Off the Grid

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

I've been kind of off the grid lately when it comes to pretty much all forms of writing, blogging, and social media. Probably because I'm going crazy between work and planning this Vegas trip (which is this Saturday!!!!!!!!). I just haven't had the brain capacity for it. I even almost forgot about this blog post and I'm sure it's going to be half-assed since I'm trying to pack for the trip and still have to work the next three days. 

So I'm probably going to stay off the grid until we get back. Then I'd really like to crack down and get back into writing and blogging again. I did finish that Chapter 3 edit a few weeks back, but other than that, I haven't been writing at all. I do want to take a few chapters with me to maybe work on during my flights but I can't promise anything. Usually when I plan to be productive on a plane I just end up watching TV. 

So hopefully I'll start blogging again towards the end of this month. If not, then definitely next month! I kinda still want to do a Halloween themed muse party but I don't know if I have enough time to put that together! And what the heck would Jordan and I wear for costumes??? I'll probably keep up with Instagram during my trip because pretty much the only time I like to take pictures is when I'm doing something fun. Or if my cat is being cute. Or if I bake something...

But anyway, I shall be back (hopefully) in a few weeks! And hopefully with lots of writing happening as well! Right now I have to figure out what book(s) to bring on the plane!!!

My Brain Doesn't Work

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

I should be honest, I've been staring at this post for a while now trying to figure out what to write. I don't know if I'm just too tired right now or just burnt out from everything. Work continues to be nuts. I work in a hospital so it's hard to predict--it could be crazy one day and slow the next. Right now it's pretty much just crazy. Plus this is the time of year where everyone takes vacations. I've actually had to be in charge quite a few times while my manager is off so that can be stressful. So I'm tired all of the time.

Then there's wedding/Vegas trip planning! I still have SO MUCH to do. I do have the most important things done, though. But I feel like there are still so many things I have to buy and plan and pack and yada yada. I also just got contact lenses for the first time, which is so weird for me. I've been wearing glasses since I was ten. I feel weird without them. I tend to switch back and forth depending on how tired I am when I wake up in the morning.

So I haven't had too much time for writing lately. I've been trying to finish up my Chapter 3 edit, but the first half of it pretty much needed to be completely rewritten. With the second half, I'm just trying to make the end more interesting. I think in the last draft it was a little boring, and I like to end the chapters not on a cliffhanger, exactly, but with something to make the reader want to keep going. But this chapter does have the cupcake eating scene, which is one of my favorites.

Luckily, we now have questions to answer for the IWSG, which is great when my brain isn't working. This month's question is: What was your very first piece of writing as an aspiring writer? Where is it now? Collecting dust or has it been published?

I love this question because I actually still have my first piece of writing. It was a children's book that I wrote when I was eight! I even drew all of the illustrations myself (poorly). I went on to write a whole series of books about mice before I switched to novels, but I keep this first one as a look back to where it all started.

Do you still have your first piece of writing? Anyone else's brain malfunctioning?

IWSG (because I can't think of a title...)

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

So...I haven't been blogging for a while now. Or writing, actually (well, that's not all that unbelievable...). I've just been drained lately. Physically, emotionally, creatively. Work has been particularly stressful lately. So when I'm not working I pretty much just want to sleep. I've even started taking naps in the afternoon. I hate naps. So anyway, I just haven't been feeling the inspiration lately. I haven't even come up with blog ideas, but honestly, I haven't been trying very hard to find them. I guess I just felt like taking a break.

So of course, I have no idea what to write about! Luckily the IWSG folks have added a new feature: a question to answer! This month's is: What's the best thing someone has ever said about your writing?

Hmm. Well, ok, when I first read this question, it kind of depressed me. I honestly couldn't think of anything. I could tell you several instances where people told me my story was awful (ok, two), but I don't think anyone's interested in that. But good? And something specific? That was tough. I actually had to go digging for something, in a long buried Facebook message from a former coworker who read the original short story that would turn into UL. He said: "I am very impressed with your ability to flesh out your characters and environments. You have an attention to detail that is of a high order, without being overwrought, and you know just when to pepper dialogue into the exposition." So that's good, right? He went on to provide some constructive criticism as well, adding that "I hope this isn't too harsh. I'm harshest on work that I like the most." It was actually kind of nice to go back and read this since I don't let anyone read my stuff, like, ever.

Perhaps I would add another honorable mention, because it wasn't really something good that was said, but the reaction was exactly what I was looking for. When I was sending out my second draft chapters as I rewrote them, I did have a few friends and coworkers who were actually keeping up for a good chunk of the book (you know, before everyone decided to just give up *sigh*). I'm sure I've mentioned the twist at the end of Chapter 17 before. It's one of my favorite moments in the book, actually. Well, the day after I sent it out, I went to to work and when another coworker came in, she walked up to me and screamed "WHAT DID YOU DO????" which honestly was the exact response I would want from a reader after that particular chapter. So it was pretty uplifting for me.

Ok, so I started this post thinking I had nothing to say and I've rambled on forever. That's usually how it goes, isn't it?

Wait For It

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

I frequently have a hard time motivating myself, especially when it comes to writing. The words just don't seem to come, so I don't do anything to seek them out. I spend most of my time just waiting for inspiration, motivation--whatever that spark may be that finally gets me writing again. But most of the time it doesn't come. How much time have I spent (and continue to spend) just waiting? 

It's not exactly something I'm proud of, but I can't really help it. I feel like I'm always waiting for the right moment, the right time. What if it never comes? What am I supposed to do in the meantime? I guess the easy answer is--WRITE. Just write anyway. Even if it's hard. Even if every single word is a struggle, it would be better than nothing. But most of the time, that's easier said than done. 

Some days I think I could do great things if I only tried a little bit harder. Other days I don't feel capable of much of anything. But I don't really think it's a fear of failure that keeps me from trying. So what is it? 

Sometimes I wonder how other writers can bust out book after book, publishing several per year. I'm taking forever just to get one done. I just don't get how they do it. I wish I could write like that. I keep waiting for some breaking point where I'm finally able to just write pages and pages. Even when I have time to sit down and write, it still doesn't happen.

Waiting may sometimes feel like the right thing to do, but is it the best thing? What if that perfect moment, that perfect motivation never comes? I could spend my whole life waiting for it, or I could actually try. Try to take that inspiration instead of waiting around for it to show up. If you take control, then maybe you won't have to wait anymore.

**If anyone knows where I got the title for this post (and in a strange way that would take too long to explain, the inspiration behind it), you get a cupcake. :D

So Many Insecurities

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

I have so many insecurities I don't know where to begin! But that's what happens most months, actually. So I thought I would break it down.

Blog Insecurities 

I don't want to talk too much about the A to Z Challenge here because I'm saving that for my reflections post. I will say that this year's was kind of disappointing for me, and that's mostly my own fault. But right now I'm just glad it's over, and I hope to come up with a more fun topic next year so I can enjoy it more. I'm also insecure about writing new posts. This week has been easy, since Monday, Wednesday, and Friday were at least somewhat figured out way beforehand. And next Monday I'll post my A to Z reflections. After that? I have no idea. I'm also very close to both my 400th post AND my 5th blogiversary. I could probably make them happen on the same day, actually. I have no idea what I would want to do, though (and no, not a Muse Party).

Writing Insecurities 

I've gotten zero done on the revision front lately, which is kind of disappointing since I seemed to be on the right track for a while. I still haven't finished the first chapter revision. I know things will get so much easier once I finish it. The next few chapters don't need much work at all. And then besides a few major edits, I can probably fly through to the last third. When I get to the last third, however, I'll be completely lost again. It just seems so overwhelming that I don't even want to work on it. But at the same time, all I can do is think about it.

Life Insecurities 

Did I mention I have a wedding date? NBD, right? September 12 in Las Vegas. We've already got our hotel suite, flights, and the chapel booked. I'm looking at wedding dresses for the first time in a couple weeks and I'm petrified. I'm bringing my fiance because otherwise I will be a nervous wreck, plus I'm not superstitious at all. I am so not the type of person who likes to be the center of attention. I must be the most anti-bride of all the anti-brides who ever lived. So far we've got six people going and that's already too many in my opinion. I just want to hide.

I'm also trying to lose weight. I started Weight Watchers again and it's going pretty well. I've already lost ten pounds (although I think I cheated because I was definitely bloated for my first weigh in...the ladies know what I'm talking about). I want to exercise more but a few weeks ago I pulled a muscle and could barely walk. Work was excruciating at times and today is actually my first day without taking any Advil at all. I think the fact that we have the crappiest mattress ever did not help the healing process, but luckily we're getting a new one this weekend! I just hope it doesn't cost too much because I'm still super broke from that whole not having a job thing. Glad that's over! And do you know how much money it costs to eat healthy? So many fruits and veggies...goodbye paycheck...

Ok, I'm done. I think. What is everyone else insecure about?

Evolving

**My theme for this year's A to Z Challenge is THE REVISION PROJECT. Topics I come across while I write the third draft of my novel, Uneven Lines.**

Today's post is also a tie-in for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up! 

I used to go out with girls, if you can believe it. Like, a lot. Crazy, I know. 

Most people don't stay the same over the course of their entire lives. You've probably changed a lot at this point in your life and will continue to do so as you get older. The same can be said for characters. They are supposed to be like real people after all, right? Sometimes the point of the story is for a character to evolve. But what if the characters or the story evolve without you even realizing or meaning to? 

I've noticed a ton of changes from the very first draft of UL up until now. And not just the ones I made on purpose. Because there were a lot of those (and more to come). I've noticed that not only have my characters evolved from where they started, but I've also evolved quite a bit as a writer. I guess that's just what happens when you spend over five years on the same story. 

My characters have changed quite a bit. In the very first draft, Jordan was basically a sociopath and was definitely bisexual (bwahahahaahaha...sorry, it makes me laugh). He's softened over the years (although he's still quite the manipulative little SOB) and although he's dated a few girls before the novel begins, it was just for show (there is a brief encounter with a girl about halfway through the book, but that is another post!). I know sometimes I complain about spending so long on the same story, but without that amount of time developing every single detail, I don't think he would have become the character he was supposed to be. He would have been a different person entirely.

When I first started this story, I thought it was the best thing I had ever written. It started as a short story (although it was a bit on the long side). Eventually I decided to change it into a novel, to be able to flesh out those parts that were rushed and add in more details. So the story was evolving from the very beginning. What I didn't expect was to eventually feel so differently about that first draft. Because now I hate it. 

I'm sure most people are frightened by their first drafts. They can often be a mess. Every time I look at that original story, I cringe. I can probably count on one hand the number of lines that have made it through all the drafts untouched (and they're probably all dialogue). So why did I think it was so good at the time? Maybe the answer is that it was. Maybe it was the best thing I had written up to that point. That doesn't mean it was perfect. It just means I was improving as a writer. I still had a long way to go. What was good about it wasn't necessarily the exact words on the page, but the story they told. And that was something worth working on. 

So my characters have evolved, my story's evolved, I've evolved. And I'm sure we're not done. 

Have your characters evolved as you write your stories? How have you evolved as a writer?

Where's the Motivation?

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click here to learn more and sign up!

I stayed up way too late on Sunday night to watch the Oscars, just because. Actually, I love watching awards shows, but probably not for the same reasons as most people. They always give me a little kick of motivation. I usually get some writing done, maybe even make a big editing revelation about my writing. Why? Well, I tend to dream big. I would love to write something good enough to win awards. One of my dreams is to turn my book into a screenplay. I know it's a ridiculous dream, but if it helps me to get any writing done, I can't really say it's a bad thing.

But here is my problem: even when I do feel those surges of motivation, not a lot gets done. I know a lot of my issues involve time and energy, but my biggest problem is probably motivation. I'd say it's nearly impossible to motivate myself. Of course I really want to get things done, but it feels like that part is buried under the desire to just do nothing.

It's a vicious cycle, really. Not getting any writing done leads to depression, which makes it even harder to get anything done. When I have those few moments where I actually feel the desire to write, I'm caught off guard and spend too much time just trying to figure out which part to work on. Motivation isn't something that comes easily to me, so when it actually shows up, I don't know what to do with it.

I try to do little things to motivate myself. I actually made a short, six song motivation playlist, with the goal of starting every day by listening to it. Music usually gives me a little push of motivation, as well. But I don't listen to it every day. I don't even know why. It would be so easy to do, not take too long, and worst case scenario, I get to listen to some music that I like.

I don't know why motivation is so hard for me to come by. Maybe I'm afraid of my dreams. Maybe I'm afraid of failing. Maybe I'm just afraid that everyone will hate what I write, since that's been the case more than once. So I don't know. Maybe it takes more than motivation. Once I get that motivation, I still have to commit. And I still have to work. Like everything else, I guess I'll have to take it one step at a time.

Do you struggle with motivation? What do you do to motivate yourself?

Blog Insecurity

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click the link to learn more and sign up!

So what am I insecure about lately? You mean besides the same old, same old, right? For once I actually don't want to talk about writing, since nothing's really changed (still). I think I've completely unloaded all of my insecurities on that at this point. But one never really runs out of insecurity, do they? 

I've had quite a few blog related things on my mind lately. I definitely don't have the same momentum that I had through most of last year, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I have a lot less time now to write more posts, so I'm lucky to get one post a week out. But I'd rather be writing something that actually means something than just trying to fill space.

There are also a lot of things coming up in the near future that have me feeling a bit insecure. The A to Z Challenge is coming up way too fast and I officially signed up the other day. But I'm still not sure on my theme yet. I have a few ideas but I'm having trouble figuring out which one to use. My initial idea that I also mentioned last week was guilty pleasures. I've come up with a bunch but I don't know if I have 26 guilty pleasures, particularly one for every letter. Most of the ones I've come up with are just TV shows or junk food. I'd really like to have more of a variety of topics but I just don't know if they're there.

My second idea would actually be writing related, most likely to be called "The Revision Project." It would be kind of a way of dissecting what parts of my novel need to be fixed, sort of as a way to actually get me back on the revision track. My worries with this is that it may be too personal. I feel like some of the posts may be slightly therapeutic and I'm just not sure if people will care. Plus I'll probably be dishing out a lot of information on the book which may not keep everyone interested.

Besides all the A to Z brainstorming, I've got my own blogfest coming up in less than two weeks! I'm really excited for it but I'm worried it won't be as good as the first one. I still haven't written my post for it yet either. The signups are slowly getting up there but I don't know if they'll match the first Muse Party Blogfest. I know people will have fun with it, but I still worry that they won't.

I think what I always worry about with anything is that no one will care. Maybe that's an insecurity I need to get over.

The Year of No Resolutions

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click the link to learn more and sign up!

It's that time of year where pretty much everyone has made a list of goals they'd like to accomplish at some point during the year, or just things they'd like to do better. Usually I'm the same way (although apparently my muse despises resolutions...), but this year I'm trying something different. I'm not making any actual resolutions.

I have a few reasons for this. First, I just didn't really have any time to think about it. My full time job pretty much takes up all of my time. The 11-7:30 shift was a lot more difficult than I anticipated. I spend most of the morning just getting ready (both physically and mentally) for work, and then after work I'm exhausted. I just want to eat dinner, maybe watch some TV and then pass out. My days off are usually spent doing chores like laundry and grocery shopping. So there's not a lot of time left for anything else. Luckily I'll be switching to an earlier shift in a couple weeks (probably 6:30-3) so I think I'll be able to make better use of my spare time.

But the other reason for not making any resolutions was that I just wasn't feeling it. I feel like I make the same exact goals every year and never accomplish them. Lose weight, finish my book, publish some poems, read 100 books. It just never works out. I'm kind of tired of the disappointment.

So I thought this year I would take a different approach. I still have the same goals I've always had, but I'm trying to think of them in a different way. I don't want to push myself on too many things so that I burn out right away and give up. I want to start tackling these goals in a more realistic way. One step at a time. Maybe work an hour on UL's third draft at this point, maybe go to the gym on this day, say no to pizza and get a salad. I don't want to try to do everything at once or think too much about what needs to be done in the future. Just try to do my best one day at a time. And if I need a day to relax and do nothing, then that's ok.

I have no idea if this approach will work but I guess without making any concrete goals, even if I accomplish one tiny thing, it will be a small victory. I've just got to take everything one tiny step at a time.

How do you tackle your goals? Did you make any resolutions this year?

When Does the Writing Start?

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Click the link to learn more and sign up!

I haven't been doing much blogging lately since I started my new job. Adjusting has been a lot harder than I anticipated. Mostly because I'm exhausted all of the time. I pretty much work all day, come home, eat something, then maybe watch a little TV before passing out. I hardly even turn on my computer unless I have a day off. I haven't quite figured out how to utilize my mornings better, since I don't start work until 11. Even when I get up early it doesn't feel like enough time to be really productive. 

But I didn't want to talk about work for this whole post. I wanted to talk about writing. Or lack thereof. I know I wasn't exactly writing much before I started the job, but I feel like I'm waiting around for the inspiration to strike. I know I have to actually try write before anything happens, and that I probably need the time and mental capacity to do so, which I just don't have at this point. 

But the fact that I'm not writing, and haven't in a long time, really makes me sad. I really want to write, but it's like the longer I don't do it, the harder it is to start up again. I feel like I just need some time, even just an hour or two, to sit down with no distractions and just force the words out. Even if they come out horribly, even if they have nothing to do with the piece I should be working on, at least it would be something. And then hopefully I can keep moving forward from there. 

I actually have this whole weekend off so I'm thinking it may be a good time to start. Just to write something. Anything at all. 

How do you start writing again after taking a (ridiculously long) break? How do you find time to write when there is no time?

Rambling Insecurity

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click the link to learn more and sign up!

Like with most of my blog posts lately, I have no idea what to write about. Sometimes it just feels like my brain has stopped working. Or sometimes I feel like every idea I come up with is something I've written about before (I couldn't even tell you how many times I've written a post about not having ideas).

Which isn't to say I'm not incredibly insecure. I've just probably already mentioned all of my insecurities several times before. I still haven't actually written anything for quite some time. I keep trying to motivate myself to just write something, even if it's something silly or pointless or short or poorly written. Just something.

I'm hoping things may actually get easier once I have a real job again, which will hopefully be soon. I had not one, but two job interviews on Monday (the insecurity over that could take an entire post). I applied for a full time position, but by the time they called me they only had part time, but I interviewed anyway. Only yesterday I got another call that the full time is available again, so I'm hoping I get that. It would be an 11-7:30 shift, which I would love since my last job sometimes had me working until 1 or 2 in the morning. Plus that still gives me plenty of time in the morning to blog, which I was afraid I'd have to cut back on if I worked full time again.

But anyway, my real point is that if I have an actual full time job, then all of my free time can be exactly that: free. I can do whatever I want. I don't have to worry about having to spend every second trying to make money just to pay my bills. So I will actually have more time to write.

I don't know yet if I should say my time trying to break into freelance work was a failure or not. Maybe it's just not what I really want to do. So maybe it's a better idea just to have a regular job and work on what I really want to write in my spare time. Then maybe some day I can make enough money to only do that (if I'm really really lucky).

But I think for now I just have to take it one step at a time. I'm pretty sure I've said that before.

Where are the Ideas?

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click the link to learn more and sign up!

I'm not entirely sure I have any new insecurities to share. A whole lot of the same old ones I've been talking about for months and months, but nothing new. So I guess that's good? I pretty much took September off blogging (only wrote 4 posts) so I'm trying to get back into the swing of things. Blogging was always the thing that came the easiest even when every other aspect of writing seemed impossible, so when I was struggling to even come up with one blog post, I wasn't sure what to do. 

I guess the blogging thing is part of a bigger insecurity, which I know I've already talked about a million times, but it constantly bothers me. I never seem to get ideas anymore. I used to get them all the time. Now, I'm not asking for a new novel idea every day, but maybe a poem here and there. Maybe less writer's block with the blog posts. I feel like my editing ideas for my novel have even slowed down. That may have something to do with the fact that I'm not actually editing, but still, where are the ideas?

I miss the excitement of getting a new idea and planning it out. The last time I felt that was when I came up with the third book idea for my series, and that was in March. And I still haven't really written any of it (let's not even talk about books 1 and 2). I just feel creatively drained. I know there are things I could do to fix it. I should be reading more. I should be trying to actually edit Book 1 or at least looking at it every day to figure things out. But I'm still avoiding it. 

So maybe I should make small goals for myself. Read for a half hour every day. Just look at part of my novel, whatever part is at the front of my mind, and maybe I'll be able to rewrite. Stop watching so much TV and just listen to some music for inspiration. Maybe if I try to feed that creativity, the ideas will start flowing again. 

How do you get ideas? What do you do to jump start your creativity? 

Writing Stuff

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Click the link to learn more and sign up!

Something I tend to be insecure about is my identity as a writer. A lot of writers stick to one genre, others can write pretty much anything. I feel like I'm somewhere in between. I have written different genres, but it seems like I stick to the same one for years at a time and then move on to something else. If someone asked me what I write, I wouldn't really know what to say.

I have, however, always liked my Twitter bio (which I've never changed): "I write stuff. There's an imaginary teenage boy in my brain who helps me. Otherwise, I'm pretty normal." Short, sweet, and to the point. Well, it's Twitter, so it has to be short. But sometimes I read it and feel like a complete fraud. There's the "I'm pretty normal" part, which is a stretch, but we won't get into that. And I think I hear someone saying "who the f*** are you calling imaginary???" to which I would say, "BE QUIET YOUR POST IS NEXT WEEK."

But really it's the "I write stuff" part. How true is that? Am I actually writing stuff? Well, yes and no. I haven't written a poem in probably three years. I haven't really worked on my novel (except for a few tidbits here and there) for one year. All I ever really write are blog posts. So can I still call myself a writer? Well, I still want to write, and I still get ideas, so the passion is somewhere in there even if it's so far buried I don't know where to find it.

On the other hand, it's pretty vague, which works for me. Not "I'm an aspiring novelist and poet." Not "I'm working on my WIP and hope to be published soon." Just, "I write stuff." It's entirely true. Sometimes it's just a blog post or a tweet or an email. Sometimes it's a random line of dialogue from Book 3. Sometimes it's an editing note for Book 1. It's not always a lot, but it's usually something.

So maybe I can't say a lot about being a writer. But I can say that I write stuff.

When Does Bitterness Leave?

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click the link to learn more and sign up!

I noticed something trending on Twitter the other day that made my stomach turn: Pitch Wars. "UGH" was my immediate response. 

Honestly, writing-wise, doing Pitch Wars was the biggest mistake I ever made. There's a part of me that wants to rant and scream and tell everyone I possibly can not to do it. But I think the odds of someone else having my exact experience are actually very slim: first, having a controversial story, then having an a-hole mentor send unnecessarily cruel feedback on just your first chapter, and also being the kind of person who is prone to depression and anxiety and will let this sort of thing eat away at you. On the other hand, seeing as how there's roughly a 10% chance of getting picked if you enter, I also feel like it's just a giant waste of time. So in the best case scenario, you're still going to be disappointed. 

I wish I didn't let things get to me so much. It's not the first time I've been bullied. It definitely won't be the last time my writing will be critiqued (although I feel if my book was already published I would handle it in a completely different way). But at what point do you stop grinding your teeth when you hear something mentioned? When does that bitterness go away? When I think of something that happened in the past that still leaves me feeling bitter, the thought usually passes fairly quickly. You get over it eventually. Maybe just because Pitch Wars wasn't so long ago, it's still bugging me.

Or maybe it's just because it's kept me from writing. I hate the fact that it's almost been a year since I've really written anything. I've come up with a ton of ideas on how to edit my book, but I haven't actually done any of them. I hate when people tell me it's ok to take a break, because it's just been way too long. But every time I think about working on my book, I just wonder--what's the point? If everyone's going to hate this story and hate me for writing it, why should I bother? But I can't let it go because I've put so much effort into it and I think there's something there that people just aren't able to see yet.

So I guess I just need to try to make people see it. Nothing is ever going to happen if I don't start writing again. That's probably what I need to do to get over the experience. Nothing would be a bigger "f you" than being successful. If I don't write, then they win.

Get Out of the Funk

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! As always, the IWSG is hosted by the awesome Alex J. Cavanaugh. Check out the group's website to learn more and sign up!

So I've been in a bit of a writing funk for about, oh...ten months or so. I'm not even kidding. I've barely touched my WIP in that time. I've had a revelation here or there, jotted down some ideas or a random line of dialogue, but that's it. Nothing major. No new scenes or major editing done at all. Part of me really wants to work on it, but another part just wants to avoid it.

The thing is, I've always had big, big dreams for this particular book, but I think I'm so hung up on them not coming true that I don't even want to bother. I know the road to those dreams is going to be very long and filled with obstacles. It's going to take a long time. I'm pretty sure most people are going to be against me. Finding the people who "get it" isn't going to be easy.

I've been thinking about giving up on those dreams because honestly, they're not realistic at all. But I've come to realize that I don't have to. I should use the dreams to motivate me, not to keep me from working. Because right now, the only thing standing in my way is me. I can't even start out on that obstacle-filled road if I don't get the book done first. So why am I already giving up?

I was thinking lately how bad I want these particular dreams and I thought, why shouldn't I have them? I think I've got something good and interesting here and even though not everyone is going to get it or like it, there must be some people out there who will. So why not try for those dreams? I won't know for sure if they're unattainable until I reach the end of that road.

Will this new found attitude lead to actual editing and writing? I hope so. I won't be able to get anywhere if I don't at least try.

Still Not Writing

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click the link to learn more and sign up!

Well, I think I'm finally done with blogging milestones for a while. My 4th anniversary and my 300th post were only a week apart. From here on out I think it will just be normal blog posts. I know I should probably take a break from blogging for a bit but I've already made it this far into the year with a perfect record (posting every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday), so I'd like to see how far I can get. 

It's also been exactly a year since I quit my day job, and I can't believe it's been so long already. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. I am still making some money, but I haven't even tried to break into freelance writing. I haven't finished my novel or started querying it like I thought I would. I haven't even submitted any smaller pieces to literary magazines. That was kind of the point to taking the time off, so I would actually have time to work on these things. Well, that and the fact that my job made me completely miserable. But I just thought we'd have life figured out at this point. I wasn't supposed to look for another job until we figured out where we were moving, but that still hasn't happened. 

I think the writing thing is what bothers me the most. I still have this mental block when it comes to working on my WIP. I just don't want to work on it. I think about my sequel ideas more than the first book, but I don't actually work on those, either. I don't know, maybe I'm just scared because I know how hard it's going to be to try to get this book published. Maybe there's a part of me that just doesn't want to bother. But I've worked so hard on it already, and I feel like there has to be a reason that I started writing it. I just wish I could get the desire to work on it again, because I'll never be able to even try to publish it if I don't finish it first. 

Well, I guess that's about it for this month's insecurities. Maybe by next month I'll get to tell you that I actually wrote something. That would be incredible.

Another Crazy Month

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Click the link to learn more and sign up!

So it's finally May and the A to Z Challenge is over. Most bloggers would want to take a second to breathe. Well, not me, apparently. I feel as though this month is going to be just as psychotic as the last, only with less focus. I've got so much going on and so much I need to do and I feel like it's impossible.

First of all, I'd really like to keep the blogging momentum going, which is great in theory, but can be exhausting. It's mostly because I haven't missed or skipped a day at all this year (I've posted every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, except of course for April where I posted every day except Sundays!). I'd really just like to keep that going. There are two major problems I see, however: running out of ideas and just burning out.

Then, of course, like the crazy person that I am, I decided to host a blogfest at the end of the month (see shameless plug below). It's not like it was a spur of the moment idea. I've been thinking about it for months. But it's still a big thing to take on.

I also really really really want to finish rewriting/editing Uneven Lines by next month so I can do Pitmad. I don't think it's going to happen but I'm probably not going to officially give up until that day comes. It's the rewriting that drives me nuts. You'd think after four years and writing it three times already, I would have figured out how to properly end this book. Nope!

And then there's life stuff. My fiance and I are trying to figure out what to do with our lives, where we want to move to, when we want to get married, yada yada. My money is close to gone so I have to figure out what to do about that and I spend pretty much every second of every day doing crowdsource work just because it's something. And we're also going to Florida at the end of the month for his grandfather's 80th birthday, and I'm all in a panic wondering if they have wifi because if they don't that means I can't blog or work or pay my bills and I will just be a nervous wreck.

*deep breath* All right, I'll wrap this up before it turns into a novel. Maybe I just need to take a little time each day to relax. Drink tea or do yoga or something. Or try to schedule myself. Oh, who am I kidding? That never works! I'll probably just continue to live life like a chicken with its head cut off!

SHAMELESS PLUG!!!!

For my fourth blogging anniversary, I'm hosting a blogfest! It's a party where you can come and bring your muse or a character from one of your books. Click the picture to get all of the info and sign up! It's happening on May 25 and all you have to do is answer some questions about you and your muse, some of the things you like, and how much fun you'd have at my virtual party! So join in!!! :D

The Anxiety of Naming a Character

**My theme for this year’s A to Z Challenge is THE NAME GAME. Everything you’d want to know about naming characters. I’m also going to attempt (miserably) to tie in today’s post with my post for the Insecure Writer’s Support Group. Click the link to find out more!**

So you have a character. You’ve got the beginnings of a story planned out—things that will happen to him, people he’ll come across, decisions he’ll have to make. Maybe you already know what he looks like, who his friends and family are, his hobbies, hopes and dreams. But there is one very basic thing that you need to figure out in order to convey this character to your readers. Your character needs a name.

But what if you don’t have a name for him yet? The first thing I would say is: DON’T PANIC. Oh, you’re not panicking? Well, I had to tie this post in with insecurity somehow, so pretend you’re panicking!

Ok, so first, calm down. There are going to be several things that you’ll need to figure out while writing this particular story. Some can be easy, others can be difficult. Figuring out a name for your character could be either of these. Sometimes a name will just pop into your head like the actual character told you himself. Other times it could take weeks or longer to figure out. You could go through lists and websites and every resource you can find of names, never seeming to find the one that feels just right.

But seriously, don’t panic. Think about all the factors that could help you make a decision. What kind of character is he? When does the story take place? What are his parents like? You have to think of your character as a living, breathing person, and not just a figment of your imagination. What sort of influences from his family and culture would be used when he was given a name?

Perhaps the most important thing is to listen to your character. You’ll know when a name feels right, and when it doesn’t. Maybe the first name you come up with won’t be quite right and it will have to change. Maybe you’ll need to start writing the story before the name comes to you. But eventually you will figure it out and your character will have a name.

Do you ever panic when naming a character? Stay tuned for more in depth posts on the different aspects of naming characters!

A Very Detailed (And Color Coded!) Schedule

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Click the link to learn more and sign up!

Like most months, I'm plenty insecure. Still trying to figure out the third (and hopefully final) draft of Uneven Lines, and also trying to figure out life. My fiance and I really want get out of where we live and hopefully move to New York within the next few months. It's one of those things that I really want but at the same time find terrifying. Of course, I know I'm afraid of change but it really needs to happen. 

What I'm really trying to do is get more organized. There are so many things I have to do, whether it's working on the book, exercising and eating right, reading more, trying to find a job or figure out how to branch out into freelance writing. It's a lot and I think I get easily overwhelmed so that's probably why I don't get a lot done. 

So my new strategy is a schedule. A very detailed and planned ahead schedule. I couldn't find any templates I liked online, so I made my own in Excel, breaking each day down by the half hour from 7 AM to 11 PM. Then I figured I absolutely needed colored pens in order to mark things in by category. Who wants to look at entire schedule in boring black ink? These categories seemed to cover pretty much everything I would need or want to do in a given week. 

And here is the actual schedule for this week. It's still a work in progress. 

And the second page. Yes, we watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy every night like an old couple. And I'm trying to make sure I brush & floss my teeth and wash my face every night before bed, since I'm really inconsistent with it. 

I'm still filling in some of the blanks but all of the major stuff is there. I'm not too worried about the weekends since my fiance doesn't work and we usually just figure out what we're doing as we go, anyway. And I really only get things done when I'm by myself. One of my biggest downfalls is just watching pointless TV all day, so with this schedule I can actually work in when I'm watching all of my shows, whether it's when they air or on demand the next day. And I won't watch TV at any other time (I hope!). 

I don't know if this extremely structured schedule will help me or get very tedious right away, but we'll see. I've never tried being this organized before so I think it's worth a shot. 

Do you stick to a schedule? What are your tips for being productive? 

How Do We Deal with Fear?

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's once again time for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. *insert drum roll here* This month I'm a co-host! So I'll be stalking...err...visiting lots and lots of you. As always, the IWSG is hosted by Alex J. Cavanaugh, and my fellow co-hosts this month are Gwen Gardner, Dolorah, and M. Pax!

Something that causes a great deal of insecurity (for me, at least) is fear. Fear is something that holds you back, that keeps you from achieving your goals. There are plenty of reasons to be afraid, and it isn't always easy to find ways to work through it. If you manage to erase one fear, you might just run into another one. 

I'm afraid of a lot of things. I think everyone's go-to fear is failure. We worry that all of this work we put into what we do will never amount to anything. We're afraid we'll never get an agent or a book deal, or even if we do get published, that the book will never sell. Sometimes it's tough to keep going when you're constantly worrying if it's even worth the effort. 

But that's really only the beginning of the fear spectrum. You can be afraid of something even if you want it, maybe just because it's different and scary. I'm terrified of change, despite the fact that I desperately want things in my life to change. I'm even afraid of success, because I worry that I don't have the personality to deal with all of these elaborate fantasies of what a successful life could be like. I don't think I can live up to my imaginary self. 

I worry that I'm just not capable of figuring out everything that needs to be figured out in my manuscript. And even if that happens, if I somehow get it done, I worry that it will be a complete flop. I worry that people just aren't going to get it, or they're going to take it the wrong way and be offended. It's already happened more than once and I'm not sure how I would even deal with the situation besides saying, "it's just a story." I worry that people are going to think that I assume too much, or that there's some level of hatred inside of me that really is just nonexistent. How do I make people get it?

You can see how easy it is for fear to just build up and build up. There are so many reasons for it, so it's hard to escape it completely. I don't have all of the answers yet. I think it's important to try and deal with one thing at a time--block those fears from my mind until they're actually worth worrying about, if they ever are at all. Because right now, the only thing fear is doing is holding me back. 

How do you guys deal with fear? What scares you the most when it comes to your writing?