Let the Dream Die

It's once again the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click the link to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog and learn more! This month we've been asked to include a short intro about ourselves, so here goes:

I’ve been writing since I was 8, but am as of yet unpublished. I’ve been working on my novel, Uneven Lines, for nearly four years (yikes!), and hopefully someday you’ll get to read it. Sometimes I write poetry. I’m 27 and live in a studio apartment with my stand-up comedian fiancé and my cat Gizmo. I have no idea when I’m getting married, but I’m totally fine with that. If you browse through my blog, you’ll definitely come across Jordan—he’s the 15-year-old narrator of my novel and my muse/the annoying voice in my head/the third love of my life. 

Boom! 100 words exactly. By the way, Jordan's monthly post was this Monday, and he still wants your questions!

So what am I insecure about this month? Oh, the usual. I still haven't even looked at my novel since September. I know exactly what my issues are but I just can't seem to work past them and get back to editing. I want to actually find an excerpt to use for a blog post on Friday, so maybe just reading it will get me back into the swing of things. 

One of the big problems I have is that I dream big. Everybody dreams about getting a publishing deal and all of the things that will happen afterwards, right? Well, I think I overdo it. I won't get into the crazy details, but it is something I think about on a daily basis. It would be great if it was motivating me to work, but it's not. 

It sort of reminds me of when I drink alcohol--I'm always very aware of how intoxicated I get. With the whole dreaming big scenario, I'm extremely delusional, but I'm also aware of how delusional I am. I tell myself things could not possibly happen in the exact way I imagine them, but I keep imagining. 

Here's the thing--I fully believe that everything happens for a reason and that the universe will on occasion send signs. I also believe that I actually got a sign that these dreams will on some level come true. It freaked me out when it happened, but now I'm wondering if it was a sign--or was it just a bunch of coincidences at once? I can't really know until it actually comes true, but that could take a long time. So I worry that I'm putting too much faith in it and not enough in myself. 

I worry that dreaming too big is holding me back. That I'm too afraid of it not coming true, or even of it actually happening, because that would be scary. Great, but scary. I don't want to give up on the book, of course, because I've put way too much work into it, but I'm wondering if I should give up on the dream. Maybe it would be better to just let it die and not think about it, and put all of my focus on the book itself without even thinking about getting it published until it's done.

What I'd like to do is to not let the dream die, exactly, but set it aside. Stop worrying about the future and focus on the present. I'm not going to get anywhere if I don't finish the book first. The universe can't help me with that. It's all up to me. 

Starting from Scratch (Somewhat)

It's that time again! The first Wednesday of every month is the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Click the link to sign up! And be sure to check out the IWSG Guide to Publishing Beyond, which is available now. It has a lot of great advice on writing, publishing, and marketing, and it's FREE! I contributed a piece on choosing between first and third person. Thanks to Alex J. Cavanaugh and everyone else who helped to put the anthology together.

I've got plenty to be insecure about this month. I'm not looking forward to Christmas at all. I need to really start figuring out what my next step is going to be in life because I've been slacking off way too much. And I'm still trying to figure out how to throw my muse a birthday party.

But I don't want to overwhelm you guys so I guess I'll talk about the book. Sounds ominous, right? I'm still avoiding it. I think about it all the time, but I can't bring myself to work on it or even read it. I know I have to do a massive overhaul of the last third of the book, but it's hard to figure out how to change things.

I'm trying to take on a different mindset. I basically want to start with a blank slate, at least from a certain point. I want to pretend I've never written that last third so that I can come up with some ideas that are new, and not just keep rewriting the same moments that didn't work in the first place. 

It's scary, but also kind of fun, because coming up with new ideas is always more interesting than editing to me. I still have a few scenes I plan on reusing, and ultimately the book will still end the same way, but I'm hoping for a lot of things to change along the way. When I finally adopted this mindset and started thinking about what would happen next, I immediately came up with a new scene that will help flesh out a subplot. I had this block for so long, where I knew things weren't working but had no idea how to fix them. Wiping the slate clean has helped me get through that.

Do I have everything figured out yet? Definitely not. But it's one step in the right direction. 

Finding the Passion

Hello, everyone! Today is the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! I'm feeling extra insecure so I fit right in. Check out Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog to learn more and join in.

I'll keep this post brief because I'm feeling beyond lousy. I have a cold whose main symptom is a constant headache. And we have to take Gizmo back to the vet later today for the FOURTH time. It's very frustrating when he keeps getting sick. Hopefully they can finally put a stop to it.

So I could talk about how I gave up on my NaNoWriMo book before I even started it, but I'm not really all that upset about it, honestly. I don't think I had planned this particular story well enough to bust it out in a month. Besides life getting in the way of my writing time, I just wasn't feeling it.

I feel like I have such a hard time being passionate about my writing lately. When I first started my novel, it was all I could think about. I couldn't do anything but write. Sometimes I forgot to eat. If I could write like I did back then I would be busting out two novels a month. But I just don't feel that way anymore.

I know everyone has said just to put it aside for a while, but the thing is, I have. I haven't looked at my book in over two months. I really want to work on it, but I also don't want to even look at it. Maybe it's because I know editing it is going to be hard. Maybe it's because I feel like no one is going to like my book, or they're going to take it the wrong way. I'm sick of not working on it, but I don't know how to start.

I guess I'll just take it one step at a time. I've had a couple more people offer to beta read for me, which I think will help. I just have to merge some of the edits I've already made with the last complete draft I have before I send it out. My editing draft is an absolute mess and there are a bunch of holes in it, but I also don't really want people to read the second draft as it is. I've got to tweak a few things first. But I will get it out there!

That wasn't brief at all, was it? Oh well. Time for some tea and aspirin.

Sufferin' Subplot!

I know I have a stuffed Sylvester the cat somewhere, but don't ask me to dig it out...

Anyway, today is the first Wednesday of the month so that means it's the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! It's also the one year anniversary for the IWSG website! If you're looking for my submission for The IWSG Guide to Publishing and Beyond, err, well...I haven't written it yet. I'll go ahead and blame my writing slump, and maybe my tendency to procrastinate. But I can think of several high school and college essays that were done at the last minute and still came out amazing, so this will be my project for the day! I know what I want to write about, at least, so, fingers crossed!

Anyhoo, whenever IWSG day rolls around, I feel like I always waste it. I usually vent about some minuscule problem or dilemma that having just one or two people respond to it makes me feel better or reinforces something that I already knew in the first place. It's great to get feedback, but on a day where I usually get three times the comments, I feel like I should be talking about something more meaningful. So that's what I'm going to try to do from now on.

I've been talking about my editing woes a lot lately. Basically I've been avoiding it like the plague. There are a ton of reasons behind this, but part of it is that I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to fix all of the problems in my novel. I'm starting to think I have to completely scrap the last third of it and figure out how to get to the ending. I've always known how the book needs to end, I'm just not sure I got there in the right way.

A lot of my problems come from the subplot. I think I have two options at this point: either scrap it or find a way to make it reflect the main plot more. There are a lot of parallels in my book--parallel moments, parallel characters, parallel LINES (there's geometry--it makes sense, I swear!). So my subplot should parallel the main plot in some way. I think what I was going for is to show how my main character is constantly manipulating people in some way--so this should go for the minor characters as well as the main ones. But I don't think I got that point across very well.

What worries me is that I can't quite figure it out. Every solution I come up with seems stupid, but I think I'm relying too much on what I've already written. I think up to a certain point it works, but once my MC has made the decision to basically destroy one his friends, it didn't really go where I wanted it to. It ends kind of weakly, and I want my MC to have more control of the situation, and honestly, be a bit more evil.

I'm also worried that having this subplot will weaken the book as a whole. Do I even really need it? I know I need these minor characters to have certain moments happen, but besides that, is it necessary? Do you think subplots just distract from the main plot? Or do they enhance it? I guess that all depends on if they're done right, but I'm still not sure about mine. I think I need to reevaluate why I need it, and try to revamp it so that it makes the story better.

What does everyone think? Are you for or against subplots? And if you'd like to help me brainstorm (and just for fun!)--how would you get revenge on someone who hurt you? 

'Twas the Night Before PitchWars

It's that time again! The first Wednesday of the month is the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Check out Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog to learn more!

Before I get into it, let me spoil it by saying I did not get picked by a mentor for PitchWars. I didn't really expect to, but I'm not necessarily sorry I entered. I always get that feeling that my work isn't good enough, so why the hell did I let four people read it? That could be an entire IWSG post in itself, but I decided to have a little bit more fun with this one.

Knowing the PitchWars picks were being announced at midnight, I of course decided to stay up and find out. But as the night slowly (I mean, very slowly) crept toward that time, it got harder and harder to deal with the wait. So here was how I spent my night, trying to kill time and ignore all the anxiety and insecurity that was waiting to take over. Enjoy!

8:00: Watch the making of Frozen special on ABC. Why? What do you mean WHY? Haven’t you been here before?? Learn a lot of fascinating stuff and laugh hysterically at least once. Killed an entire hour! Only looked at PitchWars Twitter feed during commercial breaks, I swear.

9:00: Do my daily routine of exercises—crunches, lunges, squats, lifting weights, etc.  

Go back on laptop to find 33 new tweets on the PW feed. Eat some watermelon. Stalk the feed relentlessly.

9:30: Wash ALL the dishes! Except one. It needs to soak.

Look at the feed again. One mentor I submitted to is tweeting but I’m already certain she hasn’t picked me because she’s been tweeting hints for the past few days. It’s definitely not me.

Claw my way to the very back of the fridge & find a Yoplait chocolate whips yogurt. EPIC SUCCESS. See that it’s expired. EPIC FAILURE. Google if it’s safe to eat expired yogurt. Upon research and smell/taste test, decide to eat anyway. Still good.

Missed 13 new tweets during yogurt expedition. See fellow potential mentees are tweeting about how their MC met the love interest with #lovestory. Decide not to touch that one with a ten foot pole.

Step over very fat cat sprawled on the floor to use the bathroom. Forget where I left my glasses. Oh they're in front of the TV. Riiiiiiiiight. Cat is now sprawled across my notebook.

Remember I put a Gatorade in the freezer and should probably get it out so I can have a drink and not a popsicle.

10:00: Still two hours to go. Try not to have a panic attack, especially because I KNOW I'm not going to be picked. Still singing “Let it Go” to myself.

Try to ignore extreme thoughts of self-doubt. Well, no one I sent my book to actually read it, so NO ONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD IS GOING TO READ IT. Who the hell is going to buy gay fiction written by a straight girl anyway? What the hell was I thinking?!

Self-doubt: 1. Sarah: 0.

Reread blog post from Monday for a good laugh and because I’m pretty sure Jordan doesn’t even know what anxiety is. No, wait! Yes he does, but he thinks it’s a good thing. He feeds on it—gets a rush from it. Try to channel his attitude—it doesn’t work.

Thinking there’s no way my manuscript is good enough to get picked and what the hell was I thinking by entering in the first place?!

You know, I really should have just started watching Frozen at 9:00. This would have killed so much time.

Open up new flat iron I bought earlier in the day since my old one died a horrible death. Wonder when the hell did flat irons get so skinny? New one is 1 ½ inches wide, the biggest one I could find and about ½ the size of my old one. I have a LOT of hair, people. Aint nobody got time for that. It’s quite spiffy, though. And pink! And comes with a stand!

10:20: Floss and brush teeth. Brush teeth while checking Twitter feed.

This happens: I see fiancé putting on socks. “You’re putting on socks?” “Yup.” “Aren’t you going to bed soon?” “……….Oh yeah.” He takes socks off.

Do ridiculous nighttime face washing routine. Come back. It’s only 10:34. Heavy sigh.

10:48: Fiancé goes to bed. I isolate myself with my laptop on our tiny corner table that is more junk pile than table at this point.

11:00 Tune in to Whiskey, Wine, & Writing, very thankful that they’re doing this show since it will kill a whole hour and be lots of fun.

12:00 Brenda Drake’s website crashes because of all of the views. Is anyone surprised? Blog finally goes up! I go through the list. Did I get picked? Nope. Did my beta reader get picked?? Nope. Ehhhh….oh wait, someone I talk to on Twitter got picked as an alternate! Yay? It’s the only joy I can hold onto, so let me have it, dammit!!!

12:26 Ok, seriously, time for bed. 

How Accurate Do You Need to Be?

Hey, everyone! Guess what day it is! It's the Insecure Writer's Support Group posting day! Ok, I'll stop with the exclamation points. No, wait, one more...today I have the honor of being a co-host!! Oops, that was two. Anyway, as always, the IWSG is hosted by Alex J. Cavanaugh, and my fellow co-hosts this month are Joylene Nowell Butler, Lily Eva, and Rhonda Albom. Don't forget to check out the IWSG website, too!

So what am I insecure about this month? Still working on the third draft of my book and not getting as much done as quickly as I'd like. Despite my efforts, I keep gaining weight every week, but I'm really determined to eat better and exercise more, since my will power usually tends to fizzle out by Wednesday. And (this isn't necessarily an insecurity, but it is driving me nuts...) my birthday is this Saturday and my present from my fiance has been sitting on my dresser since LAST Saturday. *sigh* I really don't like to ruin surprises, but come on, it's not fair! And it's heavy, too, so I know there's more than one thing in there...

Anyway, this is what has really been bugging me lately: SETTING. It's something that continuously perplexes me, to the point where I feel I'll never get it right. Ok, so my novel takes place in New York City, a place I've visited many many times--but I've never lived there. And my MC has always lived there, grew up there, and I worry that this won't be believable because I haven't. For the majority of my novel, there isn't much to worry about. The characters are usually very isolated and the two main settings are their apartments. So within the confines of those scenes, I really don't have to worry about setting. I also like the juxtaposition of them having to be so isolated in such a busy and populated city. But those moments when they do go out into the world--I worry that I haven't gotten it right.

I also did some research that worried me about the accuracy of my book. So when I first started writing it, I knew my MC was a freshman and that he was failing his math class. When I was a freshman, I took Geometry. Back in middle school, some people were able to move on to Pre-algebra in 7th grade, where others took another year of a more basic math class. So while some freshmen took Geometry when they got to 9th grade, others were taking their first year of Algebra. Anyway, since I took Geometry, and I figured my MC is a smart and clever guy, he probably would, too. So that's how I wrote the story.

But the more research I do on the NY school system, the more I feel that this wouldn't be possible. From what I've found, it seems that all students take Algebra in their freshman year, then Geometry as a sophomore (doing internet research is tricky, so if by some miracle someone reading this went to school in NY, I beg you, enlighten me!). If this is true, it throws a giant wrench in my plot. I really can't change his math class to Algebra at this point--Geometry just works better as far as how I've worked in themes and symbolism. There's also a scene where my characters are solving a geometric proof that I seriously CANNOT cut. I can't. It's too good, and too important. I also can't make my MC older, since his age is important to the plot. So what should I do?

I'm wondering if it actually matters. What is more important, being true to the story, or being accurate with the structure of the school system? Is anyone really going to notice if I get it wrong? It's not like it's on every page of the book. Is this a detail that should matter at all? I'm not sure. I may just be over-thinking this. My gut is telling me to leave it be, and if someone calls me out on it, I can explain how I thought being true to the story was more important than getting one tiny detail right.

Phew! Ok, now that I've vented, I've got a lot of blogs to visit. *cracks knuckles* Off I go!

Some Minor Insecurities

It's that time again! The first Wednesday of every month is the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Click the link to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog and learn more!

Well, I can't sleep, so I figured I would get this done now. I'm actually sitting in the empty bathtub with my laptop since my fiance is sleeping and I would wake him up with all of this typing. Oh, how I wish for two rooms.

I think I'm slightly insecure over several things right now. Not majorly insecure, just slightly.

I'm thinking of going to the Cape Cod Writers Conference in August. I don't know. I'm not very good at interacting with people. I can picture myself just going to the workshops and then sitting in my car for the rest of it. It would also cost a lot of money that I probably shouldn't spend, and it falls on my birthday weekend so I would be there the entire day. I was excited about it at first, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like I don't want to go, or that I shouldn't.

I finished my read through/ marking up with a red pen of the second draft a few hours ago, which means I have to start my final (hopefully) rewrite of Uneven Lines. This is kind of scary, for several reasons. First, I have to actually get it done. I have to fix all of the problems. I have to rewrite that damn sex scene (which will NOT be vague, I have decided after an email discussion with my only beta reader. Basically all of my fears about the buildup not being released would definitely be true if I were to make it vague). I should probably get a few more beta readers, you know, real ones, since all of my friend/coworker readers never said anything, not even that they read it at all (there's an insecurity all on its own!). I have to rip apart the subplot and figure out what the hell it's doing there. And I really want to get this done within a month. I want to get queries out (scary!). I want to actually do something with this book because I feel like I've been working on it my entire life (ok, not really).

I have to clean my apartment because I have a friend coming over this weekend. I have to figure out something to cook that I won't ruin! And dessert! Cupcakes? I always make cupcakes...

Anyway, I think I would stay up all night writing if it weren't so damn hot in the bathroom with the door closed. Off to bed.

Stress Postponed

It's that time again! The first Wednesday of every month is the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Click the link to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog and learn more!

I have plenty to be insecure about right now, but I'm not really thinking about it. I'm putting it off until next week because tomorrow I'm getting on a plane to Las Vegas with my fiancé. I'm planning on five days of relaxation and fun, and if I'm lucky, maybe I'll win some money, although I'm certainly not going to try anything but slot machines. Mostly I just want to eat, drink, and lounge by the pool. 

Of course, when we come back next Tuesday, I'm sure reality is going to slap me in the face. Last night was my last shift at my job. It was a weird feeling, because I know I'm going to miss a lot of the people there, but I will not miss actually working there. Not one little bit. I'm sure it's going to be a little bit scary not having a source of income anymore, and to watch my savings go down as I pay my bills. But I'm hoping it will all be worth it in the end. 

I'm also a bit stressed out about my book. Sometimes I'll think, hey I'm almost done! Then I'll think the exact opposite--that there's so much work still to do. Ok, yes, there is a lot of work to do. But I'm not going to do another rewrite, just a lot of editing. I'll also have a lot of time to work on it. I'm thinking I'll work on my book at least three hours every day, as well as looking for freelance work, publishing jobs, and agents to eventually send queries to. My whole focus is going to be on building my writing career. 

So yeah, there's a lot to be stressed about. But I'll worry about that next week. Right now, my bags are packed, my Kindle is charged, all my high heels are shoved into my suitcase. And I've got my second draft and a red pen for the plane ride. :)

Insecure About Not Being Insecure

It's that time again! The first Wednesday of every month is the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Click the link to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog and learn more!

I was struggling to come up with a topic for today's post, mostly because I haven't been feeling very insecure lately. I got through the A to Z challenge, I'm almost done with the second draft of my book, and I'm nervous about leaving my job, but not really insecure. I know in my gut I'm making the right decision. It's still almost a month away so I'm trying not to think about it too much yet. 

I've been thinking about how close I am to trying to get my book published. Once the second draft is done, I'll go through another round of edits, but not a rewrite this time, so it probably won't take very long. There's just a few things to iron out, I think (of course, when I hear back from my readers I may find out how wrong I am...). And then I'll start querying. It's exciting and scary but I'm actually not feeling very insecure about it. 

Here's the thing--I'm not scared of rejection. Not at all. I've already been told by someone that my story is horrible, and I really don't think any agent would respond that way (as long as I do my research and submit to the right agents, of course). I've already been hit with the worst, so even rejection would be better than that. I also accept that fact that I'm going to be rejected. Lots of times. I see it as part of the process. It's going to happen and it's just something to get through. 

My lack of insecurity is actually what worries me. What if I'm wrong about how I feel? What if that first rejection comes and I just break down? What if I can't handle it? Is my lack of fear a good thing or is it setting me up to fall even harder? I guess I won't know until it actually happens. 

B is for a Blue Binder

All right! *cracks knuckles* I'm going to attempt to combine my A to Z Challenge post with my IWSG post. If you haven't heard of the Insecure Writer's Support Group, check out Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog to learn more. Here goes!

                

I went into a Staples recently, spent about five seconds in one aisle, then walked out empty handed. I had one of those paranoid moments when I was afraid the staff would think I stole something. But that's a different kind of insecurity, I suppose. The kind of insecurity I was really feeling at the moment was a sort of desperate need for perfection. Or maybe I was just being really picky.

Ok, ok, I'll explain. I was looking for a binder. But not just any binder. I need a binder in which to put the second draft of my novel. I haven't printed any of my revisions yet, and I like having a hard copy as well as a digital one. But this is my life's work, my masterpiece--it can't just go anywhere!

I've mentioned before that my novel has colors. You know, like a sports team or a school would. My high school's colors were black and teal, college was purple and gold. Well, my book is gray and blue. I don't know when it happened, exactly. I just started associating each color with one of my main characters, and then I started wearing these colors together a lot, and it just kind of stuck. I could go into extensive details about why I chose these particular colors, but that's probably a story for another day.

I have my first draft printed and stored in a gray binder. It took me forever to find the perfect one, and had to buy it online, actually. See, I knew that it just had to be gray, that putting my book in some random colored binder would be a violation to myself, my muse, and the universe. It just wouldn't have felt right. And so for my second draft, of course it has to be blue. But the right kind of blue. One that I haven't been able to find yet.

Ok, this is about more than just a binder, really. It's not even about seeking perfection like you would when you actually write your book. It's more about balance. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that the universe has a plan for everyone. Oddly enough, I'm pretty sure I've figured most of that plan out. I may be right or I may be completely nuts, only time will tell. But in the meantime, I have to do what feels right. If I stuck my second draft in a pink binder, it would make me cringe every time I picked it up. Does that make me insecure? Probably.

Anyone else picky about where you store your hard copies? Figure out the universe's plan for you yet? Or do you think I'm crazy?

Job Insecurity

It's that time again! The first Wednesday of every month is the posting day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Click the link to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog and learn more!

I had an interesting day on Friday. I spent the morning writing a blog post which I was really excited about, then spent the rest of the day visiting other blogs and getting another chapter edited before sending it out to my readers. One reader got through the chapter right away and even quoted it on his Facebook. I had work at 5 and I was in such a good mood that I couldn't stop smiling. But then, of course, I was at work. It didn't take long for the smile to vanish. I realized that this is a pretty accurate representation of my life at this point.

When I first started at my job almost three years ago, I was in a tight spot. The place I had worked at closed the day before my college graduation. I had no job and needed to quickly find a place to live as well. I was desperate. So when I applied and was told to come back for an interview, I was just glad to get anything. Since I hadn't quite figured out what sort of career I wanted, I thought this would be a good job to have while I finished my novel and figured things out.

Well, that was a long time ago. If you've been to this blog often, you know how long it took me to get the first draft of my novel done. And if I really admit it, my job is at least partially to blame for that. I have an erratic schedule that's never the same week to week. When I work days, I'm usually too tired afterwards to get anything done. When I work nights, I spend the whole day dreading going in. Honestly, this job had the opposite results of what I originally thought. It kept me, and still keeps me, from getting what I need to get done.

I've been thinking about it for a while now, and the more I consider it, the more of a good idea it seems. I've considered finding another job, but I don't know what sort of career I want if writing books doesn't work as quickly as I'd like. I don't want a lateral move--a job that has nothing to do with what I care about or went to college for. And after almost three years and several raises, I would probably be forced to take a pay cut if I changed to another random job. That's part of why I've stayed at my job for so long. I've always been a hard worker, as well, and am in a slight position of authority/importance. I know if I left my job I'd be letting a lot of people down.

But there comes a point where I have to think about myself. My job makes me miserable. It's not what I want and honestly, I've put up with it for far too long. But what I'm thinking about doing is not getting a new job. It's having no job at all, at least for a few months. I have enough money saved to cover bills for quite some time, although I am concerned with eating up my savings. It may be necessary for my sanity, though. What I want to do is take a few months to focus completely on writing. Finish my book, get queries out, spend more time blogging and networking. I could also search for freelance jobs or even a full time career that's related to writing or publishing. I mean, I don't even have a resume, because I never have time to sit down and do that sort of thing. If all of my time could be focused on writing, it wouldn't be like it is now, just getting whatever I can done in my little free time. I could make a schedule for myself, work on specific things every day, have goals in mind.

I'm not really sure what exactly I want to do yet. I know I have to give it a lot more thought before I take any action, talk to different people, and have things mapped out. It could take a few months just to get to the point where I can quit my job. I'm definitely open to some advice here. But the thought of it isn't all that scary. It's exciting. Which leads me to believe it's the right thing to do.

Blog Momentum

Ok, since I'm trying to get back into my blogging schedule, of course I have to participate in the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Click the link to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog and learn more! 

Sure, I've got plenty of insecurities about having readers for my second draft (Jordan attempted to address some of them in Monday's post). What if no one likes it (ok, that one was pretty much stamped out right away)--or, what if a few people hate it? What if I can't keep up with the editing and people lose interest? These thoughts pop up from time to time, but I'm not all that worried about it. I think the second draft is going well and I really like hearing people's responses to it. 

So what's really getting to me, and this may sound a bit weird considering where I'm writing this, is the blog. I just really haven't been feeling it lately. Yes, part of it is that I can't come up with ideas. But honestly, most of the time I just don't feel like blogging. I don't feel like going on and on about the same crap over and over again. I don't want to bore you talking about my second draft in every post. I could try to come up with writing advice, but nothing comes to mind. I guess all my creative energy is focused on the second draft. Which certainly isn't a bad thing, but I worry the blog is suffering because of it. 

I don't visit as many other blogs as I usually do, and my post from Monday was the first post in a long time that didn't get any comments. I'll partially blame that on the fact that I wrote it late in the day, but still, I really don't want to lose momentum. 

Blogging used to be exciting. It just doesn't feel that way right now. When I was keeping to my schedule to get up to my 100th post, it was fun. Co-hosting IWSG last month was a blast, too. Without any specific goals in mind, it's a lot easier to say, "maybe I'll post something tomorrow." 

I am looking forward to the A-to-Z Challenge, although I still have no idea what I'm going to write about. I had thought about coming up with a different obsession or something important to me for each letter, but I'm thinking if I do enough planning maybe each post can relate to writing somehow. We'll see. There's still almost two months to plan. 

Well, that's enough insecurity for one day, don't you think??

The Second Chapter Two

It's that time again! The day for The Insecure Writer's Support Group. This month I have the honor of being a co-host. As always, the IWSG is hosted by Alex J. Cavanaugh and my fellow co-hosts this month are Bob Milne, River Fairchild, and Julie Dao. I'm looking forward to checking out a lot of blogs today and meeting some new people.

I should probably admit that I've been avoiding writing the second draft of Uneven Lines (Ooooh. Sorry, actually having a title kind of gives me chills. It's so shiny!). I did already rewrite the first chapter, but that was the easy part. Nothing in the first chapter had to change, structurally speaking. The things that happened in the first draft are the same things that happen in the second, just with a whole lot of new words to tell them. 

Now I'm faced with Chapter Two. And it's not nearly as simple as the first. I knew that in the second draft I was going to have to break the existing chapters down, often having each scene be its own chapter. Most of the chapters in the first draft were too long, so this seemed the most logical way to make them shorter. I also find that having a lot of scene cuts within a chapter can be disjointing for the reader. But it's easier said than done. Chapter Two has three scenes in it, but I really don't feel like any of them can stand on their own. But together, the chapter feels jumpy. The scene cuts bother me. So I'm not sure what I should do.

I've thought about rearranging. I could put the first and third scenes together, but the third scene reveals something that I don't want revealed right away. And the second scene isn't nearly strong enough to be its own chapter. I don't want the reader to be bored so early in the book. Then that makes me wonder if I need the scene at all, but without it the subplot won't get started early enough.

I guess the easiest answer is to rewrite, rewrite, rewrite. This is probably the hardest chapter to figure out. Most of the scenes later on in the book will be able to stand on their own as chapters. I probably need to write some new scenes to help make these early chapters stronger. Which isn't so bad, really. I love writing new scenes. 

So how do you deal with rewriting weak chapters? Do you find you have to rearrange a lot of scenes when you start editing? 

I hope everyone has a good day. I certainly will because I got the day off work to go visit as many blogs as I can!

The Impending 100th Post of Doom...Sort Of...

It's that time again! The first Wednesday of every month is the Insecure Writer's Support Group day. Check out Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog to learn more!

I think I'll start by telling you what I'm NOT insecure about:

I'm not insecure about failing NaNoWriMo miserably. At a certain point, it just didn't feel right to be working on it any more. I'd rushed in, hadn't developed the characters enough. The voice was slowly starting to shape itself but it still wasn't good enough. I felt like I was forcing myself to write it, and the words weren't as good as they could be.

I'm not insecure that November was my very first perfect blogging month. I posted every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, with no exceptions. Sure, some posts weren't as thought out as others, but I still managed to pull it off.

I'm not insecure about diving headfirst into editing and crafting a second draft. Yet.

Ok, what's really weighing down my mind is this 100th post I have coming up on December 15. Yes, I know that's a Sunday. It's also my muse, Jordan's birthday (if you've never been here before and haven't seen me talk about it fifteen billion times). So the timing seemed kind of perfect for me to have my 100th post be on that day rather than on one of my usual blogging days.

What I'm concerned about is making this post live up to its potential. Making it be everything I want it to be and everything I've promised it would be. Getting enough people to see it. Having the people who do see it not think it's stupid. I know it's going to be a long post, so I'm worrying that some people won't get through the whole thing. And then sometimes I just feel like I'm going crazy.

I'm insecure about what to write. I've decided to share 100 fun facts about my book, whether it's about characters, my writing process, or what music I listen to in order to write. Pretty much anything. But where I'm fine telling you my characters names and how many f-bombs are in the first draft (Yes I counted. You'll have to check out the post to see!), I'm really weird about sharing other details.

It's not just because I don't want to completely spoil my book before I even finish writing it. I'm not giving a lot of plot details away. More like things you wouldn't find by reading the book. But there's a lot of things I'm sharing about myself. Finding 100 facts to write is difficult, so after all the obvious things come to mind, I have to dig deeper. And there's some things I'm uncomfortable sharing.

They're not all ridiculously personal things. Some things I'm just really awkward about sharing. Like the original title for the short story, or my dream casting for my characters. I don't know why I'm so weird about these things. And then there's my issues with identifying as a gay fiction writer, which comes up in a few of the facts I've written. It's like part of me wants to share all these things with the world, and part of me just wants to keep it all to myself.

I'm also just afraid that no one's going to care at all.

Ok, really, it's not all doom and gloom. This just seemed like a good day to vent. I really am looking forward to my 100th post, and coming up with these facts is a lot of fun. I'm also finally going to post the synopsis for my book on that day. So if you're interested in all my nonsense, come back on December 15 and check it out!

Second Draft Woes

It's that time again! The first Wednesday of every month is the Insecure Writer's Support Group day. Check out Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog to learn more!

There’s plenty for me to be insecure about lately. I’m insecure about my NaNo book, but I think Jordan pretty much covered that on Monday. So I’m aware of what isn’t working, and I’m just trying to push through with it, hoping that my narrator grows a backbone.

What I’m really insecure about is diving in to the second draft of my newly finished novel. For several reasons. The first of which is that editing is scary! It’s so different from writing a first draft. The first draft is fun; it’s passionate. It’s all about words flying onto the page and not worrying about how perfect they are. Well, editing is more about hard work. It’s about getting those words to be perfect. I don’t even know if that’s possible. In poetry, people say that the work is never really done. A poet can even look at a piece they’ve published and think of ways to make it better. Is the same true for fiction? There’s a lot more to work with, so you’d think that every time you looked at one page you’d find a word or two to change. So when does it end?

I’m also nervous because I really want people to read my story, and I’ve had some people express interest in it, but I’m afraid to give it to them. I don’t know if I should wait until I have a second draft. But then I think, wouldn’t it be easier to combine my own edits with whatever critiques they have, rather than doing two revisions? But there are some portions that I know need to be fixed. There are some parts that embarrass me and I don’t want anyone to read yet. I know Chapter Eight needs a complete overhaul. The setting doesn’t feel developed enough. I’m still uncomfortable with the sex scene. And some of my potential readers are gay men, so I have this fear in the back of my mind that they’re going to tell me how wrong every single aspect is, not just with the sex scene, but with how the characters act and well, everything!

So I’m not sure what to do. Give my first draft out or fix everything that I know is wrong with it first? 

But I’m just dying to get some readers who aren’t my boyfriend who just says everything is wonderful. I’m having these fantasies of going into work and having someone come up to me and say, “I just finished Chapter Twelve and I hate you,” or “Oh my God…that fight scene…I was in tears!” I want it so bad. But what if I don’t get that? What if everyone hates it? Or thinks I’m some kind of weird pervert for coming up with it in the first place? 

I don't know what to do but I guess this is just the sort of thing I'll have to deal with when I actually publish it. Some people are going to love it, some will hate it. Some people will get what I was trying to say, others will think it's sick and wrong. I'm still hesitant to give it out even though I think for the most part it's a good story, just with a few hiccups. But I also feel I should give it out now while people are still interested, before they forget all about it and don't care anymore.

What do you think? Should I give out my first draft or edit first? Anyone else going through the second draft woes? 

The Stupid Sex Scene

Ok, so I've decided it's about damn time to kick my butt back into regular blogging. And what better day to start! It's time for another Insecure Writer's Support Group post. Check out Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog to learn more. 

Lately I’ve been insecure about a lot of things. What I want to do with my life, what sort of career I should be pursuing, how to get back into blogging and trying to do something with the piles and piles of poetry that I’ve written.

But mostly it’s this stupid sex scene.

Ok, really, it’s more about finishing the book in general. It’s about figuring out how the book should end. Because obviously I know what needs to happen (sex scene, duh), but it’s a bit more difficult figuring out why it happens. As I was writing the book, whenever I would think about the ending I would always say to myself that I would know what to do when I got there. That I just couldn’t picture the ending without getting through the rest of the plot first. Well, now I’m here, and I still don’t know.

And yes, there’s also the sort of physical mechanics of the sex scene that are bothering me. I still don’t know how vague or graphic to make it. I feel like going in between will be some sort of cop out. Making it vague might make sense to the plot, but I feel like it would also disappoint my readers if they go through the book waiting for the juiciest part and it just fizzles out. But writing a straightforward, graphic scene doesn’t feel right either. I mean, I haven’t exactly held back in any descriptions before in the book, but none of those were actual sex scenes. There was always a limit.

I try to tell myself constantly, “Ok, just write it one way and see if it works. If it doesn’t, try another.” But every time I even try picturing the end, it’s like my brain shuts off. Like it’s just too difficult to deal with and figure out. And I’d rather just watch TV or something. But I want, no, need to finish this freaking book, like, right now. I just can't figure out how to do it. 

I suppose the best thing to do is just to write and write, and write some more. Even if it's horrible. Because then at least there will be something. Even if I have to rack my brain for twenty minutes just to get one sentence down. It's better than nothing. And if I keep trying, maybe I can figure it out. 

Losing My Motivation

Hey, everyone! First off, I want to thank everyone who left comments on my last post, as well as all of my followers for putting up with my absence. It means a lot to me. I know I said I'd be back right away but that's kind of what today's post is about. Today's the day for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Check out Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog to learn more.

I guess I'm insecure about my motivation. I just don't have any. A little over a month ago I was just one chapter away from finishing my novel and couldn't have been more excited. Now I'm still in the same position, but not excited at all. And certainly not moving forward.

I haven't wanted to write, blog, or even tweet lately. It seems that all I have the motivation to do is go to work and then spend my free time rotting in my apartment watching Netflix with my boyfriend. I don't feel depressed, but I'm sure on some subconscious level I am. I'm not sure if I've fully processed my mom's passing. I feel fine most of the time, then I'll have a moment here and there when I'll feel sad but then I'll move on from it. It still doesn't feel real.

I guess lately I just don't want to do anything. I didn't even want to write this blog. I still think about my book a lot and how I'd like to end it. I think I might also be avoiding it just because finishing it is hard. There's still a lot to figure out. But I really need to finish it.

Maybe I can't just sit around waiting for my motivation to come back. Maybe I just have to push through and get the words out even if I don't want to. Because in the end it will be worth it.

Bitch Stole My Plot!

It's that time again! The first Wednesday of every month is Insecure Writer's Support Group day. Check out Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog if you'd like to join!

I don't know if there's a word for a nightmare daydream, but have you ever had one where you're sitting in a movie theater watching the previews and suddenly you see a trailer for a movie that somehow is exactly like the book you're working on? No? Just me?

I think a lot of writers can be paranoid. It comes with the territory. If you have a great idea in your head, then you would be devastated if someone stole it. Especially for those of us who blog about their writing progress, there's always that little voice in the back of your head worrying about who is going to see your words and what they could do with them.

I was recently browsing books on Amazon and came across a novel that had a few similar elements to my WIP. And I proceeded to freak out. There's that moment where it feels like your whole life is over. You think all of your hard work has been for nothing because somebody has already done it. So what's the point in finishing?

You have to think of it this way: Everything's been done before. And yet, it hasn't. There are so many elements that go into a story that make it unique. Sure, there are only so many basic plot structures, and they've been used countless times. But you've got to factor in all of the details of a story--characters, plot twists, subplot. There's no way that you could accidentally write a story that's 100% been done before. Every element of a story makes it different. Like, if I changed my main character, if I swapped genders, changed to third person, or switched point of view. Each one of those changes would be an entirely different story. If I set it in the rural South instead of New York City. Different story. If my protagonist came from a nuclear family instead of a single parent household. Different story. Do you see how many things impact the story you're writing? And you come up with every single one of them.

As I read more about the book, I realized it really had barely anything in common with my WIP. Every story is unique and exists all on its own. In fact, after finally having some extra money, I bought the book and I'm looking forward to reading it. I love reading books in the genre I'm writing, because it helps inspire me. It's not that I look for ideas in these books, but that I wait for them to trigger ideas of my own.

And I know there's always the paranoia of theft. Sometimes we don't want to display any detail about our stories because we're afraid someone will steal it. But once again, it really comes down to all of those elements. Even if you gave just a basic summary and someone did steal it, what are the odds that they would end up writing the same story as you? They couldn't possibly guess every detail that you have planned. And chances are, if they are stealing, they probably aren't as good a writer as you and they won't be able to pull it off.

So write without fear! Your story is completely yours, and no one could write it quite like you.

The Greatest/Worst Book Ever Written

It's a busy blog hopping week for me! Aside from starting my own, I've joined one as well: the Insecure Writer's Support Group. It seemed like the perfect fit for me, you know, since I'm just chock full of insecurity. Visit Alex J. Cavanaugh's blog if you'd like to join, too! 

So what I'd like to talk about are the ups and downs of writing a novel. The feeling you have one day that this is the best idea anyone's ever come up with in the history of forever, and then the feeling you have the next day that you've written absolute crap that will never amount to anything. Which thought process is right? How do you deal with this roller coaster of insecurity?

I have this problem all of the time. When I first wrote my WIP as a short story, I thought it was the greatest thing I'd ever written. I gave it out to friends, handed it in for a college workshop. I thought I was brilliant. Now I can't even stand to read a sentence of it. The fact that so many other people have read it still bothers me. The novel version has the same characters and same basic plot--but still, it feels light years away from the original. But how can something be perfect one day and then horrible the next?

I think it has a lot to do with creative energy. When you're first getting your ideas down, it's exciting; it's like a purge of all of the ideas in your head. There's nothing quite like it. You'll come up with a sentence in your head and think, "Oh, that's brilliant!" and getting it down onto paper or the computer and actually seeing it before your eyes is thrilling. But once that sentence sits around for a while, you might not find it so brilliant anymore. You might see several ways to rewrite it, or you may want to scrap it altogether.

But when are you right? When you started and thought you were a genius? Or when you look back and see how horrible it is?

If you only listen to your pessimistic side, then you'd probably want to give up every other day and not bother writing at all because you're so horrible at it. If you only listen to the optimistic side, though, once you start trying to get published, you may become overly frustrated because you can't understand how these agents or publishers just aren't getting your genius! See the problem? Neither side is right, but neither is wrong. You need both to balance each other out. You need to have confidence in yourself and your writing. But you also need some self-doubt in there, too. How will you ever be able to edit if you can't see any flaws in your work? You need part of yourself to tell you that something isn't working, but you also need that part to tell you when you get it right.

The way I like to think about it (especially as I'm only writing my first draft), is that I know that something isn't right, but I just don't know how to fix it yet. Make a note of all the things you want to fix, but don't get too frustrated or give up just because it seems like a lot of work. And give yourself some credit. Highlight those sentences that really do work and try to see why they are so perfect. It just might help you figure out the rest.