Oh, you thought I
was going to tell you how to handle your fear? No, no, I have no idea how
to do that. It’s too scary. This is more of an outpouring of my fears.
Everyone’s afraid of stuff. Like spiders (what the hell do they need all those legs for?). But as a
writer and blogger, I’m afraid of lots of things. It’s not the obvious things, either. Like
rejection. No, I expect that. I’m not afraid of it. I think I’m afraid of
actually succeeding. I’m afraid of things changing. I let my anxiety get the
better of me.
I’m afraid of my own drive. That it’s too much for
me to handle. That I couldn’t possibly have all my ridiculous dreams and
fantasies come true without curling up into a ball and hiding from them. I’m
way too much of an introvert, and yet I fantasize about book signings and
writing plays and movies and winning awards and giving speeches. How is that
ever going to work?
I’m afraid that even I don’t understand this pull I
have to write gay fiction. I’m afraid that I’m encroaching on a culture that I have
no right to be a part of. That people are going to hate me for this story. That
I have absolutely no idea how to make a difference, to show that this is
something I really care about besides making up stories. How is that enough?
I’m afraid to share my obsessions. My quirks. My favorite
music, books, TV shows. The random celebrities I love. What turns me on. All
the little things that make me who I am. I don’t know why. I guess the obvious
answer is the fear of being judged. Like I’m afraid about you getting to know
me because you won’t understand the way I am.
And yes, I’m afraid of people reading my book. I’m
afraid to even tell people what it’s about (I’m working on that synopsis, I
swear). That doesn’t mean that I still don’t want them to read it. God, do I want
them to. I’ve never had such passion for a story in my life. I just don’t
understand that passion.
I'm also afraid I'll never finish this NaNo book. But if you're interested, I put up a quick little excerpt on my page on the NaNo site. Also, I just really want to share my favorite line of dialogue so far, spoken by Benny, the human love interest to my vampire protagonist: "It's like I'm living the gay version of Twilight...which, ironically, still isn't as gay as Twilight..."
Oh, and my tickets came yesterday! I was going to
take a picture of them for you but then I was afraid that would be too silly.
Plus, see above for the part about obsessions. Now I just have to plan the
whole rest of the trip! No pressure, right? I’ll get around to it...
What things are you afraid of? Heights? Clowns? Or ten thousand rejection letters?
I'm afraid of having spent three years on my story, picking away at the keys, only to start querying and not even got one tiny little request. Or if I do get a request, then get a 'not quite good enough/good enough for me' letter. Or I do get an agent(confetti!/halleluejah chorus!), then the book won't sell. Ah! It never ends! =( And spiders need all those legs so they can creep us humans out... ;)
ReplyDeleteAll legitimate fears. I try not to think about those things yet since I'm not even close. So I'll probably just be more terrified when I am...uh-oh...
DeleteLoved the excerpt! I like the voice too. Is it up on nanowrimo? Or is that just not how nanowrimo works....?
ReplyDeleteAw, thanks! I've been struggling with the voice but it seemed to feel right in that scene. I think you can only post an excerpt on NaNo, at some point you copy your entire manuscript so they can verify the word count, but I don't think other people actually see it.
DeleteMind you, if it's a rough, you prob wouldn't want anyone reading it right?
DeleteEither way, I liked, so yeah, BETA over here when you hopefully need one. (because if you need one, it means you've finished it!) I'm down for m/m's as well. :D
Spiders don't need all those legs. They're just greedy. Thanks for sharing the excerpt. I like Benny, even though I only got a slice. I guess you must like him too, since you're writing from the pov of someone who falls for him. You should have posted the pictures. It's your blog. Post what you want. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid of failing. Of being mediocre. Of wasting time. Of missing opportunities. To say nothing of suppressed fears, suppressed because they were too great to face day after day, and instead are dealt with quietly beneath the folds of consciousness.
I do like Benny, possibly more than my protagonist. I still have issues to work out with him...
DeleteI think it's hard to not be afraid of those things. As far as suppressed fears go, I guess you should just take them one at a time. I think my being afraid of success falls under that category. It seems strange so I don't really want to deal with it.