The Sarcasm, Snark & Sass Blogfest

In honor of L.G. Keltner's third blogging anniversary, today is The Sarcasm, Snark & Sass Blogfest! Three of my favorite things! I don't think I'm always that quick in everyday life, but if I can come up with something sarcastic to say, then I'm definitely going to say it. I do think I've gotten a lot snarkier since a certain someone started living in my head...

So today I thought I'd share a quick excerpt from Uneven Lines, for three reasons. One, I slept in today for no good reason so I'm feeling rather lazy. Two, I figured I could use a pick me up by not only looking at my own writing, but having other people read it, too. And three, out of all of the characters I've created over my life, Jordan is definitely the snarkiest.

I decided with this part because it seemed to have the most snark on one page (several conversations between Jordan and his mom were considered, because they're ridiculous, but I couldn't find a long enough part to share). This is the beginning of Chapter Twelve, right before my characters go on their first real "date". Warning: a few naughty words.

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            When Tom said he’d pick me up early, I didn’t expect nine o’clock. I mean, on a Saturday, that’s just insane. Obviously I wasn’t awake when he started knocking on the front door. Or when he started calling me. It took several minutes before the buzzing of my phone finally broke through to me, then several more for me to stumble to the door.

            “I told you I’d be here early,” he said as he charged past me. He’d probably been a nervous wreck waiting out in the hallway for so long. My God, somebody could have seen him, and then of course, the world would have ended.

            I rubbed my eyes as I closed the door. “I guess you don’t remember being a teenager. Nine A.M. is practically the middle of the night.”

            He turned around to face me and frowned, then his face went blank. “Well, we should, uh, get there early, uh, before it gets too crazy.”

            “Where are we going?”

            “I, uh, can’t tell you. It’s a surprise.”

            I stared at him for a few seconds. He was having trouble keeping eye contact with me, his eyes looking down, then up, then down again. I looked down and caught sight of my bare legs. Oops. Forgot I slept in my boxers. He was getting a free show. “I’ll get dressed before you have a nervous breakdown.” At least I didn’t have a boner. He would have fainted.

            He thrust a white paper bag at my chest. “Here. I got you a bagel.”

            I yawned as I took the bag from him. “Couldn’t spring for a coffee?”

            “Are you allowed to drink coffee?”

            “Am I allowed to make out with a twenty-eight-year-old?”

            He opened his mouth to speak but then closed it and shrugged. He couldn’t exactly argue.  “Mmhmm,” I grunted as I turned away to go change.

            “Wait a second!” he shouted.

 “What?!” I whined as I turned back. He just pointed to his lips. I glanced down at the bag in my hand. “You didn’t even make this, asshole.”

He kept pointing, raising his eyebrows. With a groan, I stepped back to him and quickly pecked him on the lips. He smiled. “Good morning.”

I should have stuck my tongue full of morning breath in his mouth. “This had better be the best fucking bagel I’ve ever had.”

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I hope that actually counts as being snarky! Have a good weekend, everyone! I'll be glued to my TV because two of my favorite favorite favorite shows come back this weekend. If anyone tries to take the remote from me, I'll bite them!