The Impending 100th Post of Doom...Sort Of...

It's that time again! The first Wednesday of every month is the Insecure Writer's Support Group day. Check out Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog to learn more!

I think I'll start by telling you what I'm NOT insecure about:

I'm not insecure about failing NaNoWriMo miserably. At a certain point, it just didn't feel right to be working on it any more. I'd rushed in, hadn't developed the characters enough. The voice was slowly starting to shape itself but it still wasn't good enough. I felt like I was forcing myself to write it, and the words weren't as good as they could be.

I'm not insecure that November was my very first perfect blogging month. I posted every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, with no exceptions. Sure, some posts weren't as thought out as others, but I still managed to pull it off.

I'm not insecure about diving headfirst into editing and crafting a second draft. Yet.

Ok, what's really weighing down my mind is this 100th post I have coming up on December 15. Yes, I know that's a Sunday. It's also my muse, Jordan's birthday (if you've never been here before and haven't seen me talk about it fifteen billion times). So the timing seemed kind of perfect for me to have my 100th post be on that day rather than on one of my usual blogging days.

What I'm concerned about is making this post live up to its potential. Making it be everything I want it to be and everything I've promised it would be. Getting enough people to see it. Having the people who do see it not think it's stupid. I know it's going to be a long post, so I'm worrying that some people won't get through the whole thing. And then sometimes I just feel like I'm going crazy.

I'm insecure about what to write. I've decided to share 100 fun facts about my book, whether it's about characters, my writing process, or what music I listen to in order to write. Pretty much anything. But where I'm fine telling you my characters names and how many f-bombs are in the first draft (Yes I counted. You'll have to check out the post to see!), I'm really weird about sharing other details.

It's not just because I don't want to completely spoil my book before I even finish writing it. I'm not giving a lot of plot details away. More like things you wouldn't find by reading the book. But there's a lot of things I'm sharing about myself. Finding 100 facts to write is difficult, so after all the obvious things come to mind, I have to dig deeper. And there's some things I'm uncomfortable sharing.

They're not all ridiculously personal things. Some things I'm just really awkward about sharing. Like the original title for the short story, or my dream casting for my characters. I don't know why I'm so weird about these things. And then there's my issues with identifying as a gay fiction writer, which comes up in a few of the facts I've written. It's like part of me wants to share all these things with the world, and part of me just wants to keep it all to myself.

I'm also just afraid that no one's going to care at all.

Ok, really, it's not all doom and gloom. This just seemed like a good day to vent. I really am looking forward to my 100th post, and coming up with these facts is a lot of fun. I'm also finally going to post the synopsis for my book on that day. So if you're interested in all my nonsense, come back on December 15 and check it out!

Jordan Takes Over: Sweet, Sweet Freedom! And Some Other Sh**

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance.**

You know what's great about December? Well, that I was born, but I'll get to that in a minute. What's great about December is that November is over!!! Start the fireworks! Cue the orchestra!

Wait, am I the only one who's happy about November being over? And by November, I really mean...NaNoWriMo. Ugh, it gives me chills just saying it. I suppose you're wondering how it went. But really, come on, do you seriously care?

Ugh. Fine. The final word count was 30,434. Not a whole lot done structure-wise, just the first two chapters, but a lot of random scenes that are later in the book. She never likes to write things in order. So, yeah, we failed. But it's kinda hard to work on something when your muse wants nothing to do with it. And for me, it was like being locked in a cage for a month. Well, guess what? Now I'm free! And I couldn't be more thrilled. Believe me, it takes a lot to thrill me.

So now that the horrible vampire shit show is pushed aside, we can get back to what really matters. Me, duh. We've got some serious editing to do. And I want it done fast. So chop chop. I'm thinking second draft by February, just in time for the *sigh* muse-iversary. Such a stupid word. But there is a whole big trip to plan. And besides getting the concert tickets, she hasn't even started. We've got a lot of work to do so I guess I'd better start kicking her or something.

Aaaaaaaand the best part! What I know you're all just dying for--the 100th post! December 15. It's coming up fast. Less than two weeks now. And it's on my birthday, of course. It's weird, turning 18 doesn't seem all that exciting for me. Well, because there's not much I'll be able to do that I'm not able to do at 17. I don't smoke and I certainly don't want a tattoo or anything. I could buy porn, I guess, but there's this great thing called the internet that hasn't exactly stopped me before. Plus, you know, technically I'll only be 2 years and 10 months old. But I don't want to confuse you.

Let me just tell you, the 100th post is going to be an extravaganza. A list of 100 fun facts, the synopsis, and possibly a title reveal. If the one she's thinking of right now actually sticks. I can't make any promises. Plus, it is my birthday, so I'll be expecting presents!

Hugs and kisses! I know, that was weird for me, too. I must be in a good mood.

JP

The Not So Happy Ending

I have a confession to make: I'm a sucker for a happy ending. I've read several books that have made me completely miserable but then make up for it by everything working out in the end. Sure, the characters go through hell but it ends up being worth it. It makes them stronger, and it makes having to read through the bad stuff worth it.

Well, here's my second confession: my story does not have a happy ending. I don't know how this happened to me. I always write happy endings. Maybe that's partly because the kind of stories I used to write always had a villain--a very distinct antagonist that needed to be defeated in order for the story to end. Well, that isn't the case with my current book. And I haven't read a lot of romance novels, but I'm guessing they usually end happily. Not that my book is 100% romance, but still, it kind of goes against the grain.

I've certainly read books that haven't ended happily before. Usually I want to throw them against the wall. And I have this secret desire to have my characters stay together forever, but I know that can't happen. That's life, really. Things don't always work out perfectly. They're not always wrapped up in a neat little bow. Maybe that's why people like happy endings so much. If things can go so well for these fictional characters, maybe things in life can always end happily, too.

Every story is different. Every character is different. Usually, the writer will know how their story will end before they get to the ending. I always knew this story couldn't have a happy ending. It just wouldn't have made sense. My book would have to span several years rather than just a few months. And in the end, I don't think my readers would be satisfied with the ending. They wouldn't believe it. It's funny, because I think my goal for this book is for the reader to want that happy ending, but to still be satisfied when they don't get it. Hopefully they'll want these characters to stay together, but they'll be able to understand when they can't. My ending is sad, but it's not miserable. It has a silver lining. No one's going to jump off a roof once the pages end. And it's partially about growing up, so a bit of harsh learning is necessary.

Ultimately, you have to choose an ending that works for the story. A happy ending isn't always going to be the right fit. Really, it doesn't matter whether you have a happy ending or a sad one. You just need an ending that makes sense.

I Have to Blog Something!

Normally on a day like today I would just skip posting a blog, but since I can't miss a single one until my 100th post, I must blog! I know, I know, I rambled on Monday already. It's been a busy week. This will be short and sweet.

I've been up since 5:30 and worked for over 13 hours straight so I'm exhausted. My feet are throbbing. Hopefully I can finish the post before I fall asl-- *snore* Huh?! What's going on?

Oh, right! I was blogging...except I have nothing to blog about. I haven't worked on NaNo in days, but I think I'm probably going to wait until November ends to officially give up and get back into editing. I never thought I'd ever look forward to editing, but I can't wait!

I think that's all I'll bother you with for tonight, since I'm about to pass out and all. I'll write something more meaningful on Friday, I swear.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!!

Ramble Ramble Ramble

Hey, I know I've rambled before. But this one's gonna be bad. I would have just skipped it altogether, but if I don't completely stick to my blogging schedule then I'll just ruin my plan for the 100th post. Can't have that. I'm also on a double today. Again. Geez, you guys must think I work doubles all the time. Well, kind of.

I had an awesome weekend. Saw Catching Fire in IMAX and watched The Day of the Doctor, of course. I'm so stupid, I only realized that I actually have BBC America on Friday night. I thought I could just watch on demand the next day. So after I had a complete spaz attack, I was able to watch it when it premiered on Saturday afternoon. Which was awesome!

The next three work days are going to be hell. I have to deal with all of the people buying whole cheesecakes for Thanksgiving (ugh, just make a freakin' pie like everyone else!). So before Wednesday I'll be spending a lot of quality time in the freezer sorting cakes for pre-orders. It's not that much different from being outside (so cold!) at this point so it won't be THAT bad, I suppose.

Speaking of work, for Christmas, I get a sweatshirt with my name on it. This excites me far more than it should. I'm a bit of a dork.

I still have absolutely no idea what to do for my 100th post. I mean, it is on Jordan's birthday, but since I let him write a post every month, that's kind of a lousy present. I COULD save my synopsis (which I'm totally working on, yeah...) for that day. Maybe. It's a thought. If I could come up with a title before then, that would be a pretty good present and a great reason for a special post. We'll see.

I'm also doing absolutely nothing to plan for my Muse-iversary trip in February. I really need to book a hotel room and get bus tickets first. Then I can worry about planning fun stuff. Mostly I'm concerned with where/what I'll be eating. Because food is a big part of my book. I'll probably only want to eat stuff that is mentioned in the book. And obviously I won't know until about a week before so I'll know what the weather is like, but I'm still gonna hope for a picnic. Yes, in February. If you're wondering if I'm crazy, I'm thinking you've never been to this blog before...

Ok, one more thing.

Hey...psst! Guys! Guuuuuuys! Do you know what happens this week? No, not Thanksgiving. Pfft. Frozen comes out on Wednesday!!! I'm so excited! I honestly don't remember when I first heard about this movie, probably when they started casting since I'm a psychopath with anything related to Broadway, but I've been dying for it ever since. I mean, have you seen the cast list??? I'm drooling over it. Unfortunately I don't really know anyone who shares my obsessiveness, so I'm probably seeing it on Thanksgiving with my sister and her family. Since my four-year-old niece is the only person I know who's looking forward to it as much as I am. Can't wait!



What's everyone up to this week? Got any awesome Thanksgiving plans? And for the love of God, don't mention NaNo to me...

The Final Push

Well, it's almost the end of November, and I find myself realistically thinking about whether or not I'm going to finish my book for NaNoWriMo. And it's not looking good.

I've only written about 23,000 words. Even at my creative best, I can really only write about 1,000 words an hour. I'll admit it's hard for me to write anything when it's not the perfect word in my mind. I do a lot of blank page staring.

But honestly, it's a bigger problem than that. I just have no motivation for this book anymore. And yes, it's partially because I wrote the most intense scenes already and now it's more about filling in the gaps. I really have no desire to write the flashback scenes. The narrator's voice has been shaping itself a bit more, but really only during the most interesting moments. When he starts thinking, when he's worrying about what to do in a situation, it gets boring. I do love the first kiss scene--good lord, was that intense. See, it's better when there's action.

Sometimes when I think about trying to work on this book, I sort of cringe and try to avoid it. I do the dishes or watch TV. At best, I'll write about 300 words in a day. I just have no desire to work on it anymore.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I just want to get back to editing my other book. I really miss working on it. And I've wasted enough time NOT working on it, since, you know, it took me over two years to write the first draft. Plus I really, really miss writing in Jordan's voice. It's more fun. And I've worked on it for so long that I don't even have to think about it when I write as him. It just comes naturally. And it's not boring, unlike this stupid vampire narrator who doesn't know what the hell he wants. It's kind of like temporarily breaking up with your boyfriend for a month to go out with some other guy who turns out to be really boring.

So chances are, I'm not going to make it to 50,000. But tonight is WriteClub and I have to try! I don't have to necessarily finish the book, I just have to make the word count. But honestly, if I don't make it to 40,000 by tonight, I don't see it happening. So we'll see. I'm still going to try to get it done, or it least keep working on it until the end of November. Then I'll set it aside and get back to editing. And it'll always be there if I need a break.

Also, I was planning on running errands today but since it's raining and yucky out, that's really not gonna happen. So, more time for writing!

Things I'm Doing Today

It's time for another list! Because I don't have time for a real post! Kinda sorta like my fun facts. But instead, here's a list of the various writing and non-writing things I am doing today. Hope it's worth a chuckle.

Today I am:

• Working a double. Yay. 
• Looking forward to the next four days off! 
• Accepting the impending doom that is my NaNo defeat. I've barely gotten past 20,000 words. It's not looking good. But hey, four days off, you never know. 
• Procrastinating. On several things. Activating my new phone. Finding a hotel room for my trip. Grocery shopping. Not a lot of fruits, veggies, or pretty much anything to make dinner with, but there's lots of yogurt and waffles! 
• Totally cheating on my diet. I've lost about 8 pounds so far, but I also have absolutely no will power. Plus, you know, no food. Which results in either take out or bringing food home from work. So even the salads will make you fat. 
• Making a motivational playlist. It seemed like a good idea. I may or may not share it once it's done. Because, you know, spaz. 
• Geeking out that Catching Fire, the Doctor Who 50th anniversary special, and Frozen all premiere within a week of each other. And that week is almost here. So much geekery, so little time. 
• Feeling a serious need to go shoe shopping. I mean, it's getting cold. I need boots! Nice boots. With heels. In several colors. 
• Anticipating the end of NaNo and the return to editing. Really, really want to get my book query ready. Don't get me wrong, I like my NaNo book, but focusing completely on that is giving me withdrawals. 
• Still having absolutely no idea what to do for my 100th post. 

What is everyone else up to today?