The Not So Happy Ending

I have a confession to make: I'm a sucker for a happy ending. I've read several books that have made me completely miserable but then make up for it by everything working out in the end. Sure, the characters go through hell but it ends up being worth it. It makes them stronger, and it makes having to read through the bad stuff worth it.

Well, here's my second confession: my story does not have a happy ending. I don't know how this happened to me. I always write happy endings. Maybe that's partly because the kind of stories I used to write always had a villain--a very distinct antagonist that needed to be defeated in order for the story to end. Well, that isn't the case with my current book. And I haven't read a lot of romance novels, but I'm guessing they usually end happily. Not that my book is 100% romance, but still, it kind of goes against the grain.

I've certainly read books that haven't ended happily before. Usually I want to throw them against the wall. And I have this secret desire to have my characters stay together forever, but I know that can't happen. That's life, really. Things don't always work out perfectly. They're not always wrapped up in a neat little bow. Maybe that's why people like happy endings so much. If things can go so well for these fictional characters, maybe things in life can always end happily, too.

Every story is different. Every character is different. Usually, the writer will know how their story will end before they get to the ending. I always knew this story couldn't have a happy ending. It just wouldn't have made sense. My book would have to span several years rather than just a few months. And in the end, I don't think my readers would be satisfied with the ending. They wouldn't believe it. It's funny, because I think my goal for this book is for the reader to want that happy ending, but to still be satisfied when they don't get it. Hopefully they'll want these characters to stay together, but they'll be able to understand when they can't. My ending is sad, but it's not miserable. It has a silver lining. No one's going to jump off a roof once the pages end. And it's partially about growing up, so a bit of harsh learning is necessary.

Ultimately, you have to choose an ending that works for the story. A happy ending isn't always going to be the right fit. Really, it doesn't matter whether you have a happy ending or a sad one. You just need an ending that makes sense.

I Have to Blog Something!

Normally on a day like today I would just skip posting a blog, but since I can't miss a single one until my 100th post, I must blog! I know, I know, I rambled on Monday already. It's been a busy week. This will be short and sweet.

I've been up since 5:30 and worked for over 13 hours straight so I'm exhausted. My feet are throbbing. Hopefully I can finish the post before I fall asl-- *snore* Huh?! What's going on?

Oh, right! I was blogging...except I have nothing to blog about. I haven't worked on NaNo in days, but I think I'm probably going to wait until November ends to officially give up and get back into editing. I never thought I'd ever look forward to editing, but I can't wait!

I think that's all I'll bother you with for tonight, since I'm about to pass out and all. I'll write something more meaningful on Friday, I swear.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!!

Ramble Ramble Ramble

Hey, I know I've rambled before. But this one's gonna be bad. I would have just skipped it altogether, but if I don't completely stick to my blogging schedule then I'll just ruin my plan for the 100th post. Can't have that. I'm also on a double today. Again. Geez, you guys must think I work doubles all the time. Well, kind of.

I had an awesome weekend. Saw Catching Fire in IMAX and watched The Day of the Doctor, of course. I'm so stupid, I only realized that I actually have BBC America on Friday night. I thought I could just watch on demand the next day. So after I had a complete spaz attack, I was able to watch it when it premiered on Saturday afternoon. Which was awesome!

The next three work days are going to be hell. I have to deal with all of the people buying whole cheesecakes for Thanksgiving (ugh, just make a freakin' pie like everyone else!). So before Wednesday I'll be spending a lot of quality time in the freezer sorting cakes for pre-orders. It's not that much different from being outside (so cold!) at this point so it won't be THAT bad, I suppose.

Speaking of work, for Christmas, I get a sweatshirt with my name on it. This excites me far more than it should. I'm a bit of a dork.

I still have absolutely no idea what to do for my 100th post. I mean, it is on Jordan's birthday, but since I let him write a post every month, that's kind of a lousy present. I COULD save my synopsis (which I'm totally working on, yeah...) for that day. Maybe. It's a thought. If I could come up with a title before then, that would be a pretty good present and a great reason for a special post. We'll see.

I'm also doing absolutely nothing to plan for my Muse-iversary trip in February. I really need to book a hotel room and get bus tickets first. Then I can worry about planning fun stuff. Mostly I'm concerned with where/what I'll be eating. Because food is a big part of my book. I'll probably only want to eat stuff that is mentioned in the book. And obviously I won't know until about a week before so I'll know what the weather is like, but I'm still gonna hope for a picnic. Yes, in February. If you're wondering if I'm crazy, I'm thinking you've never been to this blog before...

Ok, one more thing.

Hey...psst! Guys! Guuuuuuys! Do you know what happens this week? No, not Thanksgiving. Pfft. Frozen comes out on Wednesday!!! I'm so excited! I honestly don't remember when I first heard about this movie, probably when they started casting since I'm a psychopath with anything related to Broadway, but I've been dying for it ever since. I mean, have you seen the cast list??? I'm drooling over it. Unfortunately I don't really know anyone who shares my obsessiveness, so I'm probably seeing it on Thanksgiving with my sister and her family. Since my four-year-old niece is the only person I know who's looking forward to it as much as I am. Can't wait!



What's everyone up to this week? Got any awesome Thanksgiving plans? And for the love of God, don't mention NaNo to me...

The Final Push

Well, it's almost the end of November, and I find myself realistically thinking about whether or not I'm going to finish my book for NaNoWriMo. And it's not looking good.

I've only written about 23,000 words. Even at my creative best, I can really only write about 1,000 words an hour. I'll admit it's hard for me to write anything when it's not the perfect word in my mind. I do a lot of blank page staring.

But honestly, it's a bigger problem than that. I just have no motivation for this book anymore. And yes, it's partially because I wrote the most intense scenes already and now it's more about filling in the gaps. I really have no desire to write the flashback scenes. The narrator's voice has been shaping itself a bit more, but really only during the most interesting moments. When he starts thinking, when he's worrying about what to do in a situation, it gets boring. I do love the first kiss scene--good lord, was that intense. See, it's better when there's action.

Sometimes when I think about trying to work on this book, I sort of cringe and try to avoid it. I do the dishes or watch TV. At best, I'll write about 300 words in a day. I just have no desire to work on it anymore.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I just want to get back to editing my other book. I really miss working on it. And I've wasted enough time NOT working on it, since, you know, it took me over two years to write the first draft. Plus I really, really miss writing in Jordan's voice. It's more fun. And I've worked on it for so long that I don't even have to think about it when I write as him. It just comes naturally. And it's not boring, unlike this stupid vampire narrator who doesn't know what the hell he wants. It's kind of like temporarily breaking up with your boyfriend for a month to go out with some other guy who turns out to be really boring.

So chances are, I'm not going to make it to 50,000. But tonight is WriteClub and I have to try! I don't have to necessarily finish the book, I just have to make the word count. But honestly, if I don't make it to 40,000 by tonight, I don't see it happening. So we'll see. I'm still going to try to get it done, or it least keep working on it until the end of November. Then I'll set it aside and get back to editing. And it'll always be there if I need a break.

Also, I was planning on running errands today but since it's raining and yucky out, that's really not gonna happen. So, more time for writing!

Things I'm Doing Today

It's time for another list! Because I don't have time for a real post! Kinda sorta like my fun facts. But instead, here's a list of the various writing and non-writing things I am doing today. Hope it's worth a chuckle.

Today I am:

• Working a double. Yay. 
• Looking forward to the next four days off! 
• Accepting the impending doom that is my NaNo defeat. I've barely gotten past 20,000 words. It's not looking good. But hey, four days off, you never know. 
• Procrastinating. On several things. Activating my new phone. Finding a hotel room for my trip. Grocery shopping. Not a lot of fruits, veggies, or pretty much anything to make dinner with, but there's lots of yogurt and waffles! 
• Totally cheating on my diet. I've lost about 8 pounds so far, but I also have absolutely no will power. Plus, you know, no food. Which results in either take out or bringing food home from work. So even the salads will make you fat. 
• Making a motivational playlist. It seemed like a good idea. I may or may not share it once it's done. Because, you know, spaz. 
• Geeking out that Catching Fire, the Doctor Who 50th anniversary special, and Frozen all premiere within a week of each other. And that week is almost here. So much geekery, so little time. 
• Feeling a serious need to go shoe shopping. I mean, it's getting cold. I need boots! Nice boots. With heels. In several colors. 
• Anticipating the end of NaNo and the return to editing. Really, really want to get my book query ready. Don't get me wrong, I like my NaNo book, but focusing completely on that is giving me withdrawals. 
• Still having absolutely no idea what to do for my 100th post. 

What is everyone else up to today? 

Title Troubles

I'm amazed that I've actually kept up with the blogging to stay on schedule. November might be my first perfect month ever (posting every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday). If I finish NaNo, this month will have been very productive. I still have no idea what to do for my 100th post. There's still time to figure it out, though.

I know I've talked about it before, and certainly other bloggers have as well, but I've been thinking about how hard it is to come up with a title. I tried some brainstorming this weekend, but it didn't go well. Every so often I'll think I'm on to something, but it never pans out. I'll usually have some smidgen of an idea, then go through the thesaurus (and the geometry textbook I got for $12 on Amazon) trying to find the words that fit that idea. And nothing ever seems right.

Titles are hard. You have to find some way to both summarize what your novel is about and draw in the reader so that they want to pick up your book in the first place. Sometimes it seems impossible. How could I possibly summarize my entire novel in just a few words, maybe even one?

When I first started my book as a short story, it had a title. That title worked. But as I developed the story into a novel, things changed. I pretty much eliminated any reference to that title, as well as any symbolic meaning that it held. It just wouldn't make sense anymore with how the novel stands now. Then there was the fiasco of the forced title, The Formula, which I feel is heading in the right direction but isn't there yet. I honestly think it needs to be more complex, because the novel itself, or the relationship that I'm writing about, is a complex one.

Maybe it's too complex. I try thinking about how I would describe my novel to other people (forgetting the fact that I usually just avoid the question), and it's always a long, drawn out explanation. I can't seem to simplify it. I could make a list of words that fit for it, but none of them stand out or fit together to make something that feels right.

Usually when I brainstorm, I just drive myself crazy and then give up on it entirely for months. Why is coming up with one phrase so much harder than writing an entire novel of complex words, characters, and situations? Will I just go insane trying to come up with one before I even get close?

It does kind of drive me nuts sometimes, which is why I avoid it. Maybe if I actually get that synopsis I've been talking so much about done, someone else will be able to look at it and come up with some ideas.

How do you guys come up with titles? Does it drive you insane? Is there such a thing as a perfect title?

Dealing with Fear

Oh, you thought I was going to tell you how to handle your fear? No, no, I have no idea how to do that. It’s too scary. This is more of an outpouring of my fears. 

Everyone’s afraid of stuff. Like spiders (what the hell do they need all those legs for?). But as a writer and blogger, I’m afraid of lots of things. It’s not the obvious things, either. Like rejection. No, I expect that. I’m not afraid of it. I think I’m afraid of actually succeeding. I’m afraid of things changing. I let my anxiety get the better of me.

I’m afraid of my own drive. That it’s too much for me to handle. That I couldn’t possibly have all my ridiculous dreams and fantasies come true without curling up into a ball and hiding from them. I’m way too much of an introvert, and yet I fantasize about book signings and writing plays and movies and winning awards and giving speeches. How is that ever going to work?

I’m afraid that even I don’t understand this pull I have to write gay fiction. I’m afraid that I’m encroaching on a culture that I have no right to be a part of. That people are going to hate me for this story. That I have absolutely no idea how to make a difference, to show that this is something I really care about besides making up stories. How is that enough?

I’m afraid to share my obsessions. My quirks. My favorite music, books, TV shows. The random celebrities I love. What turns me on. All the little things that make me who I am. I don’t know why. I guess the obvious answer is the fear of being judged. Like I’m afraid about you getting to know me because you won’t understand the way I am.

And yes, I’m afraid of people reading my book. I’m afraid to even tell people what it’s about (I’m working on that synopsis, I swear). That doesn’t mean that I still don’t want them to read it. God, do I want them to. I’ve never had such passion for a story in my life. I just don’t understand that passion.

I'm also afraid I'll never finish this NaNo book. But if you're interested, I put up a quick little excerpt on my page on the NaNo site. Also, I just really want to share my favorite line of dialogue so far, spoken by Benny, the human love interest to my vampire protagonist: "It's like I'm living the gay version of Twilight...which, ironically, still isn't as gay as Twilight..." 

Oh, and my tickets came yesterday! I was going to take a picture of them for you but then I was afraid that would be too silly. Plus, see above for the part about obsessions. Now I just have to plan the whole rest of the trip! No pressure, right? I’ll get around to it...

What things are you afraid of? Heights? Clowns? Or ten thousand rejection letters?