The Final Push

Well, it's almost the end of November, and I find myself realistically thinking about whether or not I'm going to finish my book for NaNoWriMo. And it's not looking good.

I've only written about 23,000 words. Even at my creative best, I can really only write about 1,000 words an hour. I'll admit it's hard for me to write anything when it's not the perfect word in my mind. I do a lot of blank page staring.

But honestly, it's a bigger problem than that. I just have no motivation for this book anymore. And yes, it's partially because I wrote the most intense scenes already and now it's more about filling in the gaps. I really have no desire to write the flashback scenes. The narrator's voice has been shaping itself a bit more, but really only during the most interesting moments. When he starts thinking, when he's worrying about what to do in a situation, it gets boring. I do love the first kiss scene--good lord, was that intense. See, it's better when there's action.

Sometimes when I think about trying to work on this book, I sort of cringe and try to avoid it. I do the dishes or watch TV. At best, I'll write about 300 words in a day. I just have no desire to work on it anymore.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I just want to get back to editing my other book. I really miss working on it. And I've wasted enough time NOT working on it, since, you know, it took me over two years to write the first draft. Plus I really, really miss writing in Jordan's voice. It's more fun. And I've worked on it for so long that I don't even have to think about it when I write as him. It just comes naturally. And it's not boring, unlike this stupid vampire narrator who doesn't know what the hell he wants. It's kind of like temporarily breaking up with your boyfriend for a month to go out with some other guy who turns out to be really boring.

So chances are, I'm not going to make it to 50,000. But tonight is WriteClub and I have to try! I don't have to necessarily finish the book, I just have to make the word count. But honestly, if I don't make it to 40,000 by tonight, I don't see it happening. So we'll see. I'm still going to try to get it done, or it least keep working on it until the end of November. Then I'll set it aside and get back to editing. And it'll always be there if I need a break.

Also, I was planning on running errands today but since it's raining and yucky out, that's really not gonna happen. So, more time for writing!

Things I'm Doing Today

It's time for another list! Because I don't have time for a real post! Kinda sorta like my fun facts. But instead, here's a list of the various writing and non-writing things I am doing today. Hope it's worth a chuckle.

Today I am:

• Working a double. Yay. 
• Looking forward to the next four days off! 
• Accepting the impending doom that is my NaNo defeat. I've barely gotten past 20,000 words. It's not looking good. But hey, four days off, you never know. 
• Procrastinating. On several things. Activating my new phone. Finding a hotel room for my trip. Grocery shopping. Not a lot of fruits, veggies, or pretty much anything to make dinner with, but there's lots of yogurt and waffles! 
• Totally cheating on my diet. I've lost about 8 pounds so far, but I also have absolutely no will power. Plus, you know, no food. Which results in either take out or bringing food home from work. So even the salads will make you fat. 
• Making a motivational playlist. It seemed like a good idea. I may or may not share it once it's done. Because, you know, spaz. 
• Geeking out that Catching Fire, the Doctor Who 50th anniversary special, and Frozen all premiere within a week of each other. And that week is almost here. So much geekery, so little time. 
• Feeling a serious need to go shoe shopping. I mean, it's getting cold. I need boots! Nice boots. With heels. In several colors. 
• Anticipating the end of NaNo and the return to editing. Really, really want to get my book query ready. Don't get me wrong, I like my NaNo book, but focusing completely on that is giving me withdrawals. 
• Still having absolutely no idea what to do for my 100th post. 

What is everyone else up to today? 

Title Troubles

I'm amazed that I've actually kept up with the blogging to stay on schedule. November might be my first perfect month ever (posting every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday). If I finish NaNo, this month will have been very productive. I still have no idea what to do for my 100th post. There's still time to figure it out, though.

I know I've talked about it before, and certainly other bloggers have as well, but I've been thinking about how hard it is to come up with a title. I tried some brainstorming this weekend, but it didn't go well. Every so often I'll think I'm on to something, but it never pans out. I'll usually have some smidgen of an idea, then go through the thesaurus (and the geometry textbook I got for $12 on Amazon) trying to find the words that fit that idea. And nothing ever seems right.

Titles are hard. You have to find some way to both summarize what your novel is about and draw in the reader so that they want to pick up your book in the first place. Sometimes it seems impossible. How could I possibly summarize my entire novel in just a few words, maybe even one?

When I first started my book as a short story, it had a title. That title worked. But as I developed the story into a novel, things changed. I pretty much eliminated any reference to that title, as well as any symbolic meaning that it held. It just wouldn't make sense anymore with how the novel stands now. Then there was the fiasco of the forced title, The Formula, which I feel is heading in the right direction but isn't there yet. I honestly think it needs to be more complex, because the novel itself, or the relationship that I'm writing about, is a complex one.

Maybe it's too complex. I try thinking about how I would describe my novel to other people (forgetting the fact that I usually just avoid the question), and it's always a long, drawn out explanation. I can't seem to simplify it. I could make a list of words that fit for it, but none of them stand out or fit together to make something that feels right.

Usually when I brainstorm, I just drive myself crazy and then give up on it entirely for months. Why is coming up with one phrase so much harder than writing an entire novel of complex words, characters, and situations? Will I just go insane trying to come up with one before I even get close?

It does kind of drive me nuts sometimes, which is why I avoid it. Maybe if I actually get that synopsis I've been talking so much about done, someone else will be able to look at it and come up with some ideas.

How do you guys come up with titles? Does it drive you insane? Is there such a thing as a perfect title?

Dealing with Fear

Oh, you thought I was going to tell you how to handle your fear? No, no, I have no idea how to do that. It’s too scary. This is more of an outpouring of my fears. 

Everyone’s afraid of stuff. Like spiders (what the hell do they need all those legs for?). But as a writer and blogger, I’m afraid of lots of things. It’s not the obvious things, either. Like rejection. No, I expect that. I’m not afraid of it. I think I’m afraid of actually succeeding. I’m afraid of things changing. I let my anxiety get the better of me.

I’m afraid of my own drive. That it’s too much for me to handle. That I couldn’t possibly have all my ridiculous dreams and fantasies come true without curling up into a ball and hiding from them. I’m way too much of an introvert, and yet I fantasize about book signings and writing plays and movies and winning awards and giving speeches. How is that ever going to work?

I’m afraid that even I don’t understand this pull I have to write gay fiction. I’m afraid that I’m encroaching on a culture that I have no right to be a part of. That people are going to hate me for this story. That I have absolutely no idea how to make a difference, to show that this is something I really care about besides making up stories. How is that enough?

I’m afraid to share my obsessions. My quirks. My favorite music, books, TV shows. The random celebrities I love. What turns me on. All the little things that make me who I am. I don’t know why. I guess the obvious answer is the fear of being judged. Like I’m afraid about you getting to know me because you won’t understand the way I am.

And yes, I’m afraid of people reading my book. I’m afraid to even tell people what it’s about (I’m working on that synopsis, I swear). That doesn’t mean that I still don’t want them to read it. God, do I want them to. I’ve never had such passion for a story in my life. I just don’t understand that passion.

I'm also afraid I'll never finish this NaNo book. But if you're interested, I put up a quick little excerpt on my page on the NaNo site. Also, I just really want to share my favorite line of dialogue so far, spoken by Benny, the human love interest to my vampire protagonist: "It's like I'm living the gay version of Twilight...which, ironically, still isn't as gay as Twilight..." 

Oh, and my tickets came yesterday! I was going to take a picture of them for you but then I was afraid that would be too silly. Plus, see above for the part about obsessions. Now I just have to plan the whole rest of the trip! No pressure, right? I’ll get around to it...

What things are you afraid of? Heights? Clowns? Or ten thousand rejection letters? 

The Sparkling Comment

Today I'm gonna talk about the influence of other people's comments on blog posts. And pimp some people out. 

But first! In case you were just dying to know, I did get my concert tickets. So Phase One of the Muse-iversary New York Adventure is complete! Phase Two was asking my boss if I could have President's Day off, so I could make it a two night trip and not be rushing around to only do one thing. He just sort of chuckled evilly and said, "As long as you work Valentine's Day..." Yeah, like I really thought I was getting out of that one, anyway. So Phase Two is complete. I'm not sure what Phase Three is at this point (Profit!), probably finding a hotel and getting bus tickets and blah blah blah. The more fun part is finding book-related things to do. Like, maybe a trip to the Met (do you think my boyfriend would mind? We've already been twice...). And a picnic in February is totally plausible, right? 

Geez I really have the tendency to ramble, don't I? 

So! Comments! If you're like me, you put a blog post out there and you spend the rest of the day stalking Blogger or your email for comments. I absolutely love getting comments. I crave them. It's fun to interact with other bloggers, and when someone leaves a comment it shows that they really took the time to read your post and put some thought into how they would respond. Plus, it gives me the chance to check out their blogs and learn something new, since I always like to return the favor. 

It's exciting to get a new person commenting. You've probably never seen their blog before so you have something new to check out. It's a good way to meet other bloggers. It's also just as great to have some bloggers who always check out your posts and leave a comment. You'll usually get some attention for your more insightful posts, but it's also nice to have people respond no matter what you're writing about. Quick shout out to two of my favorite blogging buddies, Aaron Browder and Casey Lynn Clark, who almost always leave a comment on my blog, even when I'm rambling about absolutely nothing. You guys are awesome!

I have an interesting story. Last Wednesday for my Insecure Writer's Support Group post (which you should also check out, by the way, it's the most awesome of all the blog hops), I talked about my insecurities over whether or not to let people read the first draft of my book. A lot of people have asked me, "When can I read it?" and I'm not sure if I'm ready. Since it was IWSG day, I got more comments than usual. And almost every single one said that I should get a second draft ready before giving it to anyone. I did want advice, because I was so uncertain, but I'll admit I was a little disappointed. I've been working on this story for a long time and I'd really like for people to read it. But after reading the advice of other writers, I thought, ok, they're right, it's not ready and I shouldn't give it out. 

But then I got one last comment. I was actually checking my email on my phone leaving work after a double. I had to stop and stare at it for a while. It was the sort of comment you don't get every day. It sparkled, it outshone all of the other comments that came before it. This comment was from David P. King, and I feel I have to share it to do it justice: 

This may sound awful and I don’t mean it to, but I’ve come to learn that there are many types of readers – some casual, some critical. And I tend to let my casual readers be my alphas and those who will dissect every last sentence my betas. This helps spot the obvious problems first and the tiny ones become more noticeable while editing the next draft. Do share your story with others, especially those who are willing to help…

Whoa. I was completely thrown back by this comment. David was saying what no one else was, and it made perfect sense to me. Why not let some people read? Most of the people who have asked to read are coworkers, who are just interested in the fact that I wrote a book at all, especially after my years of working on it. These are not people who are desperate to critique, who will be able to rip it apart. That's not even what I need right now. I'm perfectly capable of ripping it apart all on my own. Once I've fixed everything that I feel is wrong with it, that's when I'll need people to point out what I missed. 

Maybe what I need right now is just that sort of confidence boost of someone reading it at all. Even if it's complete garbage, if they find just one moment that they love, then it'll be worth it. If they find things wrong that I haven't noticed yet, that will be worth it, too. 

So I've made the decision to share, probably with the people who keep bugging me at work about it. I do need to do a tiny bit of editing, basically fix all the parts that I'd be embarrassed to have someone read. But nothing too extreme. I kinda just want to put it out there. I'm not sure who my beta readers will be yet, maybe I'll seek out some former coworkers from the bookstore who are avid writers and readers. Who knows? But at least right now I have a starting point. 

Monday Morning Ramblings

I don't have any set topic for today and I've got a lot of things on my mind so I think a rambling post is in order.

I'm up way too early and having an anxiety attack. But the good kind. I'm waiting for tickets for the American Songbook series to go on sale. Technically, they go on sale tomorrow, but not if you like their Facebook page! So I'm just sitting here waiting. I have a hunch they'll go on sale at 10, but since they haven't actually said so, I must stalk the page all morning. I know, I'm a complete spaz. But if I get tickets to this particular show, I get to plan a really awesome trip to New York for my three year muse-iversary! (Since, you know, last year's was so successful and everything). Hey, when the universe tells you to do something, you don't question it.

The great thing about being up early, though, is that I get to watch Buffy.

Speaking of vampires, I guess I'll talk about my NaNo progress. As you can probably tell from my abundant enthusiasm, it's not going very well. I've had trouble focusing lately. Between that and work, I'm about 5,000 words behind of where I should be. If I can get back the same momentum I had on the first day, I should be able to get back on track. Right now it's kind of discouraging, though.

I realized something last night that could potentially be pretty awesome. I'm getting close to my 100th post here (this one is the 85th). And if (and this is a pretty big if) I post on every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday until I get there, my 100th post would be on Monday, December 16. And well, because I'm a spaz, remember? Why don't I just reschedule that for the day before, December 15, because guess what day that is! Yup, it's Jordan's birthday. If I could have my 100th post on my muse's birthday, well, that would be pretty damn awesome. The only problem is that I actually have to stick to my blogging schedule. I can't miss a single post. It's going to be tricky. It's going to take a lot of ideas and a lot more motivation. Because, that's right, the universe has spoken!

Do you think I can stick to my blogging schedule? Anyone else being a spaz about anything? Falling behind on NaNo? Or just watching Buffy? Crickets?

Having Some NaNo Issues

I almost forgot to blog today! Work was blah, and I have to be back tomorrow morning at 7 for some lame meeting. Also, I sliced my thumb open last night on a can lid (not stitches worthy, but still pretty bad). So I'm only functioning with one good hand. Hey, I really don't mind reenacting scenes from my book, but the part where Jordan cuts his finger while chopping vegetables and blood gets everywhere--not my first choice! I do love that scene, though...

Anyhoo, I thought I'd check in with my NaNoWriMo progress. It WAS going really great, but I've fallen behind in the past few days. Not ridiculously behind, but I'm not exactly happy about it. Maybe the fact that my narrator has a weak voice is bothering me. I'm not exactly going for a masterpiece here, but I do want to get it done and I still want it to be a good story.

I pretty much know exactly what my problem is. I wrote the first two chapters in order, then started jumping around writing random scenes. Mostly the ones that I've been playing over in my mind since I came up with this story. Which is ok, I guess, in that I'm getting out the ideas I already have, and it's ok if I fill in the gaps later.

Well, it would be ok, if I wasn't already writing all the good parts. Seriously, all the violence, suspense, kidnappings, bad guy staking, and man on man snuggling (hey, I'm leaning more YA here, nothing too sexy). All of it! All the good parts! Guess what happens when I write all of the good parts? They're done! And I know what you're going to say, everything should at least be interesting, if not intense. I'm just worried about getting bored. I'm avoiding the flashbacks altogether. I know it's because I don't want to write them. But they're part of the characters' background stories that need to be told. If I don't add the flashbacks, you'd wonder why these characters are in the situation they're in, and how they became vampires in the first place.

I just don't want to write all the parts that I find interesting and then get bored and give up entirely. I guess that's why falling behind on the word count is discouraging. As long as I stay ahead, I'll have more motivation to finish. But why am I wasting my time writing this blog? I could be writing my NaNo book! See ya!

How is everyone else doing on their NaNo books? Having issues, too?