunately becomes a bit of a damsel in distress, but literally only for half a second. And she's saved by her brother, not some knight in shining armor. She would probably laugh at one of those. She quickly brushes off any trauma she may have faced and is ready to kick butt again. When the final battle approaches, she may not be able to physically take part in it, but her confidence is what fuels her brother and uncle to know that they can face it. So maybe Illy is more of an unsung hero than a lost one.

Do you have a favorite butt-kicking female character? 

Hero Lost

Mysteries of Death and Life

An Insecure Writer’s Support Group Anthology

Can a lost hero find redemption?

What if Death himself wanted to die? Can deliverance be found on a bloody battlefield? Could the gift of silvering become a prison for those who possessed it? Will an ancient warrior be forever the caretaker of a house of mystery?

Delving into the depths of the tortured hero, twelve authors explore the realms of fantasy in this enthralling and thought-provoking collection. Featuring the talents of Jen Chandler, L. Nahay, Renee Cheung, Roland Yeomans, Elizabeth Seckman, Olga Godim, Yvonne Ventresca, Ellen Jacobson, Sean McLachlan, Erika Beebe, Tyrean Martinson, and Sarah Foster.

Hand-picked by a panel of agents and authors, these twelve tales will take you into the heart of heroes who have fallen from grace. Join the journey and discover a hero’s redemption!

Print: Amazon | Barnes and Noble | Books A Million

EBook: Nook | iTunes | Kobo | Amazon | Amazon UK | Amazon CA

Hero Lost Website

Rewriting, Research, and a Release!

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

What am I insecure about? So, so, so much. How can I fit it all in one post?? I probably can't. Plus I do kinda want to answer this month's question. Well, I guess I'll just dive in. 

The editing front! Still not done with Chapter 7. I think I'll spend the rest of my life on it, actually. And there is SOOOOOO much dialogue but I think it works for this particular scene. My characters are basically creating a kind of verbal contract, so...they kinda have to talk to each other. I'm actually adding so much more than was in the previous drafts, which is a good thing, because I know this scene was always rushed before. I just wish I could reach the end of it. 

Now for this month's question, which is: What's the weirdest/coolest thing you ever had to research for a story?

I like this question a lot, but I've had a hard time coming up with just one thing that was really weird or really cool. So...I made a list, of course! I didn't think writing a piece of fiction would require SO. MUCH. RESEARCH. But it does! All the little things you need to check out seem to add up over time!

So here are some of the things I've had to research while writing UL. 

- Setting related stuff: streets, landmarks, subway stations, apartment price ranges, THOSE DAMN WINDOWS.

- MATH! (I hate math). I’ve watched YouTube videos on geometric proofs. That scene turned out awesome so it was totally worth it. I also have a geometry textbook.

- Some unsavory things I won't mention here. (Well, you see, I don't have...never mind.)

- FOOD. So much food! Different recipes. How to make fresh pasta. One time I made chocolate chip cookies and then took notes while I ate them. Some of those descriptions are in the book.

- Probably one of the weirdest things I know from writing this book is about age of consent. It goes by state and is from 16-18 (17 in NY where my story takes place). I don't need to know this for real life. It's creepy that I know it. But what can you do? I did need to know it for the story.

And of course, I can't forget the Chapter 3 Valentine's Day cupcakes. Extremely important research, here, people. Very scientific stuff. 

 

And now for something completely different...

In case you missed it (you probably didn't), yesterday the IWSG Anthology, Hero Lost: Mysteries of Death and Life was released! Woo hoo! I'm honored to be a part of this great group of authors. Plus, now after my years of insecure ramblings, you actually get to read something I wrote! Something I actually finished! Something the muse says he "let me" write (because it wasn't about him!). 

Hero Lost

Mysteries of Death and Life

An Insecure Writer’s Support Group Anthology

Can a lost hero find redemption?

What if Death himself wanted to die? Can deliverance be found on a bloody battlefield? Could the gift of silvering become a prison for those who possessed it? Will an ancient warrior be forever the caretaker of a house of mystery?

Delving into the depths of the tortured hero, twelve authors explore the realms of fantasy in this enthralling and thought-provoking collection. Featuring the talents of Jen Chandler, L. Nahay, Renee Cheung, Roland Yeomans, Elizabeth Seckman, Olga Godim, Yvonne Ventresca, Ellen Jacobson, Sean McLachlan, Erika Beebe, Tyrean Martinson, and Sarah Foster.

Hand-picked by a panel of agents and authors, these twelve tales will take you into the heart of heroes who have fallen from grace. Join the journey and discover a hero’s redemption!

Print: Amazon | Barnes and Noble | Books A Million

EBook: Nook | iTunes | Kobo | Amazon | Amazon UK | Amazon CA

Hero Lost Website

Jordan Takes Over: Character Nicknames

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance.**

So, things are a little different today because I have AN INTRUDER on my post. And you thought I was greedy. But I think you guys like our witty banter or something, so without any further BS...Miss Writer Lady!

What'd I miss???

STAHP. What are we doing here, anyway? I haven't had a cup of tea yet. You know what, never mind the tea, I'm going back to bed.

Nice try! We're going to have some fun with character names today. Or more specifically, character nicknames! And not the ones that you would actually use in a story. Because if any other writers out there are like me...

Psychotic...

*glares* Anyway...you may refer to your own characters with nicknames that you would never actually use in a story. Whether because you love them so much you create gooey sappy nicknames, or you hate them so much you commonly refer to them as something that probably shouldn't be uttered in front of children. So we're gonna have some fun today and go through the characters in Jordan's series and maybe some extra characters will manage to sneak in as well.

Not likely. Why do I have to be here, exactly?

Because I'm guessing you have nicknames for these characters that are probably a bit different than mine...so let's start!

They don't even know who these people are...
SHHHH.

UNEVEN LINES (BOOK ONE) 

Jordan (!)

Jojo!
*rolls eyes* I don't have a nickname for myself. That would be weird
Ok, I get another! Bane of my existence! SASSAFRASS. 
Please stop.

Tom

You whore! We don't talk about him!
He's the second most important character in the book; you had to have seen this coming. 
I want out!
GIVE ME SOMETHING!
Ugh...I think I frequently called him loser. Or like, math geek. Psycho baker! That was a good one. Can we make cookies?

Allison (Mom)

I don't think your readers will appreciate the words I use for her.
You just called me a whore. 
I would never be that nice to her.

Eric

Light of my life.
Badass. 

Brian

A-hole.
Um...yeah, that's accurate. 

Madison

HAG.
I thought that was me?
YOU'RE BOTH HAGS. You can be Queen Hag and she can be Princess Hag.

BOOK TWO

Seth

Sticks! *air drums*
Joe...I mean, Max...I mean, Seth! Seth! He finally has a name! I never thought it would happen.

Adam

Yoko. 
Hair.

Cameron

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
I still say you just change it to Voldemort. It'll save time. 

Abby

A red-haired, blue-eyed, demon child sent straight from hell to torture me.
I thought you adored her.
I do. She's my entire world.

Ben

The guy I wasn't supposed to know about.
Same. Characters are always doing things they're not supposed to be doing. Like existing. 

BOOK THREE

Anthony

That stupid beefed-up queen???
*laughing hysterically* I just wanted to include him so you would say that. 

And now before he notices...CHARACTERS FROM OTHER STORIES WHO SOMEHOW SNUCK INTO MY SUBCONSCIOUS WHEN JOJO WASN’T LOOKING

More like sleeping.

Raynor from "The Last Dragon" 

Ray Ray!
Fire boy.
YOU'RE SPOILING IT!
IT COMES OUT TOMORROW FOR F'S SAKE!

Jason from Shiny New Story

Just J. 
Needs-To-Take-A-Chill-Pill.
He's not that bad. He has a troubled past!
He needs a personality makeover. I'll fix that.
He's not gonna sleep with you. He's in a committed relationship. 
Hey! Did I say I was gonna seduce him? I have various means of persuasion. *cracks knuckles*

Eli from Shiny New Story

My widdle Eli cuddlekins omg I wanna pinch his cheeks.

Calm down, woman! You have a problem. Plus he’s 18, not an infant.

*sticks out tongue* 

Ok, time to wrap this up.

I'm sure we've lost everybody by now. 

I guess we could go make those cookies. 

I'm not gonna make out with you while they bake, though. 

Well that's a relief. 

JP & SF <3

Do you give your characters nicknames that aren't actually in the story?

Nonsense Pile

I wasn't going to write a blog post at all, but since I skipped last week I thought I'd better try to get through it. So prepare for the nonsense!

What's going on with me? Too much. I think. I can't think straight right now, actually. I'm all over the place. There's always too much I want to get done in a day and not even close to enough time. Especially if I'm working.

Writing stuff! I'm still working on the Chapter 7 edit for UL. It's never ending. I'm pretty much rewriting the last part because the whole scene has always been so rushed before and it really just doesn't make sense that way. I just want to get to Chapter 8 so bad because I know it'll be so so easy and fun. But Chapter 7 is a bitch. This whole novel is a bitch. I've been writing it for 6 years, for crying out loud. Oh well. I trudge on.

I've been trying to read more. I keep picking ridiculously long books, though. And I'm a slow reader. I am trying to read more poetry as well, though. At least those I can get through more quickly.

Speaking of poetry, I think reading it just instinctively makes me want to write it. I just wrote two poems back to back today while I was trying to read. I mean, they're stupid and they're about the same person but maybe I can carve something out of them. I'd like to go back and edit some of my older poems and try to get them published.

Guys, the release date for Hero Lost is a week from tomorrow! Yikes! I'm working on all this blog tour nonsense. Try organizing 12 authors and 17 blog tour stops. But I'm a crazy person and a control freak apparently because I don't want help. Except my Excel spreadsheet. I do have 4 people who signed up who HAVEN'T EMAILED ME BACK AND I'LL BE COMING AFTER YOU and I'm so sorry I think I'm dehydrated. Too much coffee. Check your spam folders, prease.

I've also been cleaning my apartment like a crazy person and my husband has actually been willing to throw stuff away. It's a miracle! We donated two whole trash bags full of old clothes and are throwing out all the junk we don't actually need. It's actually starting to feel like there's space around here!

Ok I think I'm done. I'm so sorry for the nonsense. I think I have a fun collaboration post with you-know-who next Monday and then it's IWSG on Wednesday (after the book release! *GASP*).

No really. I'm done.

Sometimes You Need "More"

I have a certain note that tends to pop up as I'm editing my novel. 

I'd say I write it at least once on every page. 

No, really, it's a lot. 

That note is, of course, more. Really, I've looked at it so many times I'm not actually sure it's a real word anymore. I guess it's a good thing that I notice the need for more, though. A certain paragraph may not seem clear enough, or not dive deep enough into what's going on or what the characters are thinking or feeling. At least if you know a scene needs more, you can eventually figure out what to put there. But what do you do once you know you need more? How much more do you need? 

For me, the "more" note usually means that I rushed through a scene or a moment. I didn't draw it out enough, give the characters enough to say so that it seemed realistic and got the point across to the reader. Or maybe I had an idea and I got the bare bones of it down but I didn't really give enough to get the point across. Sometimes when you're writing a first (or second) draft, the ideas may not be as concrete as you'd like them to be, but you know there's something there so better to put something down to fix later than nothing at all. 

In the case of that last more more more,  I had definitely rushed the end of the chapter. I don't know how I didn't notice it before. I've literally spent two chapters of one character saying "we should get together somehow," and the other responding with, "no no no absolutely not." Then in less than a page I have him change his mind and say, "yeah, ok." I obviously need to get to that point for the story's sake, but I got there way too quickly. It just doesn't make any sense for the pace of the scene or for that character at all. There needs to be way more thought process and way more discussion for him to suddenly change his mind. Because it shouldn't be sudden at all, it should be gradual. Even if that change of heart happens over the course of one scene, it still needs to be drawn out properly.

Hence all the more. At least I know where it needs to happen. What exactly that "more" needs to be, can be a little bit trickier. But I take it one paragraph at a time.

So Long, Symbolism!

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

So, it's April. How is it April already??? I know a lot of you are participating in the A to Z Challenge, but I've decided to skip this year. I have a GIANT list of reasons for that (some I'd rather not get into) but the main thing is that I really need to focus on editing my novel and I know doing the Challenge will take away an entire month from that. It is rather relaxing, though, not having to worry about getting posts done and visiting others. Now I just actually have to make good use of the free time.

Recently I was doing some setting research that led me to a heartbreaking realization (ok, I'm exaggerating a little). It really just started out in Chapter 7 with the narrator mentioning a ten minute subway ride to get to another character's apartment. I just wanted to make sure it actually would be ten minutes--turns out, yes, I had that right all along--depending on which station my MC lives closest to, I'm flexible with that. But at least it was believable enough to work.

But for some reason I went into research mode and turned into some kind of psychopath. I've always had a vague idea of what neighborhoods my characters lived in, but I wanted to make sure it was realistic for them to live there. So this leads me to browsing actual apartments and wondering if a character could afford an apartment on the Upper East Side and...well, probably, but said apartment would be a lot smaller than how I pictured it in my brain. But that's not a big deal. Easy fix.

The devastation came because I've always kind of wondered if a certain detail about said character's apartment would actually be realistic. I don't even know why I haven't done the proper research before, but I decided I needed to settle the matter.

So all this nonsense is about windows. I've always had this character's bedroom not have any windows. This was for some pretty heavy symbolism. It was just one of those things that worked and made sense but I wasn't bashing the reader over the head with it too much. I'm pretty sure I only mentioned it twice. But if they're able to read between the lines, it was saying a lot.

The problem? It's actually illegal for a bedroom in an apartment to not have any windows. In New York, at least, and I assume most other places. I know what some of you might say--so what, do it anyway! I'm just not sure it's an important enough plot point to do something that would never happen in the real world. Was it a cool bit of symbolism? Yes! But am I willing to have the reader question if the story is realistic over it? Uhhh...not really.

So, farewell symbolism! You were cool while you lasted. I guess I'll just have to put up curtains.

Jordan Takes Over: When a Muse Gets Writer's Block

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance.**

I'm gonna have to be honest with you people. And yes, that's a thing I can do. I have no idea what to write about today. But Miss Writer Lady wouldn't let me skip my post so...here I am. I mean, I know you'd be devastated if I skipped this month, but hey, at least being devastated is more interesting than being bored.

I hate being bored. It's literally the worst. This is usually why I end up causing trouble--because I'm bored. It's basically why my novel exists. Hey, you try living pretty much alone at 15 because your mom sucks and doesn't care about you and your friends are lame and you're still in the closet so you don't have a boyfriend. I mean, what do you want from me? I have to find some way to amuse myself.

Anyway, God, why did I go there? We've been working on my book so much lately, I can't help it. I guess that's a good thing. I need attention! Almost as much as I need naps. But when I need naps I just send in Adam to work on some Book 2 or 3 nonsense so if Sarah is complaining, I don't want to hear it. She's got plenty to do.

Did you think this post was going to be coherent? I told you, I have no idea what to write about. And that's ok because I'M NOT ACTUALLY THE WRITER. I don't have to make words. I make the inspiration and then she makes the words. That's my job. Get over it.

I'm not cranky, I swear. And don't listen to Sarah or Adam or any other character in any of my stories who's ever met me on that one. Just trust me.

I'm gonna go ahead and cut this short before it goes down in complete flames (don't make the obvious joke!). So what exactly do you write about when you have no idea what to write about? Or do you just not write? I don't know. I told you--I'm not the writer.

JP

Edits, Edits, Edits

I don't know if you knew this, but editing is hard. Even when it's easy, it's hard. Basically, editing can at times be easier but never actually easy. Editing never goes at the fast pace that writing can often go at. You know, when words are just flying onto the page. Rewriting and cutting goes at a much slower pace. And it's never as much fun.

Ok, for all this moping, I'm actually very glad to be in my editing cave right now. It means that I'm getting something done. I've temporarily abandoned Shiny New Story and while I occasionally drift into Sequel Land to write a quick little snippet (dammit, Adam! Stop letting Jordan take naps!), my main focus is on editing Uneven Lines. Woo hoo!

Chapter 6 was particularly tricky. It's a very complicated chapter. Getting it right was no easy task. I've actually always had this thought that I should cut the concept this chapter introduces because it was just too much. But I knew if I did that, basically the whole premise of the novel falls apart. I think I was just afraid of writing something controversial. But I guess the only thing worse would be to have a story be controversial and not commit to it. To try to water it down. If this is the story I'm telling, then I just need to go for it, and punch the reader in the face with it. Figuratively, of course.

So I just had to commit to it. For this particular chapter, that meant adding a lot. I ended up adding two whole pages when it was all done. It seems that most of the notes I write myself when taking the red pen to each chapter say something like, "MORE." Sometimes what's there just isn't enough. In this chapter I wrote a lot of "React!" notes because I didn't feel like Jordan was reacting enough to things that were being told to him. And this was some pretty heavy stuff that any normal person would have a rather large reaction to. Even if he wasn't openly reacting so the other character could see, there still needed to be a lot of thought process for the reader to see. I got a bit frustrated with it and wrote "REACT, DAMMIT!" when I had to make the same note several times.

So it was a lot of work. Cutting old stuff and adding new stuff and elaborating and rearranging. But eventually I got it done. At least I think I did. It seems done. I don't think I'll know for sure until I edit the next chapter. Then I thought I'd read through Chapters 5, 6, & 7 and make sure they all flow together nicely. These three chapters have a certain connection in regards to what is going on in the story, so in order for everything to make sense, they have to work together.

The good news is that I've already taken the red pen to Chapter 7. The bad news is that it's a much hotter mess than I thought it was. Observe the numerous markings:

A lot more "more"s to deal with. Oh well. All in a day's work, I suppose. Or several days. 

Reading Your Own Story

I've kind of always had this idea that if you're not your own story's biggest fan, then you're doing something wrong. When you write something, you're not just telling any story. It's the story that you want to tell. It's something you're passionate about. You love (or hate...or both...) your characters; you want every moment to be absolutely perfect. You wouldn't write something that you wouldn't also want to read.

Unfortunately for me, sometimes reading my work can be distracting, but it has its benefits as well. I usually get into a "my writing is terrible no one will ever want to read it waaaaaaaaaah" mood and then I don't even look at my book for weeks or months. But when I actually go back and start reading, I think, "oh wait, I really like this." So reading serves as a bit of a confidence boost.

That's not to say that everything's perfect. I'm still editing, of course. But I do think the first two thirds of the book are pretty much all set, just need some minor edits along the way. So when I read through those chapters, I actually get sucked into my own story. Sounds silly, right? I mean, I wrote it. I already know what happens. But sometimes I can't help it. Despite all my self doubt and procrastination and lack of motivation, I really do love this story.

So occasionally I get sucked into my own story. Last week I finished my Chapter 5 edit and then I printed the next chapter so I could put the red pen to it. But it was pretty close to bedtime so I didn't really have the brain capacity for editing. I did still have some for reading, though. I read the whole chapter--no editing, just reading. I thought of a few ways to fix it, of course (mostly the fact that it's way too short and rushed) but I didn't write anything down.

The next time I booted up my laptop, I kept reading. I went onto the next chapter. And then the next. I had started reading at Chapter 6 and now I'm on 11. If I hadn't worked all weekend I'd probably be further. I know I should be editing, of course, but it's nice just to enjoy the story, too. It's fun to read lines I forgot about, find parts that make me laugh. I know which parts need a lot of work, and which parts just need some minor edits. And I know once I get past Chapter 17 I'm definitely not going to enjoy it as much. (Because the last third sucks!) But at least I'm enjoying it now.

So should I be trying to edit more? Probably. But at least I know, for now, that I do like my story.

Playing Catch Up

Hello blogging world! Is everyone still out there? Ok, ok, I did post something last Monday (or someone did, at least), but I've been a bit out of it since then. After working all day then running a million errands, I started to feel very sick. I had a fever off and on from Monday night until about midday on Wednesday. Luckily I had Tuesday off work but I ended up having to call in sick on Wednesday, which is my first time for this job (been there almost a year and a half). Anyway, I didn't do anything for days besides sleep and watch TV and cough my lungs out. I didn't even look at my computer until Saturday.

So I've been playing a bit of catch up. I had to finish up the final anthology story edits because I was procrastinating on that forever before I even got sick (even though I literally had 6 things to fix). I still haven't gotten anywhere with other anthology stuff (writing interview questions, writing posts for the joint blog). I'm trying to form some kind of schedule for myself where I work a little bit on it (and other writing stuff) every day.

Speaking of other writing stuff, I've written about 13,000 words of Shiny New Story so far. Named all the characters but no title so far (no surprise there). I didn't do any writing while I was sick so I lost a bit of the drive I had, but I have gotten a little done over the weekend so I'm hoping it will come back.

Before I got sick, my writing drive did shift gears a little and I was suddenly working on Book 3 for some reason (listening to too much Adele). Don't ask. I spent a day or two on that and wrote about 5 pages. Some of the stuff I really like but I can't tell anybody about it because it's extra spoilerific.

As for editing UL, uhhh.....not so much there. I did glance at Chapter 5 but knowing I have to rewrite the second half of it I just said to myself, "I don't want to. Someone else do it."

I'm hoping I get that crazy writing/editing drive back that I had a couple weeks ago. I was somehow able to work on everything old and new and got a lot done. I would love to be able to do that all the time.

But anyway, enough rambling. If you didn't see it before, the other IWSG anthology authors and I have set up a blog tour during the month of May to coincide with the release. If you'd like to sign up, fill out the form below and we'll get in contact with you soon (something else I still have to do...)!

Jordan Takes Over: A Crash Course in Musing

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance.**

Ok, people, we're gonna do things a little differently today, so everybody be quiet and pay attention! Because my life apparently isn't crazy enough, I'm here to offer tips to the beginner or wannabe muse. Or for you writers out there, a more in depth look of what exactly is going on with your most favorite (just try and call us) imaginary friends. So! Where are my pupils??

*Adam waves frantically*

Just one??? Oh, by the way, I'm training Adam as my backup for when Sarah's being annoying and I want a nap. She's not going to like it, but, uh, tough something or other.

Adam: We've got a student/teacher thing going on here.

Been there, done that. Ok, one student. *sigh* Fine. First lesson! Let's talk about the ABNs of musing.

Adam: Don't you mean ABCs?

First of all, how about raising a hand when you have a question, Mr. uhhh...do you have a last name yet?

Adam: No.

Of course not. Mr. Perfect Hair. Anyway, no! The ABNs. Always Be Napping. This is crucial. A muse needs his beauty sleep. Or, you know, hers, because I guess most muses are girls but we're working for a psycho over here. Either way, beauty sleep! How can you be providing your best inspiration if you're tired and groggy? I'd say at least 22 hours a day. Are you writing this down?

Adam:....You never said to take notes....

Moving on! The next lesson is about spontaneity. If your writer is getting all their stuff together, finishing her coffee, booting up the laptop, getting the pencils and paper lined up, is that the perfect time to provide inspiration?

Adam: Well, I would think s--

WRONG! Of course not! You can't just give ideas when they're expecting them! Where's the fun in that? Where's the passion? We're not freaking robots over here! It's best to be completely random when providing inspiration. Whenever you feel like it, really, but never when they're expecting it. Now, when are the best times to provide inspiration?

Adam: Oh, wait, I know this! Uh...when she's falling asleep or when she's in the shower.

CORRECT. You've been paying attention!

Adam: ...Why are those the best times, exactly?

That's just the way it is. We don't ask questions about it. Lesson number three: withholding stuff. We can't just give it all away. That would make us sluts, now wouldn't it?

Adam: Uh..........

I mean with muse stuff! Get your mind out of the gutter. Save that for after class. Anyway, you always want to make your writer work for their inspiration and information. It shouldn't always be easy. Got a piece of information that she needs? Don't tell her! Make her think about it for months, maybe even years before you finally give it up. Like our band's name, for example.

Adam: Oh, you mean--

Shhhhhhhhh! Spoilers! We're not there yet!

Finally, lesson number four: something a bit unexpected. The complete and total onslaught of inspiration. This can be fun but also very exhausting. (Just remember lesson one!) When you're feeling up to providing a decent amount of inspiration, just go for the extreme. Hit them with everything you've got. Don't let them sleep or eat or do anything except write. Make it physically painful for them not to be writing. Every single thought and every single second should be about the story. Basically it's a giant torture session but with a really good payoff.

Thus concludes our first class. What have we learned?

Adam: Uh...I think being a muse is basically just being a jerk.

Yeah, pretty much. Until next class! If there is a next class. If I remember. If I'm awake.

JP