Insecure About Not Being Insecure

It's that time again! The first Wednesday of every month is the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Click the link to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog and learn more!

I was struggling to come up with a topic for today's post, mostly because I haven't been feeling very insecure lately. I got through the A to Z challenge, I'm almost done with the second draft of my book, and I'm nervous about leaving my job, but not really insecure. I know in my gut I'm making the right decision. It's still almost a month away so I'm trying not to think about it too much yet. 

I've been thinking about how close I am to trying to get my book published. Once the second draft is done, I'll go through another round of edits, but not a rewrite this time, so it probably won't take very long. There's just a few things to iron out, I think (of course, when I hear back from my readers I may find out how wrong I am...). And then I'll start querying. It's exciting and scary but I'm actually not feeling very insecure about it. 

Here's the thing--I'm not scared of rejection. Not at all. I've already been told by someone that my story is horrible, and I really don't think any agent would respond that way (as long as I do my research and submit to the right agents, of course). I've already been hit with the worst, so even rejection would be better than that. I also accept that fact that I'm going to be rejected. Lots of times. I see it as part of the process. It's going to happen and it's just something to get through. 

My lack of insecurity is actually what worries me. What if I'm wrong about how I feel? What if that first rejection comes and I just break down? What if I can't handle it? Is my lack of fear a good thing or is it setting me up to fall even harder? I guess I won't know until it actually happens. 

A to Z Challenge Reflections

This April was my first try at doing the A to Z Challenge. While I wish I had done a bit more planning ahead of time, I did end up having a lot of fun. I've always been a procrastinator, so I don't really know what I expected. But anyway, reflections!

I somehow managed to get through the entire challenge, posting every day except Sundays, despite the usual hectic work schedule, a case of strep throat, and also working on the second draft of my novel. I'd like to think that blogging every day helped create some inspiration, and was at least part of the reason why I got so much writing done. I managed to get six chapter rewrites done over the course of the month, creating a momentum that I haven't had in a long time. I'm hoping to completely finish the second draft within a week or two. 

I certainly got a lot more traffic during the month of April. I started the challenge with 79 followers, and now I have 110. Yikes! I met a lot of new blogger buddies and am looking forward to keeping up with their blogs in the future. 

I didn't have a theme this year, but I've already got some ideas for next year! Hopefully by then I'll be writing full time and be able to get the posts done in advance, instead of writing them the day they needed to be posted. Some days I had good ideas, other days the posts were a bit forced. Some days I was too busy writing, working, or suffering horrible throat pain to write more than a couple paragraphs. But I am glad I managed to post every day. 

OH! And if by any chance you remember my second post (feels like forever ago) and my quest for a blue binder, well...I went back to Staples for something else and I GUESS they restocked!

(Surprisingly I don't hate this picture of myself...I know, a first! It's also the first time I've used my webcam. I'm thinking a Blogger/Twitter profile pic redo is in order!)

So, to recap! 

26 posts

6 chapter rewrites

31 new followers

152 work hours to work around

72 cups of coffee

AND 1 blue binder later...

The challenge is complete! 

Z is for Zoning Out

Woo, we made it! It's the last post of the A to Z Challenge! I'll admit that coming up with an idea for Z wasn't easy. I didn't have some grand finale planned for my last A to Z post. But then I realized there is something I do that is a central part of my writing process. And that is zoning out.

I'm sure when most people zone out, their minds go completely blank. I guess if that's true, then I've never really zoned out at all. Really, it's impossible to turn my brain off completely, even when I'm trying to fall asleep. There are always thoughts running through my mind. Most of the time, those thoughts are about the fictional characters I've created and their lives.

Since I was eight years old, I've always pictured stories in my head. I make up other people and the things they go through, then eventually write those stories down. I really have never been able to understand how everyone doesn't do this. So when I zone out, I'm not thinking of nothing. I'm thinking of people, places, situations, even worlds--all things that I've created.

I love to picture scenes from my stories in my head before I write them down. It's a bit of a rush to mold every aspect, every character and what they're doing, figuring everything out so that it's perfect before I actually put it into words. I picture these scenes over and over again until they drive me absolutely nuts and I just have to write them down. Once they're written, though, I have a hard time picturing them with the same clarity and passion that I did before. But that's what rereading is for, I guess--making sure the words match the scene I saw in my head, and then getting to read that scene over and over again.

So I guess I could say that zoning out is a part of my writing process. It's basically how I brainstorm. Plus, it's a great way to kill some time. :)

Y is for Yikes!

I honestly had no idea what to blog about today. I did not get enough sleep but I just had to get up to watch the Tony nominations. And I really want to get back to writing. It was really frustrating to have to stop myself and go to bed last night. But, you know, you can't write if you can't keep your eyes open!

Since I'm nearing the end of my second draft, I gave the last few chapters of the first draft a reread yesterday morning to see what was left, and it was kind of scary. I think there's still a lot of work to do. The end is way too rushed. The second to last chapter was just a bunch of short scenes trying to wrap up all the loose ends before the last chapter. I was cringing while I read it. It's frustrating because every moment is necessary, but I don't see how I can stretch out each part to make it more meaningful.

And do not even get me started on the sex scene. Ok, maybe it's too late. I knew this would be a hard scene to write and I knew it still needed a lot of work. It's not really the physical aspects that bother me so much. It's more about the mood, the emotions in the narrative. It's all off. I feel like I need to either rip the whole scene apart or just start over completely. Which is also scary.

So yes, there aren't a lot of chapters left to rewrite. But there is still a LOT of work to do.

X is for X Marks the Spot

I honestly couldn't come up with a good post for the letter X. I mean, come on, X? There aren't a lot of words that start with X. But as I was brainstorming, this phrase stuck in my mind, mostly because I've reached another point in my WIP where something BIG happens (and not something upsetting like in the infamous Chapter 17). Due to a rather impulsive (and sexy) moment, the whole dynamic of my characters' relationship is forced to change. This change moves the story forward, because such a dramatic moment can't go unnoticed. Things have to change, and eventually this leads to a breaking point.

So my X isn't just about my sexy scene (Aw, really? Darn.). It's about reaching the ending. I think it's going to happen a lot sooner than I initially thought, especially if I keep up the momentum I've had for the past few days. It's kind of bittersweet, because I really really want to finish, but that also means that I'm done writing. I love my book, so I'm not sure how I feel about this. Of course, I'll never really be done. Once the second draft is complete, there will be more edits (although I'm hoping not a complete rewrite again), agent research, queries, waiting, rejections, and hopefully at the end of that agonizing journey, I'll be published. Then that starts a whole different sort of journey.

But I'm getting way ahead of myself. Right now, I just have to go write this sexy scene. Yay!

W is for Writing (Duh)

W is for writing, because that's what I'm doing. Right now. I've got such a good momentum going lately that I don't even really want to interrupt it with this blog post. But it had to be done. I know it's late, but I worked all day and the coffee is just starting to kick in. I'll be spending the rest of the night writing, hopefully finishing Chapter 18 and then some. It's very exciting.

Oh, by the way, one of my coworkers/readers came up to me at work last night and screamed, "WHAT DID YOU DO?!"  I guess Chapter 17 was a bit upsetting. Mission accomplished. ;)

V is for Victory

I did it. I made it through Chapter 17, aka Brian's birthday party. This is my twist chapter. This is when shit. goes. down. I feel I came up with an accurate description of how a reader would react while reading this chapter:

Hmm, boring party.

Wait, what?

No. He can’t. Seriously? No no no. HE CAN’T.

YAY! He didn’t!

WAIT. REALLY? Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod! I don’t know how I feel about this! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

*gasp* WHAT?! NO. THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE. AGH. BUT HE…WHAT???????!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

*throws computer against wall…except probably not, because it’s a computer…*

Or at least I hope that's how they react. Really, I was just having fun. But if they don't react this way, then I haven't done my job. Only time will tell. Having this sort of reaction would be another victory. It would mean that the readers are invested in the story, that they care what happens to the characters. Isn't that the whole point of having someone read your story? You don't want them to feel nothing. 

The fact that I got through Chapter 17 means that I actually rewrote two chapters yesterday. It was a big accomplishment. I noticed something interesting, as well while I was writing. Even though it's my book, and I knew exactly what was going to happen, my heart was pounding the whole time while I was writing, like the suspense was too much. I hope this means I did a good job. 

I seriously want someone to come up to me and say, "I hate you," after reading this chapter. I can't wait. Yesterday turned out to be a great day. Writing gives me that feeling that nothing else can. I'm happiest when I'm writing. I can't wait for the day when it's all I do. 

On a not so victorious note, I did not get around to 30 blogs yesterday. I ended up leaving 6 comments, but followed a bunch of new blogs to check out later. It seemed that no amount of coffee could wake me up yesterday and I only got my writing momentum much later in the day. See, this is why I don't make specific goals for myself, because I never reach them! Oh well, it's another day!