Ramble Ramble Ramble

Hey, I know I've rambled before. But this one's gonna be bad. I would have just skipped it altogether, but if I don't completely stick to my blogging schedule then I'll just ruin my plan for the 100th post. Can't have that. I'm also on a double today. Again. Geez, you guys must think I work doubles all the time. Well, kind of.

I had an awesome weekend. Saw Catching Fire in IMAX and watched The Day of the Doctor, of course. I'm so stupid, I only realized that I actually have BBC America on Friday night. I thought I could just watch on demand the next day. So after I had a complete spaz attack, I was able to watch it when it premiered on Saturday afternoon. Which was awesome!

The next three work days are going to be hell. I have to deal with all of the people buying whole cheesecakes for Thanksgiving (ugh, just make a freakin' pie like everyone else!). So before Wednesday I'll be spending a lot of quality time in the freezer sorting cakes for pre-orders. It's not that much different from being outside (so cold!) at this point so it won't be THAT bad, I suppose.

Speaking of work, for Christmas, I get a sweatshirt with my name on it. This excites me far more than it should. I'm a bit of a dork.

I still have absolutely no idea what to do for my 100th post. I mean, it is on Jordan's birthday, but since I let him write a post every month, that's kind of a lousy present. I COULD save my synopsis (which I'm totally working on, yeah...) for that day. Maybe. It's a thought. If I could come up with a title before then, that would be a pretty good present and a great reason for a special post. We'll see.

I'm also doing absolutely nothing to plan for my Muse-iversary trip in February. I really need to book a hotel room and get bus tickets first. Then I can worry about planning fun stuff. Mostly I'm concerned with where/what I'll be eating. Because food is a big part of my book. I'll probably only want to eat stuff that is mentioned in the book. And obviously I won't know until about a week before so I'll know what the weather is like, but I'm still gonna hope for a picnic. Yes, in February. If you're wondering if I'm crazy, I'm thinking you've never been to this blog before...

Ok, one more thing.

Hey...psst! Guys! Guuuuuuys! Do you know what happens this week? No, not Thanksgiving. Pfft. Frozen comes out on Wednesday!!! I'm so excited! I honestly don't remember when I first heard about this movie, probably when they started casting since I'm a psychopath with anything related to Broadway, but I've been dying for it ever since. I mean, have you seen the cast list??? I'm drooling over it. Unfortunately I don't really know anyone who shares my obsessiveness, so I'm probably seeing it on Thanksgiving with my sister and her family. Since my four-year-old niece is the only person I know who's looking forward to it as much as I am. Can't wait!



What's everyone up to this week? Got any awesome Thanksgiving plans? And for the love of God, don't mention NaNo to me...

The Final Push

Well, it's almost the end of November, and I find myself realistically thinking about whether or not I'm going to finish my book for NaNoWriMo. And it's not looking good.

I've only written about 23,000 words. Even at my creative best, I can really only write about 1,000 words an hour. I'll admit it's hard for me to write anything when it's not the perfect word in my mind. I do a lot of blank page staring.

But honestly, it's a bigger problem than that. I just have no motivation for this book anymore. And yes, it's partially because I wrote the most intense scenes already and now it's more about filling in the gaps. I really have no desire to write the flashback scenes. The narrator's voice has been shaping itself a bit more, but really only during the most interesting moments. When he starts thinking, when he's worrying about what to do in a situation, it gets boring. I do love the first kiss scene--good lord, was that intense. See, it's better when there's action.

Sometimes when I think about trying to work on this book, I sort of cringe and try to avoid it. I do the dishes or watch TV. At best, I'll write about 300 words in a day. I just have no desire to work on it anymore.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I just want to get back to editing my other book. I really miss working on it. And I've wasted enough time NOT working on it, since, you know, it took me over two years to write the first draft. Plus I really, really miss writing in Jordan's voice. It's more fun. And I've worked on it for so long that I don't even have to think about it when I write as him. It just comes naturally. And it's not boring, unlike this stupid vampire narrator who doesn't know what the hell he wants. It's kind of like temporarily breaking up with your boyfriend for a month to go out with some other guy who turns out to be really boring.

So chances are, I'm not going to make it to 50,000. But tonight is WriteClub and I have to try! I don't have to necessarily finish the book, I just have to make the word count. But honestly, if I don't make it to 40,000 by tonight, I don't see it happening. So we'll see. I'm still going to try to get it done, or it least keep working on it until the end of November. Then I'll set it aside and get back to editing. And it'll always be there if I need a break.

Also, I was planning on running errands today but since it's raining and yucky out, that's really not gonna happen. So, more time for writing!

Things I'm Doing Today

It's time for another list! Because I don't have time for a real post! Kinda sorta like my fun facts. But instead, here's a list of the various writing and non-writing things I am doing today. Hope it's worth a chuckle.

Today I am:

• Working a double. Yay. 
• Looking forward to the next four days off! 
• Accepting the impending doom that is my NaNo defeat. I've barely gotten past 20,000 words. It's not looking good. But hey, four days off, you never know. 
• Procrastinating. On several things. Activating my new phone. Finding a hotel room for my trip. Grocery shopping. Not a lot of fruits, veggies, or pretty much anything to make dinner with, but there's lots of yogurt and waffles! 
• Totally cheating on my diet. I've lost about 8 pounds so far, but I also have absolutely no will power. Plus, you know, no food. Which results in either take out or bringing food home from work. So even the salads will make you fat. 
• Making a motivational playlist. It seemed like a good idea. I may or may not share it once it's done. Because, you know, spaz. 
• Geeking out that Catching Fire, the Doctor Who 50th anniversary special, and Frozen all premiere within a week of each other. And that week is almost here. So much geekery, so little time. 
• Feeling a serious need to go shoe shopping. I mean, it's getting cold. I need boots! Nice boots. With heels. In several colors. 
• Anticipating the end of NaNo and the return to editing. Really, really want to get my book query ready. Don't get me wrong, I like my NaNo book, but focusing completely on that is giving me withdrawals. 
• Still having absolutely no idea what to do for my 100th post. 

What is everyone else up to today? 

Title Troubles

I'm amazed that I've actually kept up with the blogging to stay on schedule. November might be my first perfect month ever (posting every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday). If I finish NaNo, this month will have been very productive. I still have no idea what to do for my 100th post. There's still time to figure it out, though.

I know I've talked about it before, and certainly other bloggers have as well, but I've been thinking about how hard it is to come up with a title. I tried some brainstorming this weekend, but it didn't go well. Every so often I'll think I'm on to something, but it never pans out. I'll usually have some smidgen of an idea, then go through the thesaurus (and the geometry textbook I got for $12 on Amazon) trying to find the words that fit that idea. And nothing ever seems right.

Titles are hard. You have to find some way to both summarize what your novel is about and draw in the reader so that they want to pick up your book in the first place. Sometimes it seems impossible. How could I possibly summarize my entire novel in just a few words, maybe even one?

When I first started my book as a short story, it had a title. That title worked. But as I developed the story into a novel, things changed. I pretty much eliminated any reference to that title, as well as any symbolic meaning that it held. It just wouldn't make sense anymore with how the novel stands now. Then there was the fiasco of the forced title, The Formula, which I feel is heading in the right direction but isn't there yet. I honestly think it needs to be more complex, because the novel itself, or the relationship that I'm writing about, is a complex one.

Maybe it's too complex. I try thinking about how I would describe my novel to other people (forgetting the fact that I usually just avoid the question), and it's always a long, drawn out explanation. I can't seem to simplify it. I could make a list of words that fit for it, but none of them stand out or fit together to make something that feels right.

Usually when I brainstorm, I just drive myself crazy and then give up on it entirely for months. Why is coming up with one phrase so much harder than writing an entire novel of complex words, characters, and situations? Will I just go insane trying to come up with one before I even get close?

It does kind of drive me nuts sometimes, which is why I avoid it. Maybe if I actually get that synopsis I've been talking so much about done, someone else will be able to look at it and come up with some ideas.

How do you guys come up with titles? Does it drive you insane? Is there such a thing as a perfect title?

Dealing with Fear

Oh, you thought I was going to tell you how to handle your fear? No, no, I have no idea how to do that. It’s too scary. This is more of an outpouring of my fears. 

Everyone’s afraid of stuff. Like spiders (what the hell do they need all those legs for?). But as a writer and blogger, I’m afraid of lots of things. It’s not the obvious things, either. Like rejection. No, I expect that. I’m not afraid of it. I think I’m afraid of actually succeeding. I’m afraid of things changing. I let my anxiety get the better of me.

I’m afraid of my own drive. That it’s too much for me to handle. That I couldn’t possibly have all my ridiculous dreams and fantasies come true without curling up into a ball and hiding from them. I’m way too much of an introvert, and yet I fantasize about book signings and writing plays and movies and winning awards and giving speeches. How is that ever going to work?

I’m afraid that even I don’t understand this pull I have to write gay fiction. I’m afraid that I’m encroaching on a culture that I have no right to be a part of. That people are going to hate me for this story. That I have absolutely no idea how to make a difference, to show that this is something I really care about besides making up stories. How is that enough?

I’m afraid to share my obsessions. My quirks. My favorite music, books, TV shows. The random celebrities I love. What turns me on. All the little things that make me who I am. I don’t know why. I guess the obvious answer is the fear of being judged. Like I’m afraid about you getting to know me because you won’t understand the way I am.

And yes, I’m afraid of people reading my book. I’m afraid to even tell people what it’s about (I’m working on that synopsis, I swear). That doesn’t mean that I still don’t want them to read it. God, do I want them to. I’ve never had such passion for a story in my life. I just don’t understand that passion.

I'm also afraid I'll never finish this NaNo book. But if you're interested, I put up a quick little excerpt on my page on the NaNo site. Also, I just really want to share my favorite line of dialogue so far, spoken by Benny, the human love interest to my vampire protagonist: "It's like I'm living the gay version of Twilight...which, ironically, still isn't as gay as Twilight..." 

Oh, and my tickets came yesterday! I was going to take a picture of them for you but then I was afraid that would be too silly. Plus, see above for the part about obsessions. Now I just have to plan the whole rest of the trip! No pressure, right? I’ll get around to it...

What things are you afraid of? Heights? Clowns? Or ten thousand rejection letters? 

The Sparkling Comment

Today I'm gonna talk about the influence of other people's comments on blog posts. And pimp some people out. 

But first! In case you were just dying to know, I did get my concert tickets. So Phase One of the Muse-iversary New York Adventure is complete! Phase Two was asking my boss if I could have President's Day off, so I could make it a two night trip and not be rushing around to only do one thing. He just sort of chuckled evilly and said, "As long as you work Valentine's Day..." Yeah, like I really thought I was getting out of that one, anyway. So Phase Two is complete. I'm not sure what Phase Three is at this point (Profit!), probably finding a hotel and getting bus tickets and blah blah blah. The more fun part is finding book-related things to do. Like, maybe a trip to the Met (do you think my boyfriend would mind? We've already been twice...). And a picnic in February is totally plausible, right? 

Geez I really have the tendency to ramble, don't I? 

So! Comments! If you're like me, you put a blog post out there and you spend the rest of the day stalking Blogger or your email for comments. I absolutely love getting comments. I crave them. It's fun to interact with other bloggers, and when someone leaves a comment it shows that they really took the time to read your post and put some thought into how they would respond. Plus, it gives me the chance to check out their blogs and learn something new, since I always like to return the favor. 

It's exciting to get a new person commenting. You've probably never seen their blog before so you have something new to check out. It's a good way to meet other bloggers. It's also just as great to have some bloggers who always check out your posts and leave a comment. You'll usually get some attention for your more insightful posts, but it's also nice to have people respond no matter what you're writing about. Quick shout out to two of my favorite blogging buddies, Aaron Browder and Casey Lynn Clark, who almost always leave a comment on my blog, even when I'm rambling about absolutely nothing. You guys are awesome!

I have an interesting story. Last Wednesday for my Insecure Writer's Support Group post (which you should also check out, by the way, it's the most awesome of all the blog hops), I talked about my insecurities over whether or not to let people read the first draft of my book. A lot of people have asked me, "When can I read it?" and I'm not sure if I'm ready. Since it was IWSG day, I got more comments than usual. And almost every single one said that I should get a second draft ready before giving it to anyone. I did want advice, because I was so uncertain, but I'll admit I was a little disappointed. I've been working on this story for a long time and I'd really like for people to read it. But after reading the advice of other writers, I thought, ok, they're right, it's not ready and I shouldn't give it out. 

But then I got one last comment. I was actually checking my email on my phone leaving work after a double. I had to stop and stare at it for a while. It was the sort of comment you don't get every day. It sparkled, it outshone all of the other comments that came before it. This comment was from David P. King, and I feel I have to share it to do it justice: 

This may sound awful and I don’t mean it to, but I’ve come to learn that there are many types of readers – some casual, some critical. And I tend to let my casual readers be my alphas and those who will dissect every last sentence my betas. This helps spot the obvious problems first and the tiny ones become more noticeable while editing the next draft. Do share your story with others, especially those who are willing to help…

Whoa. I was completely thrown back by this comment. David was saying what no one else was, and it made perfect sense to me. Why not let some people read? Most of the people who have asked to read are coworkers, who are just interested in the fact that I wrote a book at all, especially after my years of working on it. These are not people who are desperate to critique, who will be able to rip it apart. That's not even what I need right now. I'm perfectly capable of ripping it apart all on my own. Once I've fixed everything that I feel is wrong with it, that's when I'll need people to point out what I missed. 

Maybe what I need right now is just that sort of confidence boost of someone reading it at all. Even if it's complete garbage, if they find just one moment that they love, then it'll be worth it. If they find things wrong that I haven't noticed yet, that will be worth it, too. 

So I've made the decision to share, probably with the people who keep bugging me at work about it. I do need to do a tiny bit of editing, basically fix all the parts that I'd be embarrassed to have someone read. But nothing too extreme. I kinda just want to put it out there. I'm not sure who my beta readers will be yet, maybe I'll seek out some former coworkers from the bookstore who are avid writers and readers. Who knows? But at least right now I have a starting point. 

Monday Morning Ramblings

I don't have any set topic for today and I've got a lot of things on my mind so I think a rambling post is in order.

I'm up way too early and having an anxiety attack. But the good kind. I'm waiting for tickets for the American Songbook series to go on sale. Technically, they go on sale tomorrow, but not if you like their Facebook page! So I'm just sitting here waiting. I have a hunch they'll go on sale at 10, but since they haven't actually said so, I must stalk the page all morning. I know, I'm a complete spaz. But if I get tickets to this particular show, I get to plan a really awesome trip to New York for my three year muse-iversary! (Since, you know, last year's was so successful and everything). Hey, when the universe tells you to do something, you don't question it.

The great thing about being up early, though, is that I get to watch Buffy.

Speaking of vampires, I guess I'll talk about my NaNo progress. As you can probably tell from my abundant enthusiasm, it's not going very well. I've had trouble focusing lately. Between that and work, I'm about 5,000 words behind of where I should be. If I can get back the same momentum I had on the first day, I should be able to get back on track. Right now it's kind of discouraging, though.

I realized something last night that could potentially be pretty awesome. I'm getting close to my 100th post here (this one is the 85th). And if (and this is a pretty big if) I post on every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday until I get there, my 100th post would be on Monday, December 16. And well, because I'm a spaz, remember? Why don't I just reschedule that for the day before, December 15, because guess what day that is! Yup, it's Jordan's birthday. If I could have my 100th post on my muse's birthday, well, that would be pretty damn awesome. The only problem is that I actually have to stick to my blogging schedule. I can't miss a single post. It's going to be tricky. It's going to take a lot of ideas and a lot more motivation. Because, that's right, the universe has spoken!

Do you think I can stick to my blogging schedule? Anyone else being a spaz about anything? Falling behind on NaNo? Or just watching Buffy? Crickets?

Having Some NaNo Issues

I almost forgot to blog today! Work was blah, and I have to be back tomorrow morning at 7 for some lame meeting. Also, I sliced my thumb open last night on a can lid (not stitches worthy, but still pretty bad). So I'm only functioning with one good hand. Hey, I really don't mind reenacting scenes from my book, but the part where Jordan cuts his finger while chopping vegetables and blood gets everywhere--not my first choice! I do love that scene, though...

Anyhoo, I thought I'd check in with my NaNoWriMo progress. It WAS going really great, but I've fallen behind in the past few days. Not ridiculously behind, but I'm not exactly happy about it. Maybe the fact that my narrator has a weak voice is bothering me. I'm not exactly going for a masterpiece here, but I do want to get it done and I still want it to be a good story.

I pretty much know exactly what my problem is. I wrote the first two chapters in order, then started jumping around writing random scenes. Mostly the ones that I've been playing over in my mind since I came up with this story. Which is ok, I guess, in that I'm getting out the ideas I already have, and it's ok if I fill in the gaps later.

Well, it would be ok, if I wasn't already writing all the good parts. Seriously, all the violence, suspense, kidnappings, bad guy staking, and man on man snuggling (hey, I'm leaning more YA here, nothing too sexy). All of it! All the good parts! Guess what happens when I write all of the good parts? They're done! And I know what you're going to say, everything should at least be interesting, if not intense. I'm just worried about getting bored. I'm avoiding the flashbacks altogether. I know it's because I don't want to write them. But they're part of the characters' background stories that need to be told. If I don't add the flashbacks, you'd wonder why these characters are in the situation they're in, and how they became vampires in the first place.

I just don't want to write all the parts that I find interesting and then get bored and give up entirely. I guess that's why falling behind on the word count is discouraging. As long as I stay ahead, I'll have more motivation to finish. But why am I wasting my time writing this blog? I could be writing my NaNo book! See ya!

How is everyone else doing on their NaNo books? Having issues, too?

Second Draft Woes

It's that time again! The first Wednesday of every month is the Insecure Writer's Support Group day. Check out Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog to learn more!

There’s plenty for me to be insecure about lately. I’m insecure about my NaNo book, but I think Jordan pretty much covered that on Monday. So I’m aware of what isn’t working, and I’m just trying to push through with it, hoping that my narrator grows a backbone.

What I’m really insecure about is diving in to the second draft of my newly finished novel. For several reasons. The first of which is that editing is scary! It’s so different from writing a first draft. The first draft is fun; it’s passionate. It’s all about words flying onto the page and not worrying about how perfect they are. Well, editing is more about hard work. It’s about getting those words to be perfect. I don’t even know if that’s possible. In poetry, people say that the work is never really done. A poet can even look at a piece they’ve published and think of ways to make it better. Is the same true for fiction? There’s a lot more to work with, so you’d think that every time you looked at one page you’d find a word or two to change. So when does it end?

I’m also nervous because I really want people to read my story, and I’ve had some people express interest in it, but I’m afraid to give it to them. I don’t know if I should wait until I have a second draft. But then I think, wouldn’t it be easier to combine my own edits with whatever critiques they have, rather than doing two revisions? But there are some portions that I know need to be fixed. There are some parts that embarrass me and I don’t want anyone to read yet. I know Chapter Eight needs a complete overhaul. The setting doesn’t feel developed enough. I’m still uncomfortable with the sex scene. And some of my potential readers are gay men, so I have this fear in the back of my mind that they’re going to tell me how wrong every single aspect is, not just with the sex scene, but with how the characters act and well, everything!

So I’m not sure what to do. Give my first draft out or fix everything that I know is wrong with it first? 

But I’m just dying to get some readers who aren’t my boyfriend who just says everything is wonderful. I’m having these fantasies of going into work and having someone come up to me and say, “I just finished Chapter Twelve and I hate you,” or “Oh my God…that fight scene…I was in tears!” I want it so bad. But what if I don’t get that? What if everyone hates it? Or thinks I’m some kind of weird pervert for coming up with it in the first place? 

I don't know what to do but I guess this is just the sort of thing I'll have to deal with when I actually publish it. Some people are going to love it, some will hate it. Some people will get what I was trying to say, others will think it's sick and wrong. I'm still hesitant to give it out even though I think for the most part it's a good story, just with a few hiccups. But I also feel I should give it out now while people are still interested, before they forget all about it and don't care anymore.

What do you think? Should I give out my first draft or edit first? Anyone else going through the second draft woes? 

Jordan Takes Over: Creating a Voice

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance. **

Sarah wanted to write a quick little paragraph to introduce this post but guess what? I get one post a month and it’s MINE. So no. No no no. I’m plenty good at explaining things.

But first, holy shit I haven’t posted since we finished the book! No one has given me any credit! You know it’s not entirely my fault that it took so long, right? But we won’t get into that. I mean, yeah, the end was tough, but I don’t think everyone is just peachy spilling their guts over how they lost their virginity. So there. But yeah, it’s done! I won’t get into the second draft woes. She’ll probably write about that on Wednesday. *heavy sigh*

So I guess we’re taking a break to write about VAMPIRES. Ugh. Whatever. It’s only a month. But it’s kind of like being in a relationship with someone for a while and then they turn to you and say, “Oh by the way, honey, I love this super lame thing and you have to love it, too!” And you’re stuck.

But anyway, we’ve been writing away on this thing for only three days and she’s already having doubts about it. I mean, like, put on the brakes and give up sort of doubts. Because she’s got good ideas, but they’re just not translating to the page the way she wanted. As usual, I figured out the problem right away. And it’s all about voice.

The problem is the narrator, Alex. He’s a wimp. He’s not even a good vampire and he can’t decide who or what he’s attracted to—boys, girls, or just someone whose blood smells tasty. He refuses to kill anyone and that’s really what gets him into trouble with the bad guy, who’s still nameless, by the way. Needless to say, I don’t like him. And I had absolutely nothing to do with creating him, thank you very much.

The other characters are cool. Jackelyn is the best—she used to be a slayer who tried to kill Alex and when he beat her instead of letting her die he turned her into a vampire. So since they’re eternally linked or whatever, or because she just wants to annoy him to get revenge, they live together. And she kinda still wants to kill him. Benny, the love interest, isn’t exactly a strong character, but he’s well developed. He’s sort of fragile and naïve, and he was abused as a kid and is afraid of the dark. I mean, come on, you’re dating a vampire and you’re afraid of the dark? That’s some complex stuff right there. Oh, and the baddy is just sadistic for the sake of being sadistic. Who doesn’t love that?

I’m getting off track here. I’m supposed to be talking about voice. Your character’s voice is never gonna come to you instantly. No, not even mine. When Sarah first wrote the short story about me, guess what? It sounded like a girl’s voice. It takes a while to craft a unique voice. The first step with me was to just throw in a bunch of f-bombs and then we worked from there. Now it’s hard for her to NOT write in my voice. It’s like second nature. It’s probably because I’m so awesome. Does my voice annoy you? I’m not as bad in the book, I swear.

So I know why this book is bothering her so much. Alex doesn’t have his own voice yet. Sure, it’s fine for the character to be wishy-washy because that’s something for him to overcome. But his voice shouldn’t be, and right now it is. There’s nothing very striking about it, nothing to distinguish him from anybody else. But honestly, we’re probably not going to make it perfect AND get the whole book done within a month. The best thing we can do is make the story interesting, and then if she wants to go back and edit, then we can craft the voice into something better.

But if she keeps WORRYING about it, then nothing is going to get done. Nothing. We just need to go with it.

JP

NaNo is Here! Gay Vampires, Shorter Chapters, and Why I'll Always Be a Pantser

The time has come! It’s finally November 1!!! The first day of NaNoWriMo. I’m so excited to finally be doing this. I just hope I’ll have enough time to get it done.

I guess I’ll start by revealing the plot of my NaNo book, since I’ve been so psychotically secretive about it. You might as well know it all. Here’s the synopsis I’ll be posting on my NaNo page for Blood Lust (Blech. Titles. Why do they vex me so?):

Alex is still breaking in his fangs. The vampire who made him is long gone, and he’s stuck with Jackelyn, his psychotic protégé—a former slayer who may still want to kill him. With only two years of being a vampire, he’s taking immortality one night at a time. But after saving a boy from a group of bullies, everything changes. Benny is shy and a little damaged. And he’s gay. For some reason Alex feels drawn to him, and is now forced to question his sexuality along with his existence. When he finally accepts the relationship for what it is, a new threat arises when an older vampire comes into town, wanting to probe into every aspect of Alex’s life. Now Alex must protect his human companion and prove his love, not only to an unbeatable enemy, but to himself.

Thaaaaaaaaaaat’s right. I’m combining my love of fantasy with my love of gay fiction. Someone had to have seen this coming. Besides my sixteen-year-old self. This all started with a really bad short story that I wrote, and then I tried to develop the characters more, but it just never worked out. But it always stayed in the back of my mind, and now I feel like I’ve finally figured it all out.

Obviously my NaNo book is going to be completely self-indulgent. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think it’s a good story. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, plotting out scenes in my mind, repeating lines of dialogue over and over so that I would remember them. But I haven’t written down a single word. I’m really a pantser when it comes to writing a book. I don’t like to outline. I don’t usually even write in order.

My favorite thing about a new story is to imagine the scenes in my head like a movie, sort of indulging myself with the story before I write it down. If you can’t enjoy your own ideas, then how can you expect other people to enjoy them? The images will usually plague me until I get the words down, and then they’ll be gone. Since these scenes will relentlessly bother me until they’re written, I don’t really worry about forgetting them. It’s actually bittersweet to write them down and let them go, but I can always go back and reread.

For a while I’ve thought about plotting out Blood Lust, maybe making an outline or just writing down ideas for a few scenes. But every time I tried, it just didn’t feel right. Because that’s really not my style. And I’ve learned not to fight my instincts when it comes to writing. They’re usually right.

Some good news! On the editing front, I had an intense two days of marking up my manuscript, and managed to get through the whole thing. It was like editing boot camp, with the muse as a drill instructor, screaming, “What do you mean you’re hungry????!! Food is for wimps! Pick up the goddamn pen!!!” (Side note, Jordan says he could never be a real drill instructor. Too much distracting eye candy.) Surprisingly, there aren’t really any scenes that I feel need to be cut. Several that need to be rewritten of course, or trimmed down, but everything feels necessary to the story.

What I have realized is that my chapters are waaaaaaaaaay too long. I need to break them up. For the most part, I think each individual scene could work as its own chapter. My next step before rewriting will be an outline of sorts (gasp!), writing down each scene with a brief summary, maybe on notecards. I’ll be able to see what scenes can stand on their own, maybe shuffle a few around, and, the most exciting part, writing a few new scenes to fill in the gaps. If I can somehow manage to balance this with NaNoWriMo, I think I’ll have a second draft by the end of the year. Then I’ll probably get some readers and maybe even start querying. Ahh! Scary times.

Well, I’ve got to start cranking out my NaNo book. I’ve got work all this weekend, so I’m aiming for 3,000 words then I’ll do a lot more during the week. Of course, Jordan will be taking over on Monday for his monthly post. I have no idea what he’ll be writing about, so that probably means he doesn’t either. Now that’s scary. 

An Abundance of Symbolism

I was a sophomore in high school when we read Lord of the Flies. It was a long, grueling unit filled with endless discussions and essay topics. We would even take paragraphs and break down every single word to show how they symbolized this or that. Every word in the book had its place. This sort of thing happened a lot in high school English classes: they want you to pick out themes and symbols and figure out what the author was really trying to say.

Well, I wasn't buying it. I'd been writing since I was eight years old and I had not once tried to put any symbolism in anything I had written. I was convinced that no writer ever actually did this on purpose, and that English teachers just found all these things in books to give us more work. I thought all writers really did was tell stories. Anything else was accidental.

If I could go back and talk to my sophomore self, I'd probably slap her. Because I love, love, LOVE symbolism. Of course writers put it into their stories on purpose! We're geniuses. But she was half right. Sometimes it is accidental. But that doesn't mean we don't notice it.

I use a ton of symbolism and other devices to weave a more intricate story. Remember how I subtly use cannibalism to be symbolic? Yes, on the surface, you're just telling a story. You've got characters and setting and plot. But underneath is where all the juicy stuff lies. Stuff that not everyone may even notice. I think that's the most fun part about it.

Most often, symbolism is used in the form of an object representing a more abstract idea. That doesn't mean you have to limit yourself to whatever is lying around your character's house. I feel that underneath my main story line is an intricate web of linking moments, characters who mirror each other, words that are repeated a specific number of times. And if you brush up on your Ancient Greek history, you might know exactly why I have a scene where my characters are looking at statues in a museum.

Sometimes it works the other way around. Sometimes I have to figure out why I put a particular object in a scene and then figure out how I can make it work in a symbolic way. If I didn't find a way to make them work, they would seem awkward and out of place. Like any other moment in your novel, there needs to be a reason for it. You don't want to have something there just for the hell of it.

Symbolism and other literary devices can be a lot of fun if you know how to make them work for your story. I could ramble for days about it, and probably will again. Hopefully this made at least a little sense. :)

Breaking Promises and NaNo is in a Week???? Whaaaa?

I almost made a promise at the end of my last blog post. I was planning on writing up a quick synopsis for my WIP (doesn't seem like a fitting title anymore, Editing in Progress? Work in Post Progress? Work in Grueling Never-ending Not a Whole Lot of Progress?). You know, to fully explain all of my vague descriptions of plot and for all those people who have asked me "what's your book about?" Luckily, I made no such promise, because I don't really feel like it today. I know it's going to take a bit of time to get it just right. So all I will promise is that I will eventually at some point post it. When? I don't know. But soon.

I think it's important not to make promises when it comes to blogging. Even if they're small, even if you don't have a lot of blog followers, it's not a good idea because you might not always be able to deliver. I've done this a few times--you know, the "stay tuned and I'll explain everything on Monday" sort of thing. Well, what if someone was really looking forward to that Monday post? And what if it never happened? And then you come back on Friday apologizing and offering excuses. Yeah, 'cause I've never done that or anything.

You need to be able to keep people's attention. If you break a promise, they may stop checking out your blog altogether because they won't trust you anymore. Chances are it isn't nearly as serious as this, but you never know. You wouldn't want to lose even one follower just because you were too tired to keep a promise you made a few days ago.

It's important to really think things through. If you already have the next post written, then it's ok to promise it. If you're just planning on it, it might be better to not say anything. You may change your mind and not want to write that post at all. It's happened to me before. Luckily I didn't make any promises on the blog, but I have said on Twitter something like, "I think I'll post about this tomorrow!" And then the next day changed my mind. Sometimes the idea doesn't seem as appealing or even feels embarrassing to write about.

Anyway, I've rambled way too much about this. It's only a week until NaNoWriMo!!!! I'm working next Friday night (boo!) so I won't be able to participate in #writeclub. But I think I'll request Friday nights off for the rest of the month. The writing sprints usually help me get a lot done.

All right, since it's only a week away, I guess it's time to reveal something big about my NaNo idea. GENRE. In case you didn't figure it out by Jordan's incessant hinting, it's...drum roll please...VAMPIRES!!!!! I'm so excited to be going back to my fantasy roots. But there is a twist, as well, so that this story will tie in all of the things I love to write. It's hard to decide on a genre on the NaNo site, as they've got Fantasy as well as Horror & Supernatural. I wish I could pick several genres. Oh well, I'll figure it out.

I guess I'll throw in some bonus info, too. My super awful, probably been done a million times, pending title for my NaNo book is Blood Lust. Yeah, I know, it's terrible. But at least it's something.

How do you feel about breaking promises? Excited for NaNo? Are vampires Fantasy or Horror? And do you still need a NaNo buddy? My NaNo name is sarahafoster. Let's buddy up!

To Blog or Not to Blog

My goal for this blog is to post something every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Most of the time, however, that doesn't happen. For all of my various excuses, I think I've really narrowed it down to two.

The first reason we'll call exhaustion. I think this covers both long work days (like my 13 hour shift last Monday) and just generally being tired. So even if I have time to write a blog, sometimes I'm just too tired to actually do it. I know this isn't a very good excuse, but I'm sure most of you can also relate. Also, the solution to this problem is pretty obvious. I need to write my posts ahead of time. I could even type the posts up on Blogger and just save them rather than posting. Then on the posting day, just click Publish. It's that simple.

Of course, it's easier said than done. Finding the time to get a bunch of blog posts done is difficult, especially when there's editing and NaNo prep, and well, life. And there's also the problem that is my second reason for not blogging regularly: not having any ideas.

I think my two problems are combined most of the time, actually, but it's the second one that really stops me from blogging. How do you blog when your mind is blank? When there are no ideas that pop up, nothing interesting going on to tell everyone about. I'm in between things right now, I finished my book and I'm waiting for November to start my NaNo book. So there's nothing going on right now. I haven't gotten deep enough into editing to offer any progress or advice. So what the hell do I write about?

That was my problem for today and answering that question will only work for this one post. If I have the same problem on Friday, then maybe I won't blog at all. Which leads to me to an even bigger question: is it better to not blog or to blog about nothing?

I suppose the obvious answer is that you must, under any and all circumstances, blog something. Surely you can find something to talk about, even if you're just rambling about life in general. I guess the only problem with that is that you still want your blog to have some focus. I write about writing, so if I'm not writing, then what do I write about? What sort of topics are going to intrigue my followers or anyone who stumbles upon my blog or my tweets to actually read through to the end? Should I be writing about more topics, things that interest me or relate to my writing somehow? I really don't know. But it is something I've been thinking about.

So what do you think? Blog or not blog? Where do you get ideas from? Should I expand on the things I write about?

Post Book Stress Disorder

I know, I know, I said I would blog on Monday. I forgot that I also had to work thirteen hours that day. Yeah, that was fun. I don't really have an excuse for the other days, except maybe exhaustion.

Anyway, I feel like I'm having some sort of anxiety attack. And I have no idea why. I don't think it's because I have to go back to work tomorrow for a twelve hour shift. It might be because I feel like I've wasted my two days off, not accomplishing much besides watching a couple movies and a trip to Wal-Mart. It might also be because I have no idea what to do next.

Maybe this is all subconscious. Maybe being in the stage where my book wasn't finished was a safe place. Now I have the daunting task of editing, then query letters, then rejections. It's terrifying.

But this is supposed to be a happy time! And it is, really. I'm glad the book is done. I suppose I should start with the tale of how I finished. Last Friday, a miracle occurred, and not in that I finished the book, but that I had the day off. Since my boyfriend was going out, mostly my plans consisted of eating leftover chicken tacos and watching a movie on demand that I'd been dying to see. But I also figured I had time for writing.

Back during my vacation in July, I discovered the magical Twitter hashtag that is #writeclub (check out the website here). At the time, a small group of writers were using it nightly, but its real purpose is for Friday nights. This is when writers get together and write for 30 minute sprints, not stopping until time is up. It runs for at least twelve hours, starting at 7 PM UK time. So that's 2 PM for me. And I thought I'd get an early start in the afternoon, then do my planned activities and get back to writing late night when my inspiration is really at its best.

What I didn't plan for was the muse being so active. On the first sprint I joined, I stared at the blank screen for at least five minutes. I couldn't think of how to start my last chapter. Then I thought to myself, "It isn't going well." And then I typed it. And it just seemed to work. It's exactly how Jordan feels at this point in the book, about his relationship, about his life in general. This sparked a whole scene in my head, a discussion with his best friend, Eric, who usually ends up being unintentionally insightful. And so the words started flowing.

And I just kept writing. I only stopped once to have dinner (yes, tacos). I never watched my movie. The breaks between the writing sprints were agonizing because I just wanted to keep going. I would cheat and write a few sentences when I wasn't supposed to be writing at all. And, by some other miracle, at exactly ten minutes before midnight, I typed out the last line. At this moment, I think I had a good panic attack. I couldn't breathe for a moment. The last line, which I had never once envisioned, was perfect. The ending was heartfelt and sad, but real. The sex scene, which certainly wasn't perfect, still had a good balance of vagueness to vulgarity. You only know what the narrator is comfortable telling you. All in all, it was a good wrap up for the entire novel, the main theme saying not that you should embrace every aspect of who you are, but that you are helpless to fight it. I know, it's a bit daunting, but while it's not a happy ending, it is an ending of acceptance.

So it was done. First my Twitter account was bombarded with congratulations, then after I announced the event on Facebook, several coworkers offered their support over the next few days. Of course, it was often followed by the inevitable, "what's your book about???" that I'm always too terrified to answer. But that's probably another issue entirely.

Well now it's been a week. I've let the joy settle and now I'm really starting to think about editing and finally deciding on a title. It goes between excitement and mind-numbing fear. And that's probably why I'm stressed out. I know I should also be plotting out my NaNo book, but part of me also just wants to write it out of thin air once November 1 hits. I'd love to join #writeclub tonight, but I don't actually have anything to write. Just a whole lot of editing. I do want to also write a brief synopsis that I can post on here so that my readers can actually know what the book is about besides all my constant vague references.

So I've got editing, I've got NaNo. I want to write poetry again and even personal essays. There's a lot to do. Strangely enough, I think the last two sentences of my novel are quite appropriate, despite the fact that there's still a lot of work to do, and I'll never really move on:

What's left, anyway, after something is complete? You just move on to the next thing. 

THE BOOK IS DONE

Yes, you read that correctly. I didn't want to save this news for Monday. After about two and a half years of bitching and moaning and not getting much done, I finally finished a complete first draft of my novel. There are fireworks going off in my head. Anyway, I'll come back on Monday to explain more.

Next stop: TITLE! But probably NaNoWriMo first because coming up with a title for this book is a bitch....

Points, Pounds, and Prose

Let the counting begin!

It’s now my fifth day on Weight Watchers. I did it once before, about three or four years ago, with great results. I don’t quite remember how many pounds I lost at the time, but I remember how much I gained back. I mostly blame my job. I don’t think I should mention where exactly I work, but I’ll say it’s in a restaurant that has very fattening food and even worse desserts. And by worse I mean delicious. And I have absolutely no will power. So I’ve gained roughly 30 pounds working there, despite the fact that it’s such a physically demanding job that I should literally be working my ass off.

I only quit WW before because I was unemployed and couldn’t afford to keep going to meetings or buy all the fruits and veggies that you’re required to eat. Let’s face it, the foods that are bad for you are also the cheapest. But since I’ve recently come in to some money, I figured a great way to spend some of it would be to better myself.

It’s a lot of work. But since I think I’m pretty fixated on food, it’s a good program for me. You have to keep track of what you’re eating, making healthier choices and getting in specific servings of fruits and veggies, dairy, etc. And I’m taking vitamins. If I could only get myself to floss…

Something else I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is word count! In order to win NaNoWriMo, your novel has to meet at least 50,000 words. I haven’t quite mapped out a schedule yet, and it will probably be hard to do so since I get my work schedule less than a week before it begins. So it’ll probably be a day by day process. But I have begun mapping out my novel. I’m even finally breaking in my free trial of Scrivener. We’ll see how it all goes.

I thought I’d reveal something about my NaNo book with every blog post until November 1, when I’ll post my synopsis on my page there (I’m still fine tuning it, actually). Something that I’ll have to use in this particular story that I’ve never used before are flashbacks. There are some details about my protagonist that while they aren’t essential for the plot line itself, they are necessary in order to understand the character and his situation. Like, if I left these things unanswered, the reader would be confused. They’d want answers. But I think flashbacks can be tricky. Certainly I’ve alluded to the past with other stories before, but that’s usually not more than a few sentences. For this particular book, I’ll have to include whole scenes of flashbacks.

I’ll probably be able to write more on the subject of flashbacks once I actually write them. I do think you have to find a good balance, not overdoing it and finding the right spot to include each one. The flashback should be relevant to what’s happening in the present.

Oh! I almost forgot! If you want to be buddies on the NaNoWriMo site, check out my page here (which I promise to develop more): http://nanowrimo.org/participants/sarahafoster

Jordan Takes Over: Musing Around

**The first Monday of every month, I let my muse take over the blog. I apologize in advance...**

Did you miss me? I know you did.

So. Business. Blech. This will be short, though. We’re gonna be doing a revamping of the whole Muse Mondays thing soon, so that it’s more concrete and easier for other people to do. But not right now. We’re way too busy. Trying to finish this book, right? Then stupid NaNoWriMo, which she just insists on doing, and I guess I have to help. So I’m thinking December-ish. Just in time for my birthday! So think about what you’re all getting me.

There’s supposed to be a point to this, right? A certain point to each post I make. Like, I’m supposed to give you some insight from the point of view of a muse and character. Well, I don’t really feel like it. I mean, why do I need to solve your problems anyway? So I’ve got no major points to make today, no writing tips or advice. I’ll save that for the writer.

I want to spoil this whole NaNoWriMo thing sooooooo bad. But she’d kill me. I mean, like really, she could kill me off (pfft yeah right, I could barely say that with a straight face). But I’ll give you some little tidbits. Well the great thing about being a muse is that I can dig through memories and old projects and find some juicy stuff that we can make even better. So it’s something old. Something she started when she was a teenager, but didn’t have nearly the amount of insight or, ahem, inspiration that she does now. It started out as a really bad short story and a few cute but not well plotted vignettes. But we’re taking the characters and giving them whole new life. Or death, for some. Get it yet? I can’t say anything more. I’ll get in trouble. Wouldn’t want to get BITTEN or anything.

I swear I’ll come up with a better idea for next month’s post. I’m open to ideas, too. Like, what would you want your muse to explain to you? Why they exist? Why they’re such assholes? Or what would you want to ask your characters? We’re like real people, just living in a world that you designed. That’s some crazy philosophical shit, right? 

JP

Crazy Super Awesome Goals

Time for a quickie. Yeah, I said it. I regret nothing.

I was just browsing through some tweets this morning when NaNoWriMo came up. And as usual, I thought to myself, "pfft I'm not doing that." I've really only tried to write an entire novel in the month of November once, when I was still in high school, and I gave up rather quickly. There's the usual excuses, I don't have time, I don't have any ideas, which are of course true. But isn't the whole point of NaNoWriMo to push yourself, to make it happen? To go beyond the lame excuses that you let yourself get away with during the rest of the year?

Anyway, since I've tried to get more serious about my writing after college, I've considered doing it. The problem was always that I already had another novel in progress, one that I certainly didn't want to interrupt. And I never had any other ideas that were good enough to try.

Well yesterday I wrote about a page and a half of my sex scene for the final chapter. It's handwritten and in a smaller notebook, but at least it's something. I've started to make some progress. So really, I don't see any problem with finishing the whole book by the end of October. There goes my first excuse.

So what about the second? Well, it just so happens that I came up with an idea for a novel about a month or so ago, one that I think I actually could write quickly. I've only written the first paragraph, but I've played out the scenes for pretty much the entire plot in my head over and over again. The best part is that this is a story that combines my two favorite genres. If you don't know what those are, you'll have to stick around to find out (insert evil laugh). But the whole thing is rather sexy and suspenseful and I've only put off writing it to finish my current WIP.

So! My goals are to finish my WIP by the end of the month and to FINALLY do NaNoWriMo. And I mean actually do it, not just say I'm going to, or write a few chapters and give up. I mean, the whole thing. Hopefully everything will work out.

Oh, I need to give a shout out to my former muse, Amber, because today's her birthday. I swear I'll get back to her story eventually. I had a dream once that she and Jordan met up and we were all going to go to a carnival. I have no idea what it meant.

The Stupid Sex Scene

Ok, so I've decided it's about damn time to kick my butt back into regular blogging. And what better day to start! It's time for another Insecure Writer's Support Group post. Check out Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog to learn more. 

Lately I’ve been insecure about a lot of things. What I want to do with my life, what sort of career I should be pursuing, how to get back into blogging and trying to do something with the piles and piles of poetry that I’ve written.

But mostly it’s this stupid sex scene.

Ok, really, it’s more about finishing the book in general. It’s about figuring out how the book should end. Because obviously I know what needs to happen (sex scene, duh), but it’s a bit more difficult figuring out why it happens. As I was writing the book, whenever I would think about the ending I would always say to myself that I would know what to do when I got there. That I just couldn’t picture the ending without getting through the rest of the plot first. Well, now I’m here, and I still don’t know.

And yes, there’s also the sort of physical mechanics of the sex scene that are bothering me. I still don’t know how vague or graphic to make it. I feel like going in between will be some sort of cop out. Making it vague might make sense to the plot, but I feel like it would also disappoint my readers if they go through the book waiting for the juiciest part and it just fizzles out. But writing a straightforward, graphic scene doesn’t feel right either. I mean, I haven’t exactly held back in any descriptions before in the book, but none of those were actual sex scenes. There was always a limit.

I try to tell myself constantly, “Ok, just write it one way and see if it works. If it doesn’t, try another.” But every time I even try picturing the end, it’s like my brain shuts off. Like it’s just too difficult to deal with and figure out. And I’d rather just watch TV or something. But I want, no, need to finish this freaking book, like, right now. I just can't figure out how to do it. 

I suppose the best thing to do is just to write and write, and write some more. Even if it's horrible. Because then at least there will be something. Even if I have to rack my brain for twenty minutes just to get one sentence down. It's better than nothing. And if I keep trying, maybe I can figure it out. 

Losing My Motivation

Hey, everyone! First off, I want to thank everyone who left comments on my last post, as well as all of my followers for putting up with my absence. It means a lot to me. I know I said I'd be back right away but that's kind of what today's post is about. Today's the day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Check out Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog to learn more.

I guess I'm insecure about my motivation. I just don't have any. A little over a month ago I was just one chapter away from finishing my novel and couldn't have been more excited. Now I'm still in the same position, but not excited at all. And certainly not moving forward.

I haven't wanted to write, blog, or even tweet lately. It seems that all I have the motivation to do is go to work and then spend my free time rotting in my apartment watching Netflix with my boyfriend. I don't feel depressed, but I'm sure on some subconscious level I am. I'm not sure if I've fully processed my mom's passing. I feel fine most of the time, then I'll have a moment here and there when I'll feel sad but then I'll move on from it. It still doesn't feel real.

I guess lately I just don't want to do anything. I didn't even want to write this blog. I still think about my book a lot and how I'd like to end it. I think I might also be avoiding it just because finishing it is hard. There's still a lot to figure out. But I really need to finish it.

Maybe I can't just sit around waiting for my motivation to come back. Maybe I just have to push through and get the words out even if I don't want to. Because in the end it will be worth it.